EX-OM called me 2x- Friendship possible?
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EX-OM called me 2x- Friendship possible?
| Wed, 02-16-2005 - 11:32pm |
Sort of strange. He called me twice today. When we ended the A many months ago, I thought we'd be friends. I ended it not because I didn't want to be with him anymore, but because I really DID want to be with him but could see how much pressure he was under, and felt like I was giving him the gift of a release from some of that pressure.
But then he pretty much stopped talking to me altogether. Never called me, began acting like he didn't really know me at work (and we started out as best friends)...perhaps he had heard of the concept of NC. It got to the point that when he would walk into a room where I was I would start ignoring HIM because I didn't want him to be the one doing all the ignoring. And when we had to speak to each other I would get all nervous and everything that came out of my mouth was dumb...and I felt like he had to be saying to himself, "What the heck did I ever see in HER? What an idiot. Glad that's over."
Anyway, he called me twice today. Both times to ask me stupid questions that he could've found out the answers to himself if he had bothered to grab a phone book or ask someone who's actual job it was to know that info. It was really strange. After months of being ignored. The conversation was innocent enough...no hanky panky, he acted like I was just a friend he wanted to get some info from...but it unsettled me because after all these months that I was convinced he had decided to hate me, he calls me. Twice.
And I was so happy to hear him sounding pleasant and normal, instead of stilted and uncomfortable. I sort of ate it up, it kind of perked up my day, but I don't want to get my hopes up that he and I might actually be able to forge some kind of friendship again out of what we had. I gave up a delicious and what had been the most fulfilling love event of my life because our friendship was in jeapardy, and it disappeared anyway. Do you think it's possible to get it back? (Not the sex...the friendship.)
But then he pretty much stopped talking to me altogether. Never called me, began acting like he didn't really know me at work (and we started out as best friends)...perhaps he had heard of the concept of NC. It got to the point that when he would walk into a room where I was I would start ignoring HIM because I didn't want him to be the one doing all the ignoring. And when we had to speak to each other I would get all nervous and everything that came out of my mouth was dumb...and I felt like he had to be saying to himself, "What the heck did I ever see in HER? What an idiot. Glad that's over."
Anyway, he called me twice today. Both times to ask me stupid questions that he could've found out the answers to himself if he had bothered to grab a phone book or ask someone who's actual job it was to know that info. It was really strange. After months of being ignored. The conversation was innocent enough...no hanky panky, he acted like I was just a friend he wanted to get some info from...but it unsettled me because after all these months that I was convinced he had decided to hate me, he calls me. Twice.
And I was so happy to hear him sounding pleasant and normal, instead of stilted and uncomfortable. I sort of ate it up, it kind of perked up my day, but I don't want to get my hopes up that he and I might actually be able to forge some kind of friendship again out of what we had. I gave up a delicious and what had been the most fulfilling love event of my life because our friendship was in jeapardy, and it disappeared anyway. Do you think it's possible to get it back? (Not the sex...the friendship.)

hi dot,
if u become friends again the A will re-start again, just my opinion, just be co-workers, if its meant to be then it will be, i too am working with OW, i know how hard it is
jmho,
max
wish u well
Hi! This is for ALL OF YOU HERE!
I spent a good year plus here and it changed my life.I wouldn't be where I am today without the fine people that have inhabited this board over the years.
I do have different opinions then most here. I truly march to the beat of my own drum.
You can be friends.
The only problem is this: Is that all you want?
When I was in my affair I became almost/probably obsessed. I am friends with the XOM now and doing so answered alot of questins for me that were unanswered when we split. I am such a WHY person!
DO I still love him? Yes. Is he a scoundrel? YES, Do I trust him? NO! Likewise for myself A light went on when things got ugly. That light is still on and burning brightly.
NC is highly touted on this board. It's not always possible. It wasn't for me.
Ask yourself some very important questions.
For example:
Do you really want to be just friends?
Do you obsess about this man?
Is NC possible?
Do you trust him?
PLEASE FILL IN THE BLANKS_______________________________________________________?????
