fallen back - please help

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
fallen back - please help
3
Wed, 01-12-2005 - 11:13am

I find myself falling back into the depressed mode again. It has been 4 months since NC. I feel so weak all the time. The last two weeks I just want to crawl up in a ball and cry. Why is this taking so long to get over. I think bc usually when people break up it is bc they don't want to see each other anymore. I am ashamed but if he called me just once - I would feel so happy and relieved. We did kinda have closure and I said some things to him that would have upset me if he would have said them to me. I called back three days later and he said he would call me back - never did. The last month of our R I kept talking about and saying I was having a hard time dealing with it all. ( in my mind that he was still with his wife and telling me he couldn't do it right now)He kept asking me to not give up and see what happens next. The first time I tried to end it he talked me right out of it in the same conversation. (said all the right things)The second time was two weeks later and he blew up at me and hung up. I called back a few days later and we agreed to talk again. He wasn't calling me like before (he is very busy at work and has no phone to call out on - my h works there too so I know the situation but he could have found a way like before so a few days later I started crying wolf again. He told me again not to give up on him. I fell for it and he didn't call for a couple of days so I called him and started up the conversation again. He had to call me back later that day bc he was at work. He called and that is when I said everything to him. I was telling him what needed to be said (strong mode) and at first he didn't agree with me and by the end of our talk he was really nice and saying things to me that made me feel he did really care and was having a hard time too. He asked to call me the next day and I said yes. He didn't call so I called him. He blew up at me and I told him we should never talk again. A week later I called him back bc I didn't want any hard feelings. He was really sweet and said he was thinking about me all weekend. I didn't bring up anything about the A and got off the phone with him and that is where the last phone call took place three days after that.

So you see I he beeged me for a month to hold on to him and not give up and finally I tried to threaten again with him and he let me go. I hate that. Why??

I am having a really hard time getting past this R. I love my husband and we are pretty much happy and have a good time together. I know my XMM and I were not meant to be together and we would have had a rough time probably. Its so hard to make future plans with someone and say you the "I love yous" and then bam its all gone. We had everything planned out and how happy we were going to be. I guess we were living in a dream world with no ex's and no kids. I start to wonder bc he hasn't tried to call me and he did't ever call back that maybe it was all bs and he lied all those times to me about love and our future together.

I need help getting over this. I can't go to a counselor bc my husband would wonder why and we just can't afford the cost right now. So I am left here to wallow by myself and wondering when the pain will go away. PLease give me some support and make me realize that I wasn't rejected at the end and it just had to be.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2004
Wed, 01-12-2005 - 1:43pm
Hang in there. I'm sure you'll find lots of support here. It is hard, VERY hard! I need to go to a therapist too. Never have & would be kinda scared. But like i always say, Everything happens for a reason! it just wasn't meant to be. Now why can't I take that to heart! =)
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Wed, 01-12-2005 - 6:48pm

Mere,

Since our timeframes are very similar (3 months for me), I can really relate to your emotional state.

Two weeks ago, I was going through the depression again. I really wanted to call him, just to hear his voice. I didn't because I can't stand the thought of further rejection and insult to what little pride remains.

What I find most interesting is that you find yourself in the depression stage again AFTER your post about xMM wanting to get together with spouses "as friends." It's logical to think that stirred up some of the old memories and feelings. Because if you're anything like me, you repress those with all your might for fear of completely sliding off the deep end.

<<<>>>

This subject has bounced around A LOT on this board the past few days. Most of us are wondering how all that emotion can just disappear.

The truth is, it doesn't. You have to ride the waves of emotion and deal with them in the most healthy way possible. I also cannot go the therapy route. My husband doesn't understand why we can't talk through my depression. Imagine how that conversation would go. "Well honey, I'm depressed because a man I loved and wanted to start a new life with decided to stay with his wife and tribe of kids. Silly me!"

I've found that excercise has helped me alot lately. I know it's cliche, but I swear that when I'm on the treadmill, sweating off my depression bulge, I can start to feel normal again. I let my mind go through all the old memories, all the "shoulda, coulda, woulda" and then when I'm done -- I'm done.

I also bought a Pilates tape and started doing that at home. It's hard to be depressed when you're holding your legs in a weird position and your stomach muscles feel they are going to snap.

Another cliche, but when you try hard to get your mind off of HIM, suddenly you'll realize that you haven't thought about it an hour, a day, a week, a month, etc. It sucks, but it takes time.

Good luck! I'll send happy thoughts your way.

Shel

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
Wed, 01-12-2005 - 6:54pm

Just dont forget.
We all feel this way
It usually surprises us - because we get to a point when we feel kinda normal again, Not really happy and not really down...days go by and so does life...
and then
BAM
He's all over your head - everywhere.
The why's, wishes, broken dreams, regection, longing........its all there.

I have been lurking and posting alot today - and now.........I WANT TO CALL HIM.
I have been rehashing all my emotions today - and I miss him.

If I call - he may not answer.
He may answer and I will feel stupid for calling.
or he could call back tomorrow..........or never again
Its a bad deal......so why do I want to do it.
I DONT KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1