Expectations of Marriage

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Expectations of Marriage
Wed, 04-23-2003 - 7:11pm
Well here's a timely little Ivillage quiz:


Especially interesting were these comments:

Do people just fall out of love?


Some people believe that they need to divorce their spouses because they've fallen out of love. First of all, people don't just fall out of love. If love dwindles, it's because the marriage wasn't a priority. The number-one cause for the breakdown in marriages in our country is that people don't spend enough time together. They take their spouse and their marriage for granted. Work, kids and other obligations become more important than spending time together. When this happens, during the little time people do spend together, they end up fighting. This distance and alienation sometimes fool people into thinking they've fallen out of love.

Second, love isn't just a feeling. It's a decision. Happily married people understand that if they engage in activities that bring love into the marriage, they will feel loving. There is no major mystery here. You both decide on a daily basis whether you're going to spend time together regularly or do your own thing, forgive each other or hold grudges, accept each other's weaknesses or point fingers of blame, apologize when in error or smugly stand your ground, be generous and giving or put your own needs first.

Of course, we're all human and our ability to be loving and kind to each other ebbs and flows, as do our feelings for our partners. However, wise people don't allow negative feelings or the absence of loving feelings to make them question their commitment to their spouses. They just understand that they're going through a rough time and that soon, they will decide to do what it takes to evoke feelings of love again, in themselves and in their spouses.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-23-2003 - 7:51pm
OMG Crystal - that is an incredible post... just what I absolutely needed to read today... in fact I think I'm going to email it to myself so I can look at it whenever I need to...


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Wed, 04-23-2003 - 10:50pm
Love isn't just a feeling, or a decision; it is a VERB. If you want to feel love, you have to act it out and make it into an action. Do the things that lovers would do, act like you are "in love" and the feelings will follow the actions.

I ditched the kids last night over at my mother's. It was a surprise for my husband when it was just the two of us alone last night. Took him awhile to figure it out. We went out for dinner, painted a new bedroom, and watched a funny movie. We had FUN. It was the first time I had planned a surprise for him in a long time, and it felt good, and I felt closer to him for doing a loving action, than for waiting for love to happen. And the kisses were better than they have been in awhile too.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-24-2003 - 2:22am
Woohoo!! I took the quiz and did fairly well. 86% isn't bad for a person who expects perfection. LOL

I missed #3.

Question #: 3 In healthy relationships, major disagreements always get resolved over time.

Your Answer: True

The correct answer: False

Answer explanation: Research shows that approximately 60 percent of what couples argue about is unresolvable! If you eavesdrop on couples' arguments as newlyweds and then again after they've been married for 25 years or more, you might be surprised to find that much of the content is the same. However, the way in which people discuss these heated issues does change over time. People tend to mellow a bit, which makes a huge difference in how their partners react to them and vice versa.

Too many people think that their marriages are in trouble because they continue to argue about the same things for years. But the truth is that this is very common. If you have been thinking that in good marriages people eventually find mutually satisfying solutions to all major problems, you've been fooling yourself. This just isn't the case.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-24-2003 - 12:23pm
Hi Crystal! I took this quiz and scored a 100% ! And I emailed it to my H ! We'll see how he does! I guess everything must be all his fault huh? LOL!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-24-2003 - 5:05pm
Hey, I never thought to send it to Sean!! Maybe I will. LOL


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-25-2003 - 1:47pm
Hi Crystal,

I did not take the quiz as I am not married but I needed to read the comments that you posted. After my 3 year (& kinda still ongoing) affair, I am now terrified of marriage. I'm so afraid to love someone else knowing what could happen. I used to love thinking about marriage and loving my future husband but now it doesnt seem worth the pain you may get yourself into. I used to think marriages were untouchable...safe...off limits to everyone else nomatter how attractive they are. It would kill me to find out that the man I loved enough to marry would be loving someone else; and it would also kill me to love someone else while still married to the man I once loved so much. I don't know if this is making sense, but these are scary thoughts running in my mind. Anyway, your comments made me start to think that when I do find "the one", we just need to work damn hard at continuing to make it work. Maybe even see this affair as an advantage because now I know how fragile every relationship is.