fantasy with skin on

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
fantasy with skin on
30
Thu, 12-10-2009 - 3:45pm

Hi All,


I was writing a friend who is struggling with feelings of missing xAP and I’ve read here on EAS that so many are struggling with grief that is debilitating in some cases.

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2009
Thu, 12-10-2009 - 4:48pm

Great post, E1 :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2009
Thu, 12-10-2009 - 4:56pm

I completely agree with you that it is not necessarily the man we miss, but what he represented.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Thu, 12-10-2009 - 5:21pm

Thank you for your reply kmg,


<>


IMHO I believe it was because we knew on a certain level that it was fantasy that made it feel safe to pour our feelings into it. Fantasy has no rules and no boundaries which makes it a perfect breeding ground for an A to thrive. No such place exists in RL. Rules and boundaries apply in RL. As a side note, I also believe that this pouring out of feelings that we don’t normally do in RL is also why for those in PA the sex was great.


We did not use intelligence to get

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Thu, 12-10-2009 - 5:55pm

E1,


You're on a roll today! I loved both of your posts. Thanks for sharing this great stuff with our readers. For some reason my brain is

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2009
Thu, 12-10-2009 - 7:43pm

E1 -

That was a great and thoughtful post. It made me think about some things. I have always romanticized my A and that is the biggest struggle I have. My feeling that he was my soul-mate. Honestly I still struggle with that. I know what I did was terribly wrong for so many reasons. I will never justify it and it goes against all of my beliefs.

So why do I still daydream? Why do I think about him every day no matter how hard I try not to? That is the hard part. He didn't ever directly hurt me with words or actions. I do think there were times he wasn't completely truthful, but I don't know for sure and can't prove it. Another hard part for me is he participated fully in the fantasy of it all. He always told me that he would do anything for me. That he would leave his wife and that he wanted a life with me. He made a lot of promises to me. We didn't get far enough for me to be able to call his bluff. It probably doesn't help that a mutual friend (his best friend) found out and said he has never seen him like this.

There are so many reasons why these feelings should go away. I try to remind myself of these things every time I think about him. He is terrible with finances (deeply in debt - mortgages on his house for 50% over what it is worth), he is not a Christian, he has had at least one full blown affair in the past that I know of and I think there have been more, he did not feel guilty about the affair. Those are the things that are my reality check.

So why does he still have a hold on me? There wasn't even any sex involved which lead me to romanticize that part also.

Thankfully there has been no contact at my request. I'm scared to death what would happen if he contacted me because I feel that I'm still weak even after all this time. I'm scared I will never completely get over him.

It has been July since I last saw him in person. Actually that is a whole other story. He gave me 5 hickeys that night. I kind of wonder if he did it on purpose. After I saw them and I freaked out about my life being over as I know it he said you're not ready yet are you? Can you give hickeys and not realize it? So it has been mainly NC since that time. There have been maybe 2 or 3 times we have talked since then but it has been quite a while since we have talked. I've been working very hard at NC.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Thu, 12-10-2009 - 8:18pm

E1-
I live for your posts, truly. They are so helpful.

I am really struggling with the "real" issue. The last time I emailed with my xAP (I broke NC), he - who is in therapy and seems to be doing much better than I - told me to forget him cold turkey, that he "was never real. Just a distraction from my RL problems, and I the same to him." Ok, so I've not been punched in the stomach by a professional boxer, but I have the feeling it would have hurt LESS than hearing this from my xAP. Oh, man. When I put the shoe on the other foot while reading the advice to the ladies to remember that their xAP was not "real", that he wasn't all that they imagined, and that the are really just missing the 'feel goods' and not the actual person --- I want to curl up into the fetal position thinking that my xAP is feeling those things re: ME. oy. ouch. Maybe _this_ is why I'm having such a hard time letting go of the 'realness' of my xAP?

I never fell completely into the trap of believing we had a future together, or that the person I was 'in love' with was someone I knew in a RL situation; but, for the situation we were in, he was (sigh) pretty special. Albeit, a very damaged, immature, selfish and foolish person (um, traits I know well from personal experience, obviously.) I guess I just have to wait a little longer for the fog to lift so that I can admit to myself that I was NOT special, not real, not unique to him. Heck, I was JAW. ha.

Still, I struggle. Even though I want the A to be over, I feel I will miss him always. I feel so (ugh) rejected and humiliated; I never want him to see me again -- not that I don't want to see him again, I just can't imagine lowering myself to it.

This board is my lighthouse. Thank you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2009
Thu, 12-10-2009 - 9:09pm

Damn.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Thu, 12-10-2009 - 9:13pm

Thanks for your encouragement and kind words. They mean more to me than you could know.


If I rock, then you are Queen-of-Rock! You've overcome so much and thank you for continuing to share with all here and taking the helm.


My goodness woman what part of Siberia do you live in?

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Thu, 12-10-2009 - 9:50pm

Hi Luv,


It’s been a while good to hear from you.


<< So why do I still daydream? Why do I think about him every day no matter how hard I try not to?>>


Ok so you know I’m not a professional or anything so I can only throw some ideas out to explore. You have to ask yourself some questions. Do you tend to fixate and obsess over things? (I think that falls under anxiety.) Do you tend to fantasize in general or is it only over xAP? What would happen if you let go of the fantasy? Does it mean that you have to let go of an idea you hold about yourself? Does it mean you have to let go of your escape? Only you hold the answer as to why you do it. You may have to dig deep to find out what it all means.


A good friend many years ago once pointed out that in a book she read, problems were described as rooms. In our house, we have that one room/area/closet that we avoid cleaning. We will eventually get to it but only when we are ready to take it on and deal with it. Problems in our lives are much the same way. When we are ready, we will take it on and solve it.


You will get there. Give yourself time and if you aren’t already in IC it is a great place to have a guide help ask the right questions to point you in the direction to dig for the answers. They are like a treasure map and show you where the X is.


<>


I found out when I broke NC that all my gut feelings about xAP were totally and completely true. I can also tell you that breaking NC was not worth that tidbit of info. The hurt, pain, stalled healing, and set-backs I experienced from breaking NC were not worth it.


<> I’m going to change just a few words in your question and watch how much it changes the question. So why do you ALLOW him to still have a hold on you? No one and no-thing can have a hold on us unless we allow it. Words are powerful. Don’t give your power away. We gave away our power in the A. Time to restructure our thinking and take it back.


<< Can you give hickeys and not realize it?>> Ummm I have to answer a resounding NO on that one.


Big hugs for continuing to search for the whys as you maintain NC,


E1`


Whether you think you can or you think you cant you are probably right.


A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.




Edited 12/10/2009 9:56 pm ET by empowerment1

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Thu, 12-10-2009 - 10:01pm

Hi HH2B,


I always feel like I'm writing a chemical formula when I'm doing the initials to your screen name.


If the post helped you in any way, then I'm very grateful ;) Keep working on finding the "whys". It helps work through the pain.


Much love and big hugs,


E1


Whether you think you can or you think you cant you are probably right.


A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.


Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

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