POWER belongs to you. Grab ahold and use it to do what's best for all concerned. Power can be used in bad ways, use it to make your life good and guilt free and you will be the richer for having done so.
I wish you luck and perseverance.
Guess what? This is the first time I've been here in over a year. Be careful baby!
Wishing you the best, stay alert and on your toes!
Sweet
I agree.. i think it depends on your true expectations. I have had limited contact with xMM. For me it has made it easier (i know that goes against what most belive on this board). But for me it is working. I am better than I thought I ever woudl be. But I also do not expect or WANT the A again.
Besyt wishes
I'm glad you wrote.
I too am a WHY person, and for the most part I wasn't getting any answers from XMM, and I felt like I wanted to have some meaningful discussion with him to give me peace of mind, but any time I tried to sit down with him alone to talk it was putting incredible pressure on him. He was so maxxed out at the time that the extra emotional effort was just too much, unless we both happened to be in the same place at the same time and it just magically worked out just right. It happened about 3 times over the course of 6 months when previously we found ways to be together 3 to 4 times a week. Or more. He'd do anything for me. And then things got difficult. She got suspicious, his work got super-demanding, and he probably just wanted to run away from it all. I think he started to dread seeing me because he thought I was going to pressure him to talk to me about things he didn't want to talk about.
Here are the answers to your questions:
DO YOU REALLY WANT TO BE JUST FRIENDS?
No, not really. I'm being really honest here. But I have a good reason, I swear!!!
We started out as friends. Best friends. And I was happier then than I had ever been in my entire life. Honestly, I had a mad crush on him, but never expected the feelings would be returned or that it would turn into sex followed by love. I would be delirously happy if we could be friends again simply because it was a very fulfilling friendship before it turned sexual. The reason I truthfully want more than to be just friends is only because my husband is quite erectilely challenged. I haven't had successful intercourse with my own husband for at least 7 years...and prior to that it happened maybe once or twice a year for the 6 years before that. I love him, but we lived like roommates for a long time. So I want to have sex with SOMEONE....and my secret situation with someone who I knew was safe and would never threaten to tell my husband or anything was perfect. I'm not a loose woman, I don't want to have meaningless sex with people I don't know and will never see again, I just want to get my freak on once in awhile. I am just having a hard time believing that there will ever be another situation like that which could afford me the opportunity to still be sexually active without the danger of ruining my marriage. I'm still in my 30's. I want to have sex, darn it.
DO YOU OBSESS ABOUT THIS MAN?
Yes, I admit I do. Wouldn't you if you someone had nailed shut your windows and drawn the blinds when you were still in your early 20's...and then suddenly someone came along who threw open the window, gave you their hand and asked you to come fly with them? It's hard not to reflect on all the amazing sex we had, and I reflect on it a lot because I miss it.
IS NC POSSIBLE?
No. I wish it was. It'd make life a lot easier. I might have even gotten over him by now if it were. He used to work close enough by that we were in contact all the time, and now he actually works for the same organization. Our kids are friends, and there are a lot of other connections too. Plus, people expect us to be friends. They all knew we were great friends, and still must think that we are. So we get invited to a lot of the same events. What has changed since the end of our private relationship is that he never comes into the branch of offices I work in anymore, we don't get the kids together to play anymore, I try to stay out of his offices, and our circle of friends that used to do a lot of social things together has sort of fallen apart because I don't encourage get-togethers anymore. But he walks by my window every day, parks in front of my office (because he has to), we see each other at staff meetings and occasionally have to work together. He's done a really good job at attempting to have NC, which is why I was so surprised when he called me twice yesterday.
DO YOU TRUST HIM?
Hmmm. In a way I do, and in a way I don't. I really don't have anything to base not trusting him on except that he cheated on his wife! He once told me that if his wife asked him straight out if he was sleeping with me that he wouldn't lie to her...which scared the hell out of me because I knew she was suspicious. My relationship with him was the only thing in my life that I have really ever been deceitful about. I never cheated before and I haven't cheated since. Do I trust him not to try to pressure me into a sexual relationship again? I think so. It's ME I don't trust. At least he can talk his wife into having sex with him every now and then.