Facing your core issues (long read)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2010
Facing your core issues (long read)
7
Thu, 03-04-2010 - 4:30pm

First, please accept my apologies for the fact that I have not posted much since I first introduced myself. I still lurk quite a bit, not sure why, but I feel like I don’t know what to say to comfort most of you. I am just shy of 4 months of NC after 5 months of LC/trying to end it. In reading some of the newer posts, my heart goes out to all of you because I still remember what it was like in the beginning of NC. It seemed like there was never going to be a light at the end of the tunnel and nothing was going to be the same again. So in the hopes that this post can help someone else, I’m going to tell you what I have come to realize now that the fog is almost fully lifted.

When NC began, I focused so much on the fact that I loved him and needed him. I focused on the pain that I felt in my heart, in my head, and in my stomach. I focused on the fact that my life was never going to be complete without him. This was in my initial grieving phase. I went back and forth with placing blame, being angry at him, angry at myself, and wondering why we couldn’t just be together and live happily ever after.

After time, reading this board, and actually taking a step back and looking at the why’s, I realized that it was something in me that made me seek out an AP. Why I picked my xAP was listed out in another post, but it boiled down to: I have abandonment issues. There are many reasons why we have an A, but one of the common issues is abandonment. E1 commented on my post before and this is what she asked:

Who hurt you so bad in your past that you have buried all of your feelings? What stops you from connecting with your H?

In the hopes of maybe this helping someone else, I will share with you all my “core issues”. I grew up being raised by my father. Both of my parents were alcoholics but thankfully my father wanted something better for us. The way the story goes was that my mother told him that if he didn’t take me and my sister that she would put us up for adoption. So my father took us and my mother was not a part of my life for 10 years. During that time, my father still had alcohol issues and there were times where my sister and I were shipped to family members’ homes for months at a time. My mother came back in the picture when I was 12. Even though she hadn’t changed, I lived with her until she left me when I turned 17 (after many drunk weekends where she would kick me out and call me every name under the sun). She moved out of state and left me to pay all the bills and fend for myself and I didn’t talk to her again for 2 years. I eventually moved back in with my father. Despite his faults, my father always loved, but when I turned 19 my beloved father passed away from a sudden heart attack. I’m sharing this with you all because this is how I came to believe that in the end, everyone leaves me. This is the thought that I have carried around since I was a child and continued during my marriage.

I met my husband when I was 18 and we have now been married 12 years. When some major issues arose in my marriage, I felt betrayed and extremely hurt by my husband. In my head I over analyzed and obsessed to the point where I convinced myself that this was finally it, this is when he is going to leave me just like everyone else. So instead of dealing with my issues, my coping mechanisms kicked in and I handled it like every other time I got hurt, I shut down and hurt him before he could hurt me. Of course he doesn’t know what I’ve done, but it was my way of dealing. While all of this happened, I felt like the victim, that I was somehow justified in finding comfort with another man. Now that the fog and the “poor me” is lifting, I’m seeing things for what they really are and have been all along.

I realize the pattern now, I realize that I must finally address what has driven me to jeopardize the most important love of my life. I found it odd that we never had any children or didn’t even own a home. I realize now that I was doing that to protect myself. Because in my mind, when (not if) he left me, kids and a house would just make things more complicated. I realize that even though I have been the one to commit the betrayal, I have to forgive my husband for breaking my heart. He’s human, he’s not perfect, but he loves me and I am learning to be secure with that. I look at him now that the fog is lifting, and I see the man that makes me laugh, the man that has held my hand when needed, the man that held me in his arms when my father passed away. He is also the man that held me and worried about me while I was depressed and grieving the end of my A. I look at him like I did when I fell in love with him. I’m finally able to give us another chance, I’m finally able to see that I can’t automatically assume that he’ll leave me. The man proves to me on a daily basis that he loves me above all else, and that he believes in us, and I’m beginning to believe it myself.

This has brought up so many tears for me, but it has been a necessary thing to face this about myself. For all of you that are new at NC, please take the time to grieve, but please…I beg of you, when you are ready, take a step back and do the work that it takes to figure out the why’s. Getting to my “core issues” has been the one thing that has allowed me to start to reconnect with my husband, and even if you don’t have a husband, getting down to the root will help you with all of your relationships.

Wishing everyone the best,
BBear

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2009
Thu, 03-04-2010 - 5:40pm

Wow, wow. Thank you bbear for sharing your story. I have been doing alot of soul searching. I am brand new to my NC, and I am doing ok. But, I know that there are deep seated issues that led me down this road.

