Falling deeper

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2010
Falling deeper
9
Sun, 07-11-2010 - 6:34pm

How do I end something I already "ended" twice already? AP and I have been friends for about 8 yrs (in and out of touch throughout the years).

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2010
In reply to: trace2010
Sun, 07-11-2010 - 10:39pm

Hey Trace

I know exactly what you are feeling or at least I can very much relate. It is a horrible place to be in. I was in your spot for years. I swear it is not easy (even today) but I know that at least by cutting off ALL ties I am giving myself a chance. I too fell deep for XMM. He also has children with W and while we were "together" they conceived. Yup they are not getting along and def not sleeping in the same room. hmmm. So you see I was devastated. But I made a choice to be with him and I allowed this to happen. I know some may think you cant help it when these sorta things happen but I believe that I did have a choice. Problem is I was in dire need of just "having" someone in my life. I wanted intimacy etc. I didnt go out and look for it. He sniffed me out LOL. And when he gave me all I wanted and he did it oh so well I was hooked. Irony is I felt worst off having him. I felt more alone and now I am even more so damaged than I was. Looking back I wouldve done it all different. Well that is not going to happen. So I will make this ending my new beginning. You asked how can you end it "again" OMG I am too embarrassed to tell you just how many times I "ended" it. He probably thinks I am wacko, unstable mable. I dont blame him. That is how I felt. I was frikken all over the place with how I felt. I would end it; miss him; and contact him again; there were time he would break contact; oooo how I loved that. He missed me right? NOPE! He wanted to "escape" I misinterpreted it as "caring feelings". I think I broke things off in the earlier days just to get a reaction. Lets see how fast he will run after me. Well that plan backfired. Now I am not taken seriously and he "knows" I am officially his doormat. Well this time I did it for my future; for ME! Difference!!!! I am focused on me and not worrying whether or not he will call; msg etc. Well I do miss all of that but that is normal. I will miss him. I loved him. But I love me more. I too am single and I hated that I would go home alone and he was not. I made my bed I guess you could say. I met him with a family. If someone was as unhappy as he claimed to be there would not have been a second child and he would just leave. I know it is hard to say but that is what normal functional people do. But deep down inside I believe he was filling voids his W was not filling for him at the time. Hmmm, used me you think? Yup and whats even worst I settled for it. So, to answer your question.. go NC!!! Really that is what you need to do. Blocked his number and everything else that connects you to him. You have to save yourself from this life. Unless you are happy living in such a way I will not judge. But you sound so sad to me. I was there and very much still grieving the loss of this A. I miss him everyday and I dont think a day goes by that I dont. You will to. Im sorry for rambling! Hope you find the stregnth within and go NC. There are success stories on here that I have read numerous times and their stories give me hope. I wish for you to find your strength and find your worth!

LLL

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2010
In reply to: trace2010
Mon, 07-12-2010 - 12:00am

Thank you so much for your reply. You echoed many of my thoughts and I too heard the lie...we live in the same house but dont sleep in the same bed.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
In reply to: trace2010
Mon, 07-12-2010 - 9:27am

Trace,
Hi, ya. I would say welcome to the board, but it's premature. You need to END your A before you get the flood of 'welcomes' and the outpouring of support you're going to need.

Honey, look at all the people on this board and read their stories - some were in PAs for YEARS and in As that were much more complicated than yours (ie, working together and such) - and yet, they ended it. How? Well, if you're reading the old post, you'd already have that answer. They just DO. Decide what you want in your life and what you don't - tell soon-to-be-X that it's over in no uncertain terms - then, go NC and stick to it. Accepting the finality of it all is not easy, but what choice do you have? What is the alternative to ending the A? Staying in it? Yah, no. God, or the Universe, or whatever higher force you may or may not believe in has led you to this board -- a huge blessing! You will find here all the tools and support you need to help you end this a and build a health future for yourself. I really, really hope that you will not descend any further into your home-made hell before you decide you deserve better and start making the right steps towards being the person and having the life you can be proud of.

