Everyone, please read....
Find a Conversation
| Wed, 05-19-2004 - 9:23am |
"When you see others’ errors and you want to guide them because you think they are wrong and you feel compassion for them, you should employ tact to avoid angering them, and contrive to appear as if you were talking about something else."
-Tact, Dogen
(pulling out my soapbox for a moment....and clearing my throat)
I find, from time to time, that there are posts that come across as very harsh, and sometimes downright mean. I know that I am not a cl leader and really have no say in the postings that occur here, but I feel the need to say something on the matter (and that is my right, too).
There are some posters here who are MUCH farther along in the process then others. There are some posters who I suspect were NEVER in an affair but get their sick little kicks out of posting with the seemingly appearance of "helping"---maybe they're having a bad day or maybe this is self righteousness on their part. Normally when I find a poster to post something that *I* find offensive or particularly harsh, I just ignore it and move on. If I find a post that leaves me shaking my head and thinking "man, this chickie needs to get a grip"....I *try* to find a way to put something tactfully and gently....and I always put in that I'm not trying to be harsh. If I find I can't....I leave the post alone.
WE ALL are experiencing different levels of pain. WE ALL are progressing on this path at different rates---some faster, some slower. WE ALL are exactly where WE SHOULD BE. Just because some of us are not as far along as others, IRREGARDLESS of the TIME, does not make it right or wrong, nor does it make us better or worse then others. This is our path. Posting harsh commentaries, 'tough love', 'reality checks'--DO NOT HELP. In fact, they can send someone into a downward spiral. Its HARD ENOUGH to overcome an affair---there is ALREADY enough guilt and shame and confusion. But when someone posts and chastises you for not being further along---well, it only can make matters worse by infusing some self doubt and LOSS of esteem.
None of us have the right to be judgmental of another actions. For those who ARE further along on this path...then I say to you: Help us. Help those us who are not further along and are struggling along and do not believe we can take another step. Do not throw rocks at us and say "suck it up". Do not throw obstacles in our path.
Keep in mind that those of you further along...are not completely done with this process. IF you were, you would no longer be here posting or reading. Those who are completely over this---leave. For good. Once in a great while, they come back...give us words of encouragement and then go back to real life.
Like grief, there is no right or wrong way to heal from this. There is no timetable nor formula for healing. (If there was, I would patent the sucker and become VERY WEALTHY.....LOL). If you take umbrage at another poster---IGNORE IT. Move on, forget about it, let it go. If you feel compelled to write something to help them along, or to make them see it in a different light....type it and then read it. If you find it harsh, or POTENTIALLY harsh, explain that you are not trying to be harsh but want to help them along.
And if you are trying to be harsh for whatever reason---SHAME ON YOU. There is an old saying that "you catch more flies with honey then you do vinegar". I believe in that. I do not believe there is ever a time when someone is hurting to be harsh. I DO know people who are like this (my sister being one of them) and I have absolutely NO USE for people like that in my life. In fact, negativity breeds negativity. I include only those in my inner circle who are positive. This does not mean that they are NOT honest with me or say things that I sometimes I DON'T want to hear....but they employ tact---which makes all the difference. Yes, sometimes it hurts or pisses me off---but that is MY stuff to deal with and deep down, most of the time they are right and I know they love me.
Please, lets be kind and gentle to each other. We have enough on our plate to deal with.
(stepping off my soapbox...and ducking for cover)
Namaste
dharma

I read the posts here everyday but do not post that often. I have often noticed negativity in some people's replies and have thought that something like a nasty reply that only contributes to more pain. Everyone handles the ending of their A differently. It seems that some people are able to just move on with their lives while others have difficulty. A person who has been involved in an A has lost the one person that they felt they could relate to and needs a tremendous amount of support. Because an A is a type of realtionship you can not really talk about with others a board like this is necessary and a life saver to many because it is here that people understand what you are going through and need to get out of you.
Hi, master
Seriously, chris, I *know* that you and nre are WAY past your affairs---and that's what makes you two EXCELLENT cl's. This board could NOT have leaders that were actively trying to get over an ema, because they would be enmeshed in their own process. YES! You both provide stability, support and a positive and safe place to post. And quite honestly, I'm GLAD to be stuck with you two...you guys are very well grounded and provide much sage advice.
I only meant to point out that when people post, what I consider a nasty post (which is not to really say it "is" but just my interpertation of it), I find that to be wholly UNsupportive. Most of us are going through such a RANGE of emotions, daily/hourly, that even a seemingly helpful post can send someone in a bad place. I was sad to see that shescomeundone was attacked the way she was and left---but I also recognize she is mostly done with this process and can move one. I was concerned that people just starting or in the middle of this process would find some of the commentary too harsh and just leave.
Most of the time, the harsh posts I just ignore...but there seemed to be some unusually harsh ones w/more frequency---but not harsh enough to report, though. I respect that everyone hear has a different way of approaching their healing process and some people chose to employ a more "toughen up" type of stance...but I, for one, find that unnecessary. BUT that's just me.
I have a saying posted on my computer that says:
"If you don't understand the Way as it meets your eyes, how can you know the Path as you walk?"
Harshness does not make a person understand it any better, rather it is a slow gradual process of learning and understanding.
but of course, I will defer to you and will comply with the terms of agreement.
namaste
dharma
Mea culpa, my
I will be happy, when the day does finally come, that i don't feel the need to post here any longer, though. That is when, i will truly be over the love of this man i had.
I so appreciate your post, your soap box, your willingness to put yourself out there.
All my love,
Clarice