I thought I was unhappy with my marriage. I thought it was my husband's fault.

I was wrong. It was all about me and my fears.

Sorry for rambling, bbear. Your post resonated with me on a deep level. Thank you again for sharing. I will keep soul searching. I hope my fog lifts soon. :)

Hazel




Edited 3/11/2010 2:06 pm ET by hazelrose2009
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Thu, 03-04-2010 - 7:15pm

Amazing BBear,


I read every word of your post! And yours too HazelRose.


Thanks so much for being brave enough to share your story in the hopes it will help someone else. I truly believe it will.


I too had that I’m going to protect myself attitude and I’m not going to let anyone in to hurt me mind set. Isn’t it mind boggling how much life we cheated ourselves out of; How much real living we missed and how in the end we caused ourselves pain by following our dysfunctional mindset. Isn’t it interesting how far back in our life we were functioning this way and how the events in our childhood still affect us today in adulthood.


Just by you opening up and taking a risk in sharing your story on this board it shows that you are no longer hiding behind those walls you built up over the years. It brings to mind a sayings...yes E1 and all her quotes and sayings is throwing in another one:

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2008
Fri, 03-05-2010 - 11:29am

Bbear,

I just wanted to say a simple thank you...youre words have given me inspiration and the confidence that I am on the right road with my T by digging up the past.

DM

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2010
Fri, 03-05-2010 - 12:04pm

Hazel – sending you a big congrats on beginning NC, it is definitely one of the hardest things you will do, but it’s definitely well worth it. Since you are new to NC, you may not be able to fully understand your why’s just yet and that’s perfectly fine. The best advice I can give is to definitely take the time to grieve the end of your A, when you are ready you will be able to look past the grief and begin to examine what and why you sought out your xAP. Your comment about your husband joking with you made me think of my DH. Over the past couple of weeks I have expressed to him all of my fears and he is now starting to realize how deep it goes. It’s nice to finally share myself fully with him, because I’m not even sure I was this honest with him before my A. There’s a reason we fell in love with our DH’s, and I for one am enjoying rediscovering why.

E1 – Your words on my previous post meant more to me than you will ever know. When you pour your heart out, you don’t necessarily see the underlying issues, and having your objective view helped put things into perspective for me. For that, you will have my eternal gratitude.

DM – I denied that the events with my parents affected me in any way for a very long time. I assumed I was able to swallow and “get over” it, I’ve never been one to place blame. But it’s not really placing blame, my parents are who they are, but that doesn’t mean their mistakes have to be repeated by me. Neither of them were bad people, but it was the situation that allowed me to develop my coping mechanisms. Your situation may be completely different, but every relationship has an effect on you, and sometimes they effect you so much that it changes your behavior. I wish you the best of luck in your journey.

Thanks again to everyone for letting me share with you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2009
Fri, 03-05-2010 - 2:57pm

bbear,

Thank you for the encouragement. :) I am feeling good today. The sun is out, it's a beautiful day. I am able to breathe today and it feels good not to be caught up in the drama! I got so tired of the rollarcoaster ride. Will he text me back? Is he missing me? Will I see him again? Blah blah blah.

You know what?

I don't care!!!!!!

He's just a man, and today, I'm claiming the small victory that I have made so far. :)

Thanks again :) :) :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2009
Fri, 03-05-2010 - 5:02pm

Way to go Hazel!!! I am proud of you. It takes so much to pull ourselves out of this and I am so glad that you are having a good day.


Thanks for posting your positive thoughts. The roller coastrer sucks and I cant wait till I get to that indifference stage. Right now, I feel angry at myself and Xmm for all that happened but each day is one more in the right direction.


And bbear, this post helped me a lot, thanks so much for sharing.


GMLB

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2010
Fri, 03-05-2010 - 11:15pm

bbear,

Thank you so very much for taking the time to post your story. Abandonment is definitely my core issue (at least one very important one) from upbringing. I refuse to accept real love from those close to me and seek out approval from those who hurt me, proving to myself that I'm not worth it and people eventually leave me anyways. I was even terrified for years of ever having or loving a child, for fear he would be "taken away" from me too (accident/illness/predator, etc).

I have lived a life of "better to leave them first" than to get too close and watch them leave. My entire marriage I have never felt it was going to last, preparing myself the entire time for the eventual breakup...even though my H has put up with so much over the years and yet, he stays. Hmmmm.

You have given me a lot to think about.

Hugs,
Misty