I am wishing you strength and courage!
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2008
In reply to: trace2010
Mon, 07-12-2010 - 12:36pm
Hi Trace. You deserve much more than the crumbs MM will offer you. As for NC, that includes blocking and deleting without reading text and emails. Also ignoring calls from him. If you are able to, to block his number from your cell phone and home phone. This is a cycle that will go nowhere.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2010
In reply to: trace2010
Mon, 07-12-2010 - 3:25pm

Hello Trace...


I joined this board about a week ago after numerous failed attempts at NC... this seems to be the only place that has given me the strength and courage to go through with it.


I can understand your pain, and although I don't yet have a family, I can only imagine the intensity in his home once this baby is born and the less time he can spend with you as his responsibilities at home become bigger.


So if you continue this affair I imagine it will be an even worst version of what it already is.


He's not leaving for you... and you can do better. NC is the best thing to do and in the early days the withdrawals will be terrible. I advise surrounding yourself with people... gettin rid of his number, email blocking everything.


It will be a painful journey but focus on the negatives and lows of being with this man and realise he's not worth it.


Good luck. Keep us updated on how you're doing.


Love PikuLou x

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2010
In reply to: trace2010
Mon, 07-12-2010 - 4:29pm

I think you know what you need to do or else you would not have seeked for answers on how to end it. Really listen to your gut feeling. I ignored it way too many times. You say friendship and you need to verbalize it. I dont think that he has your best interest at heart and if he is a friend or someone who is caring towards you they would not do this to you. They in turn would go NC with you. Guess what that just may happen! Anyway, I am not going to try and convince you on what needs to be done. You know what needs to be done to save you from the pain you will endure in the long run. Such a long sad road to follow. I used to justify is wrong to make my wrong a right! Does that make sense. For example, hes a nice guy; he is having major problems right now, he is only human. You see I was trying to make justifications for my actions. What I did was wrong and I never should have crossed that boundary. We are human and at the time it was probably what I needed. But I dont want to continue to this game of deceit and hurting innocent people. If he was a good person he would try and do the same. So his GF is due next week? He was at your place last night? Ya, he is a very caring person. So do you owe him anything? No not at all. If anything, send a simple text saying I can't do this anymore. Block him after doing so. He needs to work on his issues as there is a new member to their family arriving. You dont want to sit on the bench while he is living his life. I think I have a few good moves on me. I should be out in the field and not benching it Dam it! haha! If you decide on ending this A we are here for you. I dont always have the time to post but I read everyday. I love this board and the support that comes with it.

Hope I didnt sound too judgmental towards him but we have to see things for what they are and stop sugar coating things to make ourselves feel better. I was worried if I stood up for myself he would hate me! Who cares!! I have to take of me and someone has to fend for lil ol' me!!! My XMM finally got treated like he deserves. He never cared about how I felt. How could he? I didnt even care for how I was being treated so why should he? Lessons learned :-)

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
In reply to: trace2010
Mon, 07-12-2010 - 5:38pm

Hi Trace-

People ask this all the time. How do you do it? How do you end it? The answer is very simple. You just do it. If you are tired of feeling so down. If you are tired of being deceptive and duplicitous, then the choice is clear. And yes, it is a choice. You are not stuck, though it may feel like it. You do have a choice. Everyday when you wake up, you have a choice whether you will make the decisions to be happy or not. So what are you going to do? I will tell you that ending an A is hard. That is why this board is here. That is why there are so many resources. But it can be done. It will hurt and you will go through many ups and downs, but the downs on this side of the A, on the road to recovery, are much more tolerable than the downs on the inside of the A. There is a light at the end of the tunnel once you end your A, but you have to be dedicated to it. You have to want with all your heart to recover and get your life back. That's what ending your A will do- it will give you your life back. Do you want it?

Good luck,

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2010
In reply to: trace2010
Mon, 07-12-2010 - 5:56pm

Jane;

you responded to my post a while back and you told me about having the choice. It was so empowering. I broke NC but made the choice to stick to it and be live well.

Great to know that there is always a choice even after several screw-ups.

Sorry for hi-jacking! Just had to mention it!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2010
In reply to: trace2010
Mon, 07-12-2010 - 11:48pm

Thank you sooo much for all of your feedback. I have always been a strong person and I'm tapping into that inner strength. It can be