Facing the music...

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2010
Facing the music...
8
Thu, 07-08-2010 - 1:42pm

So last month i posted that i desperatly wanted the A to end. it did. then it didnt. I fell back into the same pattern, terrified that AP would "out"me and also because i am human. So after months of stress induced/self inflicted illness and pain...I outed myself this week. I told my husband and family and those I love so that i would no longer live in fear. There is nothing more that i can be blackmailed with. I feel like i can breath again. I can ALMOST look myself in the eye. I will get there. I have a tough road ahead but the most important thing is keeping my family together and THANK GOD my husband feels the same way. I have been through a lot in my life but the pain i have felt over my own selfishness and lack of self respect has by far been worse than any other pain i have felt. I am 5 days nc and due to the circumstances of the A and aggression/threats of exAP, watching my back and those that i love. All email addresses, social networking sites, phone numbers are gone or changed. Its humiliating, depressing, confusing, heartwrenching to face the music but my light is that i know one day i will forgive myself and gain back the trust of all the ones i hurt. So thank you.


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Thu, 07-08-2010 - 2:17pm

((Seekanend))


I'm very proud of you for coming clean and as you said, "Facing the music." That took great courage on your part, and I truly believe the only

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2010
Thu, 07-08-2010 - 2:40pm

Thank you so much! Its empowering.


yes, i will be reading what i can...its nice to know i am not alone!


My H is handling it pretty well from what i can see...im sure he is still in shock but he has earned any anger/pain/resentment that will show itself so i will ride out the storm. He IS a great guy, for sure. I am getting therapy independantly and am hoping he will as well, in time whether it is couples or not.


Yes, the lies, the secrets, keeping up with it all....was eating at me from the inside out. It filled me with such rage at myself for being so out of control that i took it out on anyone i came into contact

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Thu, 07-08-2010 - 6:28pm

Good for you! You are now accountable to your H and your family and that will help keep you in check. I did not have the choice of "outing" myself- I had 3 DDays- yes, 3. But now I know it was a good thing. It's allowed my H and I to have some very serious discussions. There are no more secrets, and together, we choose to move forward. I wish the same for you.

I do have 2 warnings for you 1- your H may go through a series of emotions and that is normal. Once this all sinks in, he will be dealing with anger, resentment, hurt and betrayal. Be patient with him. Give him the support he needs. Always be honest from here on out and you will make it. 2- The early days of NC are empowering and you feel invincible. That doesn't always last. You too will start to deal with a myriad of emotions and it will knock the wind out of you. Don't lose heart. It's all part of the process. You will have ups and downs, but even when you are down, your inner self will be churning away to create a new and better you. Just keep your eyes on the light at the end of the tunnel and you will get there.

Hugs,

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
Thu, 07-08-2010 - 10:44pm

Hello,

I echo every thing that wise Jane has shared. I informed my H of my A the first day we kissed (about a week in). The A last about 2 years more with several Ddays - although my H had not asked me to end the A - that decision would have to be mine.

My H knew about it for most of the time, and we tried to manage this within our M. We were unsuccessful (no, really?!). He moved out. Regardless, for me and my H, I knew him knowing was the best decision. He would want to know, and has never expressed to me having wished he hadn't known. He would not have wanted me to suffer in silence, nor to have not been apart of such a life altering experience.

He is the exception, I'm sure. But like Jane mentioned, my H and I have both experienced a range of emotions trying to understand ... but living without this as a secret between us has made us much much closer - if only as co-parents and friends. We may never reconcile, but I will never regret him knowing, only that the A happened at all.

TU.

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2009
Sat, 07-10-2010 - 10:56am
I believe the term, once a cheater, always a cheater, does not apply, when once a liar is no longer
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2010
Sun, 07-11-2010 - 12:09am

Your H is an amazing man.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2010
Tue, 07-13-2010 - 3:40pm

Jane,


Thank you so much! My H for the most part has been “normal” but he has had his times of rage, I guess you could say. I went to my T and she told me how to handle those times for the most part….which is exactly the same advice you had =) (Do you take insurance? Haha) I have also had a few times where I DO feel just like you said, the wind gets knocked out of me and I feel SO sad. I didn’t discuss that with my T because I feel so guilty for even feeling it. I feel sometimes like I have no “right” to emotions right now. I have done the damage and I deserve the pain. That has been my life tho….pain = feeling good. I know I have to work to change that. When I am “self destructive” I am “family destructive”. I haven’t figured out a good way to deal with the sadness…grief…regret…whatever it is yet


Transcending,


Thank you for your kind words and sharing your story. I have no regrets about telling my H either. Secrets become cancerous. For me, if I am hiding something….i am building a wall. I know not everyone is like that but Its how I am and I don’t think I can change that. =)


Thinking_hard,


I totally agree…and thank you!


Movingfwd,


I SO hope your M works! I know too that I never want to go through this again. This has been the worst pain ever. I wish the best to you and your H!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Tue, 07-13-2010 - 6:49pm

Hello Seek-

I too felt many times that I had no right to the emotions I was feeling. But I learned that suppressing them does no good either- that's where I am lucky. My H is open enough to listen. And although it's incredibly painful for him to watch me "get over" another man, he knows I have to work through this. He's been extremely supportive despite his pain. In fact, one day I came home from work and he had gone to school early. I was crushed. I was so looking forward to seeing him (which is a very positive thing). When he came home I asked him about it and he said he had to leave because he was feeling very angry and he didn't want to take it out on me. He does not think that anger has any place in our healing. So despite what I did to us, he still wanted to protect me.

You will get through this, but it will take time. You have to rebuild yourself before you can be what you need to be to your H. That was definitely a struggle to me. I knew what I needed to do in order to start building trust, but I was not in a place to do it. I was still working on me. I continue to work on me, but I've reached a point now where I can handle the A emotions, which allows me a lot more time to focus on my M. Just keep moving forward and you will get there.

Hugs,

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/