fantasy with skin on

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
fantasy with skin on
30
Thu, 12-10-2009 - 3:45pm

Hi All,


I was writing a friend who is struggling with feelings of missing xAP and I’ve read here on EAS that so many are struggling with grief that is debilitating in some cases.

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Fri, 12-11-2009 - 3:35pm

Hi Luv,


I read your post and sometimes when we hold things in and start to talk/write about them they tend to pour out. I think it’s always a good thing to give your thoughts a voice especially on paper or a computer screen.


Oh and thanks for your post to Clarity. I’m going to have to cut and paste your suggestion so I remember to try it.

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Fri, 12-11-2009 - 4:34pm

Hi Dee,


Can you believe I was worried after I hit post that you might not get some of my humor and be offended?

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Fri, 12-11-2009 - 10:38pm

Hi Iddy,


Hope you chiseled through the ice and caught a good tail wind to make it home safely.


I’m going to hi-jack my own thread to ask you a question.

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Sat, 12-12-2009 - 9:14am

E1,


<>


You crack me up. If you checked my profile you would see I live in Michigan. It was just one of those fluke days where we were in the middle of a winter blast without the snow. It's been a very strange Fall to say the least. Now tomorrow they are talking almost 40 degrees. That's MI for ya.


<>


Actually, we never talked much about his wife until recently when she had to have a mastectomy.

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Sat, 12-12-2009 - 9:37am

until they get caught. Then the fantasy dissipates with the snap of a finger, which somehow


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Sat, 12-12-2009 - 9:53am

Anytime, Lady. Heck, I'm on my 3rd cup of coffee and my

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2009
Mon, 12-14-2009 - 11:28am

Hello empowerment -

I think I might try to read some books rather than the therapist right now. Maybe in the future, but for some reason I don't feel like I need the therapist and feel like I can work through this on my own. Maybe that is just because I didn't feel like the past person really helped me that much. I'm definitely going to keep it in mind though. I do feel like most of the time I'm doing pretty well. I don't think I have too much anxiety right now and I don't feel depressed. It is just during the difficult times when I come here and create a new thread so I may appear depressed. I go through cycles or have triggers and I think the last one was being at home with the kids stuck in the house for 3 days. Too much time to think! :-)

I am holding onto the fantasy and I do need to find a way to let that go. I think with time it will happen. I think some days it does affect my marriage though because when we have an argument I tend to grasp at that fantasy more and I always compare my husband to my xAP. Which isn't fair because I didn't live day in and day out with xAP. I realize that and I think that is a good step towards moving forward.

My son with Aspergers is in pre-K and is doing very well there. The teacher said that he is doing really, really well. He actually does very well in a school setting because it is more structured. We still struggle some at home. So we are working on that.

I hope everything is going well with you Empowerment. Thank you so much for the offer to email you directly. I really appreciate that and will take you up on your offer. :-)

Take care

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2009
Wed, 12-16-2009 - 12:51am

I have to agree with you Empowerment. My A began on the Internet emailing a total stranger with shared interests and escalated quickly into IMs, webcam and phone calls. Both of us felt neglected by our spouses and just wanted to feel desirable again...not like a piece of furniture in the house...not like a paycheck. It was all about how we made each other feel and not really about who we were as individuals. It easily could have been anyone who typed/said the same words.

That said, I really do miss those feelings and that is very difficult for me. It's been one hell of a month here at home and not just because of the NC with xAP. Some days I'm more hopeful about the future but often I feel as though I've trapped myself in a no-win situation. My M feels more like I live with a brother who I don't always get along with. I know that won't ever change and I've doomed myself to live without love-making for the next 10-20 years. That fact puts me in such a funk sometimes. There are days where I want to contact xAP but I try my best to change my thinking or if I can't I just type an email and save it to drafts and make myself wait at least a day before deciding to press send. So far, I've been pretty good with only a few slip-ups and it gets easier to not even make the draft at all. I also reason with myself in my head to keep on track. I know I have a long way to go and realize this will always be a part of my life. Just need to understand it and learn from it.

Thanks so much for your thoughtful posts, wonderful advice and tickle-my-ribs humor. You and Iddy keep me reading here every day.

ND4MLK

No memory of having starred atones for later disregard, or keeps the end from being hard. - Robert Frost
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
Wed, 12-16-2009 - 1:24am

Hi empowerment,

Your posts are always so uplifting and comforting. I love this one because I have always said this about my xAP For example, I miss his phone calls because I knew he was "there" in the back of my mind, I thought I had someone to fall back on. Even though our R wasn't real, and it was a total fantasy. I thought I was never alone

It is easier for me to move on now because I have met his wife and I see what a "real life" he led with her. And that I could never replace these things for him. They (him and his W) have years and year of history and children between them, and xAP and I have none of that. We just have this fantasy.

I want someone that I can create my own memories and share my life with, not take him away from his home life.

One more thing to add: That 'idea' of him is shattered by the lies I discovered from his W. For example, those phone calls I'd get from him? They represented comfort for me, but now, they are nothing positive to look back on because those phone calls were lies so none of those calls mean anything to me now.

NC since Dec. 9th 2009

No Contact = No N

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2009
Thu, 12-17-2009 - 2:59pm

Love it and I will read this post till i am Blue in the face LOL. It is my wishful thinking and the wanting so bad to have my "fantasy with skin on" thing is I think I have it and I dont turn to it. Such us family and friends. Oh the things I take for granted.

Thank you for sharing

Time heals all wounds, unless you pick at them. --Shawn Alexander

Pages