expectations

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
expectations
7
Thu, 08-12-2010 - 10:16am

I had a minor "incident" yesterday (thank you Luvin for helping me with my combination of anger and hurt feelings) It made me do some thinking about expectations.

The back story of what happened - I'm single and have to take care of literally everything in my life alone. Including lawn care - we have a big yard at home, and I own my office bldg, so I have to take care of everything here too. I had worked my butt off over the weekend with household chores and a ton of yard work. Yesterday, a guy that's done some landscaping for me was across the street and we talked for a little bit - about the weed problem lately and he says, "Ya, we were doing work at XAP's house a few days ago and he said isn't there something you can do about all these weeds?" It was like being sucker punched hearing his name. It was strange that he mentioned XAP's name out of the blue. Feelings washed over me like a tidal wave. Anger - he picks up the phone and calls someone to take care of their yard - and of course his W doesn't have to lift a finger. Anger/Hurt - he's not taking care of it for me. Hurt - he's obviously not going anywhere if he's worried about his weed problem.

After breathing and venting, I realized OF COURSE he's going to take care of his own lawn. During our A's our expectations get so f-ed up. They are completely and totally unrealistic. I would go so far as to say that I used to expect him to come home to me after work - sounds crazy, and I always knew that it wasn't going to happen, but that was my expectation.

With a new day, I have new expectations.

I expect to take care of my own home and property. And I'm proud of the fact that I have the drive and the resources to do it.

I expect to NOT look to a man that doesn't belong to me for support. I will find strength within myself to face anything that comes my way.

I expect to move forward with my new life, a little bit more every day.

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
In reply to: bodhi2010
Thu, 08-12-2010 - 1:19pm

Bodhi,
Great job refocusing your hurt into a powerful and healing mindset!
You are whoa-man; hear you roooooaaaar!

Rock on, Grrlfriend.
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2009
In reply to: bodhi2010
Thu, 08-12-2010 - 1:40pm

Bodhi,


I have watched you transform and I am so darn proud of you. You have and will continue to heal and move forward with such dignity and strength.


We all had those unrealistic jacked up expectations in our A's. Heck, I once complained to my XMM about his wifes spending habits and asked WTH would he let her spend $700 in one day. I hated that feeling. It was a feeling of deeply caring but helpess to change a darn thing.


You are on your way my dear and the fog is lifting. Stay on course and YOU will get YOU back!!


GMLB

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
In reply to: bodhi2010
Thu, 08-12-2010 - 1:59pm

I am ashamed about all the expectations I had...mine were pretty stupid....I am happy I can laugh at myself now. Man, thankful for a clear mind. The power behind it is priceless.

Your welcome Bodhi, sounds like you did just fine tho...your one impressive chick ;)

Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
In reply to: bodhi2010
Thu, 08-12-2010 - 2:27pm

Bodhi,


There was a really good thread started by Bandk back in January of this year re. "Expectations." I will copy the link here so you can read it.


http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlending&msg=27878.1&x=y


<>


Not

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
In reply to: bodhi2010
Thu, 08-12-2010 - 2:35pm

Thank you Iddy and everyone :)

Thanks for copying the thread - I will definitely read it all. There have been so many life experiences I was devastated by over the years - and XAP expected me to be happy about. I used to think, does he just NOT get it?? I've felt many times that it was like pouring salt in my wound. But now I see that it was just real life, and like you, I was being selfish thinking I was supposed to be a part of it all.

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
In reply to: bodhi2010
Thu, 08-12-2010 - 3:13pm

Talking about expectations. I remember once when I was in bed with XAP and my DH was traveling I mentioned that I needed to take my car in for servicing but had a meeting. He looked at me and told me I sure hope you can work it all out and got out of bed, showered and left (sheez!). Why in the world would I even expect this guy to do ANYTHING for me (outside of the bedroom). The crazy thing is that I have a DH who would jump through hoops to do anything I asked, even do things for me before I ask him. Another instance was when my XAP and his siblings threw his mother a birthday party and he asked me to go with him, and I told him how in the world did he think me, a M woman could go meet his mother. He told me that I could "you know what with him" but I couldn't meet his mother.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
In reply to: bodhi2010
Thu, 08-12-2010 - 4:33pm

Mom -

I wanted to first say that you brought tears to my eyes with your post about your H keeping your "I love you email" in his wallet. That is SO cool. I'm so glad you witnessed that :)

It's interesting because I never had any expectations from my exH. Maybe I realized early on that they wouldn't be met by him so I didn't even try. I wanted so badly for XAP to be the "one" and for it to work out. But holy cow, why I didn't see sooner that it was futile to try and change him.

<<>>

I agree - I've never fooled myself thinking that after 7.5 years that the town hasn't whispered behind my back. Weed guy was either doing it for "sport" seeing if I'd react or Luvin even thought maybe XAP planted the seed (no pun intended) in his head or possibly told him to say something. Who knows - it was definitely strange though. Could also just be a coincidence.

<<>>

Now you sound like my real mom - ha :) My 17-year-old helps mow both places, so that really helps. Most of the time I can handle everything, but the weeds got really out of control because we've had crazy rain here. We have lots of large trees that lost some branches. And I lost an entire week dealing with my basement flooding. I've gotten better at hiring help in the last year. I'm have a bad combination of martyr and cheapskate = one tired puppy.

:)
Bodhi