Falling apart and need help here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2004
Falling apart and need help here.
3
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 5:34am
My affair is over. Even as I'm sitting here typing this I'm in tears as I can't believe it and just don't know what to do or who to turn to.

I got a text from my OM yesterday to say he doesn't think we should see each other any more because he feels bad about what we're doing to my family and that he doesn't want to be responsible for a family break up as his ended this way. I know he's right - I am married with kids, whereas he is single, but its just not what I want.

We have been friends for 6 years, and fell into bed with each other only 2 months ago. It wasn't a spur of the moment thing, it had been building for some time, and we talked about it alot before we slept together. We agreed it would be a fun thing, no strings attatched, and I explained to him about my marriage problems, and the fact that I wouldn't want to leave my husband because of the children. It was a completely up front and honest thing between the 2 of us, and maybe thats why it felt so right and good.

After I got his text yesterday, I tried phoning him but he wasn't answering so I texted him back, telling him I respected his decision, knew it was the right thing, but that I still really wanted to remain friends. I asked him to meet me, and said I wouldn;t try to change his mind, but I just wanted to know he didn't hate me because of what we'd done, and how his own marriage had broken up 2 years ago under similar circumstances.

He texted me back immediately, so I know he was there and just didn't want to speak to me, and said he didn't hate me at all. He said he really liked me, and if situations had been different, then who knows? He said he would like to remain friends, but that he genuinly was busy that evening, and that we could get together in a weeks time when he gets back from a work trip (I knew about this trip ages ago, so its not just an excuse).

I despise myself now. I feel so upset about what I've put him through, and how he must feel about me. He's done nothing wrong. He is single, I'm not, so I know the affair is my fault, and whilst I feel no guilt as far as my husband is concerned, I feel very guilty about how he(OM) must see me. If his own M ended due to an affair, then he must hate me now for doing the same thing. I hate myself for putting him in that situation, but I know if he still wanted me, I would still be having an affair.

I also don't know what he wants from me now. I want to remain friends, but I know from previous posts that this is difficult and unusual. We were friends for 6 years, thats got to count for something hasn't it? I also know that if we remain friends, if he changes his mind, I would be in bed with him again in a heartbeat. Does that make me a terrible person?

I need him though. We've been best friends for 6 years and have been through so much together. I can't imagine a life without him in it. I will take whatever I can get, friendship, lovers, whatever. I hate myself for being so weak, but I don't care, I just don't want him hating me too.

How do I cope for the next week until I can see him? And will he really see me then, or am I hoping in vain?

Vamp

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2003
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 8:32am
vampyira,


Let me tell you how sorry I am for all your pain. I know where you are coming from and I know the intense feeling of a broken heart. This week is going to be a difficult one and the best thing I can say to you is truly take it one moment at a time. If you have to cry then do it, write here as often as you want and read the posts from others and you will find that you definitely not alone.

I understand how you don't want him to think bad of you and his M broke up due to the same reasons, BUT you were straightforward about being married, so YOU are not to blame. He could have walked away but he didn't. Don't take this on yourself...it takes two and he is just as responsible. You are a good person, everybody on this board are good people...it's a lesson learned through our journey in this life. These situations always have lessons learned from them.

As far as your friendship with him, wait until you are much calmer and then ask to speak with him. If he doesn't want that then you will know truly how strong your friendship was/is.

I know it hurts but it does get better, I promise you and you have somewhere to go to "talk". You have all of us. Please take care of yourself and take it one moment, one day at a time.

MIdnightBlue

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2003
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 9:20am
Vamp,

Our situations are very similiar. I am a mw with a child, my x-om was single. I live with the guilt everyday on how things went between us and I still miss him everyday, some worse than others. I know what you are going through and know how hard this must be for you. I can tell you that it does get better. I don't know if it is easier for me because I will never see my OM again or if it will be better for you because you still see your OM from time to time. All I can say is that it is going to get better, just take it a day at a time!! Post and let us know how you are doing!!

Karry

Karry - - who is learning to embrace life on her own raising her miracle, Carley Paige

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 6:53pm
The difficult part is in waiting it out, but you have to lie low now. Wait for him to contact you. That is the only way to find out what kind of man he really is. If you continue to force the issue, he will run away even further. If he is the good friend you say he is, he will offer you a more detailed explanation; and hopefully a friendship can be salvaged. Good luck.

**Terri**