Everyone...I need your HONEST opinion!!
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| Tue, 02-03-2004 - 10:36am |
THE BACKGROUND:
In 8/01, I met a man who knocked my socks off! I am married, with 4 daughters in a bad marriage. He's an older man (15 years), married 25 years, 4 dd's (older then mine), and not particulary good looking but very well respected and highly praised by colleagues. We were on a planning team together, and went on a conference for a week to San Francisco together. It was at that time (as we walked across the Golden Gate Bridge) that I "fell in love" with him...one of those instant, spontaneous moments. The project fell apart but I managed to stay in touch with him....figured out a way. It started with me emailing him professionally....then I took into a more personal level. In 10/01, we met outside of the work realm for drinks (we didn't work together). I knew after that night, I was hooked. I wrote him an email telling him so...that I was confused about how I felt, I liked him, etc. He immediately wrote back and said we had to meet.
When we met, he said basically there was NO way he was having an affair, but not to take it personally. He found me attractive, he liked me, but he has seen too many people go down that dark road and was not going to go there...BUT, he would still like to remain friends with me. So I agreed...but my devious mind was thinking otherwise. Part of me, just really liked who he was a person...and I wanted to get to know him better. Another darker side, always wanted more.
We continued with emails, it got deep and heavy and I initiated no contact to get my head together for 3 months. But instead of getting my head together...it just fed into a greater illusion of fantasy about "us". We started emailing a lot again....and he started to get in too deep and asked to meet. We met and again he said that he can't be doing this...its becoming too emotionally involved, he's finding ways to communicate with me, he wants it progress further, he doesn't forsee any good end to this all, and ultimately, we would get caught. He doesn't want to do that his family, I didn't want to do that to mine. We had our first sexual contact that evening too. The next morning I woke up to an email with him saying that he just couldn't continue this, it had to end. Of course, I was devastated....because he had become a very good friend.
For the next 6 months, I emailed him, about monthly. Telling him what was going on with me, how I missed him, trying to get him to email me. About 5 months into, I had decided to move and sent him an email, saying that I was sorry for any harm I caused him, his wife, his family.....and I meant it. In return, he sent me in the mail Khalil Gibran's The Prophet. And I got hooked again.
After some more emails, asking him to help with a particular area, he emailed me with the greatest of hesitation (and told me so). I promised to keep it to the topic of interest only. It started out that way...and then soon I slipped into fantasy mode again....and began to think it was more then what it was. The emails increased, I kept pushing the envelope. We had more sexual contact, 3 occasions between November 2003 and Janauary 2004. Each time...it was filled with angst and confusion. It lead to many heart to heart talks...and finally on 1/3/04 he said, despite enjoying the sexual contact,he just can't do this.
MY DYNAMICS:
I married young due to having a child (I was 20, my h was 27). I've been married for 15 years now. I am also an abused woman. My h's abuse is not physical, it is emotional and psychological. There are times where I wish he would hit me....people see bruises, but they can't see the deep emotional and psychological scars that exist inwardly. For years I tried to figure out what was wrong with me, what was wrong with the marriage. We had done numerous marriage counseling, even Retrovaille, but I couldn't figure out why things always got worse. I'm a fairly smart woman, I'm an educated person, I've WORKED with woman who have been abused, I've had friends TELL ME I was being emotionally abused....but I didn't see it until I started domestic violence counseling in 9/03. Since then, my world is in a total upheavel. As I begin to see what I perceived as "normal" behavior in a marriage...is really abusive is having a tremendous toll on me, emotionally. I won't get into the things that my h says and does, because this is not the board for it...but chances are you would be shocked and dismayed with what I tolerated and accepted (I see this when I tell my sisters or friends). I'm working very hard to extract myself from this situation...but its hard and it takes time.
Since our last meeting, 1/3/04, I have done some deep internal work....getting REALLY honest with myself and the "affair". What I have come to see is that my abusive marriage has really skewed my perspective on things.....that I really wanted to be rescued from my situation....that by emailing exMM, I was "cushioning" the verbal,emotional blows at home, making it less painful (and therefore keeping me stuck longer here then I should have been!)....and the hardest one....
that exMM has mostly functioned in the capacity of being a friend. Please, don't think I hold him in a saintly image and me as a sinner.....he does bear some responsibility, hell, I didn't rape him. But I also set the stage that made it very, very tempting. I manipulated the weaknesses that I saw....his wife cut him off from sex some years ago, and when you have a woman, 15 years younger falling all over herself for you, throw in some alcohol...forget it, even Job would've fallen (LOL!). And I kept pushing the envelope. I dragged him, not really unwillingly, into my dark little world.
