Failing...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2010
Failing...
5
Wed, 05-19-2010 - 1:48pm

As I was getting ready to leave work last week, my cell phone rang. It was him! My heart started racing and I was Ecstatic to see that he still thinks of me! (It’s almost 2 months of NC) My heart was aching to pick up the phone and hear his voice. My head kept telling me – No, don’t answer. Well I was very proud of myself because the voice in my head won…that time. A few days ago, he sent me a text. Against my better judgment, I answered it – just short and sweet. Well, that opened up the lines of communication and he proceeded to let me know how much he’s missed me. He said he can’t do it – can’t let me go. He wanted to see me. Now, my situation is that I am M, he is single but is now dating. He says he is tired of being alone and wants someone in his life full time – I have vowed to work on my M. There has been no D Day for me (knock on wood)!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2009
In reply to: ellashorty
Wed, 05-19-2010 - 2:04pm

As someone with the shoe on the other foot....


If you love him so much and ache for him so much, why don't you end your marriage and be with him full time?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2009
In reply to: ellashorty
Wed, 05-19-2010 - 3:29pm
Mickey, I can't answer for Ella, but since my guy was also S, and since my heart also ached for xap, I can tell you why I chose not to end my M for him. I finally realized that my xap had seduced me away from my H. Now I fully understand that I am a grown woman and he didn't pull me dragging and screaming, I went willingly. However, I kept thinking about the kind of future I would have with this guy. If he is willing to seduce a married woman, who's to say he wouldn't do it again when/if he grew tired of me. Yes, we did feel like what we had was special/rare and were madly in love, but what kind of foundation did we have when/if things began to get tough, when RL set in and bills are due, house needs cleaning, I have PMS...etc.,etc. My H and I have that foundation. H has seen me at my worst and still loves me. We have history and memories that I was not willing to throw away. We have children together. I was not willing to devastate them just so that I could have my ego stroked by a younger man. So, that's why I didn't leave for my single guy. I think I knew all along that I wouldn't, but it was still extremely painful when I did.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
In reply to: ellashorty
Wed, 05-19-2010 - 4:46pm

Ella,


<<<Just knowing that he still has these feelings for me makes me ache for him. He’s been on my mind every minute since. I think about him constantly, I dream about him and long to be with him.>>


I am sorry to hear that you blew 2 months of NC. You were strong enough not to answer your cell, but you see? One little response to an email and your emotions are all over the place again. Ok, so he misses you. So what? Are you going to leave your H and make an honest man out of him? Wouldn't you have already taken steps if that were the case? Instead you made a vow to work on your M. You made a choice (the right one, may I add) to stop this dysfunctional relationship because that is what A's are. Dysfunctional, addictive, toxic, hurtful, selfish....shall I go on?


It all comes down to why NC works. Maybe you were still raw and struggling at 2 months, but now your wounds are ripped wide

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2010
In reply to: ellashorty
Wed, 05-19-2010 - 5:27pm

Good question, Micky! And I’ll tell you, I was a little taken aback by it, but I needed that to be said/asked. There are a few answers to this. The biggest and most important is that I do not want to break up my family – for my kids’ sake. My H is a good father to them – there is no problem there. Second, I think my M still has a chance. There are many things that I would like to ‘fix’ in my M, even tried M Counseling, although my H quit after only 3 sessions, but I need to give my M a good chance without the fog of the A and exAP on the sidelines.


Although I was selfish in having this A, I cannot break up my family, disrupt my H’s life and my children’s lives to feed my ego, my heart and longing. I feel guilty enough as it is.


So here I am back at square one…

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
In reply to: ellashorty
Wed, 05-19-2010 - 7:27pm

Ella-

You ask "how you do you do it." And the answer is quite simple and complex. You aren't the first to ask and certainly won't be the last. But you said that you are committed to your M, so you have your answer. NC is the only way now.

So, I want to reiterate what I posted at 90 days NC. In response to your question, how do you do it?

You just do it. You take a good, hard, honest look at yourself and ask yourself if you really want to recover. Have you had enough? If you have, you batten down the hatches and weather the storm. You trust time and let it heal you. And when the hard times come, you push through them. You learn and then practice patience. You will not heal overnight and you have to be okay with that. You learn to rely on and trust in yourself. You learn to trust others who have gone through it when they tell you that it will pass. And, as hard as it is, no contact is the only way to lift the fog and move on. You recite to yourself “silence is eloquent, silence is dignified, silence is heard.” You remind yourself you are doing this for YOU, your family and your husband or significant other. When someone hands out a dose of tough love, you listen, you internalize their message and you believe in what they say. You stop getting defensive. You stop placing blame elsewhere for your transgressions. You stop letting him rent space in your head. You stop sabotaging yourself by doing a drive by, listening to songs that remind you of the affair, checking out his facebook/myspace, etc. You learn to self protect. You stop beating yourself up. You learn to forgive… him and yourself.

I didn’t want to believe that my affair was just like everyone else’s- and it wasn’t, not exactly. But so much of it shares similar traits. And when you are ready to end it, you face up to that fact… you face the fact that it was about ego stroking, escaping reality and lies. And these are hard pills to swallow, but swallow them you must. You have to admit that it was wrong and stop rationalizing your behavior. It’s painful to be honest with yourself, but until you are, you will never move forward.

You come here and you post and you read. I read so much in the days after ending my affair that my eyeballs almost fell out. I needed to understand how I became this person. I needed to understand why I got involved in an affair. And you write, if that helps you. You write letters to yourself, you write letters to him (that you do not send, of course). And you find someone to talk to, someone to hold you accountable when you are too tired to do so yourself.

You learn to recognize the patterns of thought. You retrain yourself and stop the obsessing. And one day, you realize, that the sun will come up each day, and that each new day is an opportunity to change yourself. You will not die without him. You will smile again. You will be happy. The pain will lessen and eventually go away… and one day you will actually believe this. You “fake it till you make it.” You ride the waves of emotions… and with each down, you look up and believe with all of your heart that it will pass- maybe in a few minutes, maybe in a few days, maybe in a few weeks, but it will pass. You will not always feel this way if you take the steps to work on yourself and start living a life you can be proud of.

This has not been easy by any means, but nothing worth having comes easy. Happiness is a choice- your choice. You can choose to do nothing and lament the same outcomes, or you can dig in, put in the hard work and come out on the other side, a more complete person. If you can’t do it alone, get into counseling. This struggle, this pain, all of it, will be worth it in the end when you wake up one day and realize that he’s no longer the first thing on your mind in the morning, when you realize that you have your life back, that you are free, that you are worth it, and that you did it.

I am not out of the woods yet. I have up days and down days- and really bad days when I think that I will certainly cave… and I ride them out. I keep looking forward. I put all of my faith in me to overcome the hold of the affair. It is my journey and I will succeed.

If I had not found this group, I know that I would not be where I am today. I’ve garnered so much strength from the insight and wisdom there and I cannot thank these women enough. When I stopped resisting and denying the advice given, I started to feel my inner self churning away to become a better person. I started to see a difference. You can do this ladies. You can. Stop making excuses. Stop losing yourself in self-pity. Stand up, dust yourself off and get to work. It’s been said many times, but it rings so true- real closure comes from yourself. Nothing you say or do now can change what you said or did then, so you let it go and move forward. Yes, I miss him, but that does not define me. I am redefining myself and I like what I see.

Hugs,

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/