exH is in pain---anything I can do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2004
exH is in pain---anything I can do?
4
Tue, 10-26-2004 - 2:15pm
I have been separated from my exH since Oct last year and our divorce was final in July. We were married 22 years. He is still sad and wishes that I would beg to come back to him. I am trying to be a "support" to him but I don't know how. We have four children together and they are doing pretty well because we work everything out about them together still.

Most of you stayed in your marriages--but I didn't. My exH however is still a very important person to me. Who knows if I am right or wrong in not going back to him. He says I'll be sorry someday. Maybe I will. I do know that I never missed him over this whole year and yet I do love him. It is very hard to explain. I love him like my dearest family member who walked through 25 years of life with me, but I don't have an emotional connection or attachment and I think that attachment has been gone for a long, long time.

But--I don't know how to be there for him without being his wife.

Survive

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Tue, 10-26-2004 - 3:47pm

Knowing that he loves you, you would do him a huge disservice if you reach out to him for support.

Love
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2004
Tue, 10-26-2004 - 4:52pm
Dear Fulov:

Thats what I have been doing so far. I have never given him any hope. I hurt him worse than I hurt anyone in my whole life and I was the person he trusted the most. It is hard to live with that and he feels that I don't care about him, only about losing xMM. I just hate feeling like I am so cold to him. I have been cold so as not to give him hope because I thought that was kinder. Is there any other way to be?

Survive

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Wed, 10-27-2004 - 6:40am

"I have been cold so as not to give him hope because I thought that was kinder. Is there any other way to be?"


I'm not sure what you mean.

Love
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2004
Wed, 10-27-2004 - 11:13am
I am not sure how helpful I will be but I am in your xH's shoes (sort of ) My H is still with me but pining for his lost EA (shes not interested in him) and he really has not given her up -in his mind. I think he still loves me but I fear it is as you feel for your ex. just as a friend or family member. not as a lover anymore. I am not sure what happened as we had so much passion when we first started that lasted a pretty long time. We are so connected in so many ways --but since he started this "friendship" with this other woman, he started distancing (subtle but there) until it escalated and he started lying just so he could hang out with her alone. Nothing sexual happened but that emotional connection to her is what has impacted our relationship. I realize you feel you don't miss your ex and perhaps you really don't ever want to go back to him.. He is hurt and there is nothing you can do for him. I was also in your shoes way back when..in my first marriage..I never really had any passion for my ex and so the entire marriage was more like a good friendship. Sex was always difficult. My current H was my affair partner and its something I have carried so much guilt around for years about. I did not have children so there was no reason to continue to contact him once the divorce was final. But we took a long time for the divorce because I was aways wondering if I might still change my mind and realize I had made a grave mistake. Its only now 14yrs later where the shoe is on the other foot and I am faced with my H leaving me and not even for this woman but because he now thinks he does not love me the way he did before. He is reading this book "Whats love got to do with it, and other lies about marriage" and he said it is helping him to understand why marriages go south and how couples have unrealistic ideas of what a marriage should be. Its very down to earth and I think is helping him to look at his expectations. I don't know if you have gone to counseling or what your situation is. I just know that if there is any chance at all with your ex, now is the time to see or else best for him to not give him hope so he can move on. I think that is what I am feeling now. I look for any little sign that my H wants to work on things, his behavior what he says, I analyze read into ect.. Your ex may be doing the same and its torture. I hope you both had a chance to talk about what happened and put closure on things for his sake. You may want to help him to ease your own guilt too (not that you don't care) but keep in mind why you feel you need to do something. You left and if you have decided clearly its over for you then he needs to hear that. And maybe say that to him..Look H I love you but its not like you want me to and you need to move on with your life. I did that with my ex before I left, we had a heart to heart, he knew how I felt and that day I was sure I told him so and we both cried and stayed in touch a bit to wrap up loose ends, but then I did not contact him anymore and I really don't know what happened to him. I know within the past 6 months he moved as he sent me some stuff I still had in the attic and our mutual accountant got my new address to give him. I sent him a letter briefly telling him that I had remarried and moved and hoped the letter found him well and moving on with his life. He just mailed me everything including all my old love letters to him from college without a note or any contact at all. At first I was angry that he sent them. Now I realize how he must have held on to these all these years and must have been so hurt.. I understand now being on the other side how painful all this can be and how as much as you don't want to hurt someone you do. I am not answering your question really because I don't know what my current H could do right now to make me feel better. Its painful when you love someone to be around them and not have them love you back particularly when there was love there before. And although its painful, in some ways no contact is the best because then you are not a constant reminder of the pain. If you have kids that is most difficult. Just limit the contact. You might ask him what would be best for him.. as we are all different. My H went away for 5 days recently and we only spoke once a day but not having him around was in some ways easier because I could then focus on myself. When he came back its been hard again, particularly when he is cold to me. I will try to deal with all of this as you must and your H. There is no answer that will make everyone happy. Thats one of the things that makes this stuff so sad... Best of luck to you and him.