evs
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| Wed, 02-17-2010 - 11:46pm |
man, today sucked.
Maybe it's the pre-menopausal shiz, or maybe I need a higher dose of Paxil, whatever. Today just plain sucked. H is so fn clueless. I really loved him, once. Now, we're roommates. I am at a loss about waiting it out with him or cutting my losses; in any event, we're too dang broke to divorce and I'm not sure I would want that anyway. I'm in _limbo_. for me, that is hell on testosterone.
Work was either boring or negatively dramatic. I need a new job. I feel so frustrated most of the time. Ants in my pants! I realize that, when bored, I'm _dangerous_ - to myself and everyone around me. I have character issues, that is for sure!!
When I'm in this negative space, I remember xAP and and I get all whipped up into either melancholy longing for someone to dump on or being way, way pissed off. I wish like hell that I could engineer my RL to be fulfilling and that I could super-quick fix myself so that I didn't make myself miserable or cause angst. There is no instant cure for anything and that frustrates me to no end.
It's too late now. too late for me and too late for all of us. We have to reap what we sowed and, man, it's a rough row to hoe. Like I've said before, it's like Adam eating from the Tree of Knowledge. Once we allow all that negativity and evil into our lives, we are responsible for the knowledge that flows from it. We can repair the damage we've done to ourselves and others, but there will always be the residual crap deep inside. There is no escaping it; there are only lessons to be learned and wisdom to be gained --- but, f sake, what a high price to pay for our stupidity. Pain _can_ be beautiful, in that from it we grow and change -- thank God for second (and third and fourth) chances, ykwim? I wish I were childlike and innocent again. It's hard being a grown up. It's hard to be soley responsible for oneself; no one else to blame for one's actions. It's hard to look deep inside and see a person who disappoints.
Peace is a choice. Happiness is a choice. A choice that takes work and is not given out like candy at Halloween, just because we demand it. Takes work. A lot of HARD work. All I know is that I am 42 fn years old; I have only another, maybe, 30 or so more years on this planet. and I'll be damned if I'm going to live it in pain. I'll be damned if I'm going to sacrifice myself to my own stupidity. I want to be one of those wise old bitches who rocks, not some sad old sack who is still clueless when the reaper calls.
I will say this to all of you newbies and tweeners because I'm saying it to myself FIRST, "quit your gd whining and get on the stick! you have a life to live and life is f*ucking beautiful... IF you do the right thing and get the right attitude. Now, just DO IT."
Ok, so I've had half a bottle of really good wine on an empty stomach, but that doesn't negate the essence of my post, right?
Ha.
Drunk and in love with you.
Dee

Dee~
I enjoyed reading your post, as always, and was a little sad by the frustration leaking through. I know this isn't an easy time no matter how far along you may think you are. You are still trying to spread those beautiful wings and fly, hopefully in the direction that will bring fulfillment and purpose. With that said,
<>
Of course I don't know what you do now, but have you ever considered freelance writing? You are an incredible writer and certainly have a lot to say at times ;-), but you say it in a way that is unique and gut grabbing.
Just a thought from an admirer, and((Hugs))for a more interesting, but staying out of trouble, day.;-)
~ Iddy~
~Iddy~
From a long time lurker, thank you.
can i have the other half of that bottle? ;)
lillie
Good for you Dee!!!!
"I want to be one of those wise old bitches who rocks, not some sad old sack who is still clueless when the reaper calls. "
For me, that says it all. Thanks Dee, your post is what I needed.
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Dee,
You sure can put it out that like nobody else and we all love you!...You know they say that boredom is the devil's worshop...the busier we are the less likely we will find trouble.
Iddy and everyone,
Wow. Reading your responses this morning really helped. I am flattered by the compliments about my writing, albeit a lil' incredulous. In all honestly, I consider writing more for a living or at least for fun, but I have serious fear of failure/low self confidence issues. Combine that with my laziness and, pht, bad way to kick start a new career!
I am overwhelmed with joy that I was able to uplift anyone with my long, self-indulgent post. It _was_ more like a blog, huh? Like I'm using this board to hear myself talk?! ha. But, hey. ho, at least on here somebody is actually listening! not like RL. ;(
I'm going to really, really work on my frustration and my attitude. Being a pouty baby sucks and is soooo unattractive.
Got to run! I might have something fun to do right now and I don't want to miss it. xoxoxox
Thanks again everyone!!
Love,
Dee