eye opening

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
eye opening
11
Tue, 08-17-2010 - 8:23am

I've been thinking a lot about the "love" I thought I felt for XAP. I thought I fell in love with him immediately. That led to a very toxic, unhealthy attachment for a lot of painful years. When we are attached to someone who isn't available, it is followed only by disappointment. I see now that my initial attraction to XAP was based on selfishness. I wanted him to fulfill MY needs. At first, I felt my love toward him was altruistic - I truly cared about him more than anything. But over time it turned into "if you are good to me, I'll be good to you". And he was anything but good to me. In another post I talked about my crazy expectations. With my feelings of attachment and all my expectations came possessiveness - I felt he was MINE. And I felt cheated on by him daily. I felt fearful of something happening to him and I wouldn't know about it. The fear grew and grew. "I can't live without you" thoughts - I created this "perfect" man and "perfect" relationship in my mind. I see now that the perfection I thought I saw in him wasn't really there, I had simply closed my eyes to all his negative qualities and the reality of the relationship.

Bodhi

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
In reply to: bodhi2010
Tue, 08-17-2010 - 8:52am

I think that is what we do when we are in an A. We create the "perfect" man with our AP because truth be told we really don't know the real them. There is a significant part of their life that we have no clue about. Ppl who cheat are good at living double lives and becoming the person their mate wants them to be because they know that they can be someone other than themselves. I did it with my XAP. I became this s*x goddess and I pretended to be as open and honest as possible when at home I was a prude who withdrew from my DH. I could be who I wanted with XAP because there was no rules. He knew I was M and therefore I assumed he knew I wasn't bringing my real self to the table. The very fact that he would have a relationship with a M woman while being single told me that he didn't think enough of himself to not expect more. Also, with my serious issues I felt somewhat empowered by the fact that I could get a single, younger man to be faithful to me (warped I know). The sad fact is that I needed that to feel worthy. Both him and I were feeding off of each other's low self esteem.


We wear blinders in an A because to face the truth would be too painful. We use it as an escape because our coping skills are all messed up. We live in a world where we make up our own fantasy because the truth is too painful. Truth is, when a person is M to someone else, that person has a real life with that person. They are sharing real things and they are living in the open. That person knows your parents, your siblings, your co-workers and everyone who is important to you. They are inter-twined into your real life. In other words that person knows the real you.


If you truly cared for your XAP wouldn't you want to meet his mother, sister, children and every other person who is important in his life? If you were truly in love with him wouldn't you want to be able to talk to his children about how special their dad is to you or his siblings? Wouldn't you want to go to his work place and have lunch with him in the open in front of his co-workers? True love doesn't hide from real life. It is open for the world to see. You and I hid out in these toxic relationships because we couldn't deal with real life.


In T, I found out why I hid out in my A. I found out the truth about myself and it wasn't pretty. I have been on this earth for 40 something years and I am just now learning about who I really am, what I'm made of and why I make the decisions I make.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2009
In reply to: bodhi2010
Tue, 08-17-2010 - 9:49am

Mom,


WOW!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
In reply to: bodhi2010
Tue, 08-17-2010 - 9:55am

<<<>>

Exactly. After reading your post, I also am realizing that I was caught up in my own personal fantasy as well. I became a different person too - I was more "perfect" than my real self. At first I enjoyed the role of s*x goddess and like you, felt a little empowered by it. But over the years, it turned into feeling completely like an object. I did want to meet his parent, siblings, etc. and that's been a tough thing to deal with - accepting the fact that for his reasons he didn't want that to happen. It's all such a continual learning experience. Thanks Mom! :)

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2009
In reply to: bodhi2010
Tue, 08-17-2010 - 11:12am
Hi Bodhi,
Sounds like you are processing it all. As more time comes between us and our A's we slowly, but surely come to realize the truth about ourselves and how we let the nightmare happen. I'm not all the way there yet. I would love to continue with therapy if finances allowed. Keep up the great work of healing!
Hi Mom,
We are both in our 40's and had A with S man. I would love to know what you learned in T about yourself and why you think you had the A. If you have the time can you possibly email me with a little insight?
Stanfordnow@gmail.com
Thank you,
Love, AAI
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2007
In reply to: bodhi2010
Tue, 08-17-2010 - 11:46am

mom and bodhi,

Wow, both awesome posts.

Mom, your mention of meeting the children and families of our AP's reminded me of something my xAP said to me once. He told me we had to stay in contact (after I wanted it over) because he "almost knew my children". He hung onto that like it was a written law. Of course he was grasping at straws, but because we had shared so much of our lives with each other, he felt he knew my children. But in reality, he didn't. And neither did I know his. I know of them and I knew what they were up to, but to know and relate verbally is a whole other ballgame.

Ok, that said,(!!!) it shows how we tried to make the relationship real. xAP told me enough about himself and his family that I knew I would never feel comfortable around them, yet I used that knowledge as a crutch. By sharing our family life, we felt close to each other and used that as an excuse to make our affair seem real. Make sense? I grew so tired of listening and reading about xAP's family drama, no way did want that in my real life - I didn't live like that. Yet, I pretended to care and give advice.

I hid out in my affair too. I was pretending to be the woman I wanted to be in my real life, but couldn't because of my own fears and misconceptions. In the affair, I painted a much different picture of who I was in real life. Sure, both real and affair "me" crossed and intermingled, but xAP never knew the real me. What a shame! But actually, the real me now compared with the real me in the affair are vastly different.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
In reply to: bodhi2010
Tue, 08-17-2010 - 2:30pm

Even though you and your XAP told each other everything about your family, remember when you are in an A you are seeing grey. I remember saying bad things about my DH to my XAP that were the furthest from the truth. I painted my DH out to be a bad guy when in fact my DH is a wonderful man whom I pushed so far away and was so shut down with him that he was starved for attention. We put our own "spin" on our life because we can essentially tell them what we want because they have no way of verifying what we say is true (KWIM). Our thinking is all messed up while we are in our A and we spend most of our time justifying why we are doing something so terrible. We tell

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2007
In reply to: bodhi2010
Tue, 08-17-2010 - 3:02pm
Mom, you are right, it was all gray. And none of it mattered.
I certainly put my spin on it, but I wasn't just totally telling xAP one lie after the other. I think there were times I was too giving and too honest towards xAP. Of course the entire affair was a "lie" but that's another point. Looking back, not only was I this other woman to xAP, but I was also not my normal self to my husband during that time. I was way too sweet and kind to xAP while I was being a total witch to my husband. Normal affair fog, thinking that was real and how it was supposed to be. ugh
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2010
In reply to: bodhi2010
Tue, 08-17-2010 - 3:58pm
I couldn't have said this better myself Bodhi.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
In reply to: bodhi2010
Tue, 08-17-2010 - 4:26pm

GP -

I know all about begging and pleading too. I used to say "can you please tell me you love me and sound like you mean it" It's sad. There is nothing sweet or remotely satisfying having to ASK someone like that.

<<>>

I completely understand. We both put a lot of time in with these JAMS. Email me if you ever need to, our stories are very similar. :)

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2010
In reply to: bodhi2010
Tue, 08-17-2010 - 5:04pm

Thank you Bodhi...I really appreciate it.

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