To his credit, he NEVER: professed his love to me, NEVER spoke disparagingly of his wife (the worst he ever said was that "she was somewhat limited, emotinally" but then followed that by saying everyone has limitations), never really hid our relationship from his wife (she knew of me), never met me at times that took away from his family or primary relationships, never said he was leaving his wife, or I was a soulmate, etc, etc.
In fact, his friendship with me, was really no different than my friendship with my best female friend (ummm...minus the sex part). But it was my desire to make it more then what it was as a way of coping from years of being torn down.
What I have learned from him, from this faux relationship, are innumerable and incredibly valuable. And life is all about learning lessons, is it not? It doesn't stop once we finish school. He taught me that some men are very caring, gentle, responsive, emotionally and supportive...that they are not all like my h. I need to remember that.
THE QUESTIONS:
When we last met, when he said we could NOT have further sexual contact, and we had to stop putting ourselves in situations that made it easier to go there BUT he still valued our friendship, I told him I would need time and space. His last words to me "Well, then, I'll wait to hear from you". And I haven't contacted him since, nor has he contacted me. And I know he respects me enough to give me enough time and space, however long that is, that he will NOT contact me.
1. Do I contact him? Or do I forever exist in a NC phase, leaving him to wonder? (which I think is cold and not very nice)
2. Should I decide to contact him do I: a) tell him what I've seen about myself, apologize, and say goodbye permanantly b) tell him NONE of it and just say goodbye c) without going into details, just tell him I got a lot of issues, appreciate what he tried to do and say goodbye.
3. Or instead of saying "goodbye" should I say...maybe IF I ever get my s*&t together, maybe we could be friends...but that may take years for me to unravel. IS that keeping the door open (for me)? I honestly do not forsee any future relationship with us anymore, but I think it has been too soon to delude myself into thinking we could be friends right now.
Right now, I'm having to deal honestly with my behavior....and its extremely hard...I'm ashamed and embarrassed. A part of me wants to make amends and close this chapter. Another part of me is having a hard time letting it go. By not contacting him, I feel as if I'm leaving the door open. But by contacting him, I'm afraid it will send me back in to getting hooked. And understand, this has been mostly my struggle not his. While his marriage is FAR from perfect, it is not intolerable, just not satisfying in some ways. But his wife is 50 some years old and primarily a homemaker..and he would never leave her with no career and no way to support herself. He resolved, about 6-7 years ago (before we met), to stick out the marriage despite its flaws and to constantly change and improve it and where it won't improve, he decided to change his attitude, change himself and make himself happy, not depend on anyone else for his happiness. Is that love? or is that pathetic and sad? I don't know anymore. The point is....its not for me to judge or to figure out. Its his life, and I need to respect that.
So, please....if anyone has made it THIS FAR (god bless you!!) any thoughts or opinions on how to wrap this up would be appreciated.
Thank you!
Namaste,
dharma

Dharma, I see your dilemma.
Well, dharma... you got your money's worth on this one! Haha! :o) I read it before lunch, and didn't have time to respond.
In a nutshell, my answer is always "NC".. but you ask so much more than that.
1- Contact him? Yes. (See #2)
2- How? Some combination of the a, b, & c you've put out. If y'all are that close he probably already knows much of what you've posted.
3- Nuthin' wrong w/ how you put #3, here. Take it head on. THAT will help you work through stuff. (FWIW... It is interesting to me that you picked a gentleman, and you picked a gentleman older than you. That doesn't seem so accidental from where I sit. (Calling Dr. Freud...)
After all that is accomplished, you'll have a sense of releif (said the man who emailed xOW today), but in the relief should also come a "moving forward" feeling. You sound frustrated. You sound locked down. This will hopefully help you go forth...
At least, that's my 2cents. Sounds too like you have a lot on your plate. good luck.
NC! NC! NC!