eye opening
Find a Conversation
| Tue, 08-17-2010 - 8:23am |
I've been thinking a lot about the "love" I thought I felt for XAP. I thought I fell in love with him immediately. That led to a very toxic, unhealthy attachment for a lot of painful years. When we are attached to someone who isn't available, it is followed only by disappointment. I see now that my initial attraction to XAP was based on selfishness. I wanted him to fulfill MY needs. At first, I felt my love toward him was altruistic - I truly cared about him more than anything. But over time it turned into "if you are good to me, I'll be good to you". And he was anything but good to me. In another post I talked about my crazy expectations. With my feelings of attachment and all my expectations came possessiveness - I felt he was MINE. And I felt cheated on by him daily. I felt fearful of something happening to him and I wouldn't know about it. The fear grew and grew. "I can't live without you" thoughts - I created this "perfect" man and "perfect" relationship in my mind. I see now that the perfection I thought I saw in him wasn't really there, I had simply closed my eyes to all his negative qualities and the reality of the relationship.
Bodhi

Pages
Pages