Exhausted, confused and longing
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| Tue, 12-28-2004 - 4:08pm |
xMM left a message for me on my cell phone on Xmas Eve while I was at my Grandmothers house visiting my family for Xmas......I did not hear my phone ring, but when I got on the ferry to come back home, I saw that I had a message. He said that he hoped that I was there to answer the phone later.......that he would try again or on Xmas day.......and that he was thinking of me.
I turned my phone off.
I went home and my H was not there.....this was about 11:00pm. My home phone rang and it was my H......said that he and a bunch of the circle were at one of the parents homes and to come over and have a few cocktails....for the sake of Xmas. So I went.
and xMM and his W were there. I knew that they probably were.
She was so drunk that as soon as she saw me she said to me that she needed help to be sick..........I of course helped her to the bathroom and guarded the door for what seemed forever. I asked her if she wanted to go home and she said no........just wanted to lay down for an hour or two...that she wanted to continue once she felt better.
xMM was not drunk or tipsy.........I asked him if he would take her home......but she refused.....and started to scream that he always took away her fun. Lets just say everyone left her alone to sleep.
xMM went to the kitchen where most everyone was and we all did some toasting and a shot or two. He turned to me and smiled weakly and said that he was so very happy that I came........he looked at me for the next hour with genuine soft smiles and pleading in his eyes - he was always there......and whenever I turned, he was looking at me. I hung out in the kitchen with the ladies on one side and we had fun......I tried to be normal and have fun.
xMM and my H and I went to check on his W........and told her that it had been an hour and she needed to go home and sleep......she finally agreed, and she stormed out to their car.
xMM gave hugs and said goodbye to everyone......and he turned to me and hugged me so long that we forgot that everyone was there then he looked down at me and gave me a very soft kiss.....then he turned to everyone and said Merry Xmas and everyone was smiling and happy......and they all turned and started doing shots again.
I went to the livingroom and had a smoke........I felt loved and lonely. Does that make any sense??????
Xmas day was just like any other Xmas.
Sunday, was football day.....a home game - so I left my house before xMM and other friend came to get H. I left not because I want NC......not because I did not want to see him......but because I had things that I wanted to do......for me....and not once was fleeing a part of it like it used to be........
But: later that night, I was still not home yet........and my phone ringer was turned off.....and he called again.
This time the message was sad.......he said he was so glad to see me on Xmas eve, he thought of me on Xmas all day......he was disapointed that I was not home earlier that morning...and then a very long silence.......and the last thing he said was that he missed me....and I heard him crying as he hung up the phone.
He has not called back. But he will. Posie may disagree....but I know he loves me.
And I will tell him that I love him.
That we have not been together for 2 months........and that he has told me that he is desperate to see me.......
But that I can not be with him until he files for a divorce.
I should feel better about doing the right thing........but what I really want to do is be with him.
But I wont until he has filed. Please help me to stay strong.

Annakarena,
Just a question, because I'm confused. Why is it that you won't see your MM until he files, yet you are married? I don't know your whole story, but since you're on the "Endings" board, I assume you want to end the affair. Yet your post sounds like you want to continue it as long as HE is getting divorced. I'm confused.
We are both Married
In the same circle of friends (my H and he have been in this circle of friends for 20 years)
He has pursued a divorce for a year but his wife is very very ill (she is suicidal and she drinks too much)
My H and I are friends but yes, we will be filing early next year.....this is what we decided.
We dont want our friends to know that we betrayed them, us, and our spouses.
We had a connection for 8 years but did not act upon it until late June of this year.....our A lasted 3 months......we rented a place and lived together (at that time I left my home and so did he........)
His W does not want to be married to him but does not want him to be happy.....she now no longer wears her ring.
I did not want the A to end.........but we both wanted a real relationship......and we sort of got caught....his wife was getting smart......and we knew that the A was wrong.......we and they deserved better.
I dont know if I can see him alone when his wife leaves next month for a week......because....it hurts too much.
I want a valid relationship.
I know he loves me, but if he wants me..........we will have to be free.