Fantasy vs reality
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Fantasy vs reality
| Thu, 10-21-2004 - 12:51am |
I was just reading a post from true and another one from womaninthewoods and I realized how many of you think we are living in a fantasy world. The period during which we are involved in EMA is *very, very* real. This is our life the way we are living it and all the decisions we make during that period become a part of who we will become. Each decision made whether it is right or wrong is major and affects our future. I divorced my husband of 27 years while in my A and although I don't regret it, I know that had I not been involved with my OM I would still be married. Because of the real, strong emotional relationship I had with this man, I changed and my feelings about sex, intimacy, love, communication, trust, and everything I value was changed in some way. I am no longer the person I was 5 1/2 years ago and this is very, very real. There is no fantasy. The life I shared with my OM, although it was only a few hours a week, was my life. Do you know what I am trying to say?
This relationship was very real to me and I truly believe it was real to him. Yes, he denied how long the affair went on, but deep inside, he knows and he cannot deny to himself how involved he was. He has changed also and his marriage will never be what it was. There is no fantasy in that.
I know that many of you are still married and even more of you have very short affairs and realize right away how destructive this behavior is. I agree. It is wrong to have an affair. But for some of us, they are very real and very lasting and they have changed our entire lives.
Take care all!
maria
This relationship was very real to me and I truly believe it was real to him. Yes, he denied how long the affair went on, but deep inside, he knows and he cannot deny to himself how involved he was. He has changed also and his marriage will never be what it was. There is no fantasy in that.
I know that many of you are still married and even more of you have very short affairs and realize right away how destructive this behavior is. I agree. It is wrong to have an affair. But for some of us, they are very real and very lasting and they have changed our entire lives.
Take care all!
maria

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Dear Maria,
I know oh so much how "real" my relationship with the OMM has been for the last 6...count them SIX years has been. MY love for him has been so strong that I have forsaken my family for this man, I have lost sleep, I have gone into depression, my children have not had their "real mom" for quite some time.....yada yada yada. I think the point is....although the "relationship" is very real, the expectations of what will become of these realationships are extreemly unrealistic. I don't know how many millions of times I have asked myself "WHY"? Why do I stay in an emotional and phsical relationship with a man that I know will never as much as WANT to leave his life to be with me. The answer...while his wife satisfies all his "creature comfort" needs, I have (in the past) satisfied all his pysical needs...and I liked it.
Does the fact that he feels more comfortabel living out his fantasies with me more than he does with his wife make it real? I think not.
Sure, the fact that it happened made it "real" but it certainly was not "real" love. That is a fact anyway you slice it.
Take good care.
Hi imaria - is this support for my own views or not ? ;-) Anyway, I guess you'll have some answers from the "affairs-CAN-be-nothing-but-fantasy"-group...
Yes, I feel this IS one of the most difficult points. Is it easier to get closure by seeing the affair as fantasy/a thoroughly bad thing? Or, if you really DID battle with your own views, that of the man and all the betrayal/lies-issues involved, is it better to acknowledge the good times you did feel then - as well as realise the points where you cheated yourself, and go from there?
Wherever the real truth lies, however inappropriately we fill a void in our own life with another person - sometimes this is a person who does change your views/life etc, like you wrote. Sometimes for worse, but sometimes also for the better.
The crux in the latter cases, I find, lies in the difficulty of having to let go of a person who might have made a good partner for you, had the circumstances been different. No, I don't BLAME circumstances for my own mistake. I'm saying there always will be people out there who "fit us" just right in important points/at certain times, and who really can be soulmates/friends -- and sometimes, unfortunately, these people will be married/long-term-partnered men/women. And as long as there has been passion in human beings, there have been affairs.
Love is not only a many-splendered thing, but also a many-faceted one, it can be as deceiving as it can be true. Sometimes we can define which kind it is after a few weeks, sometimes after 20 years. I feel, whether any attachment is wrong can not always be defined by the betrayal/lies involved.
Yes, affairs are wrong, and most of us have strong guilt-issues about them. And yes, we are responsible for our acts and negligences. But, like all mistakes/errings in life, affairs also give us new insight into ourselves, new experiences, new angles to our lives, maybe a point of catharsis.
How we deal with those, how we work through them, use them and what we gain/lose from them, is entirely up to us. I think this is what this board is all about. How to survive, integrate the experience in your life, maybe learn from it. To acknowledge the REAL validity of what we did, be it great or non-existent.And then, get closure and move on.
I feel, as long as we are just generally demonizing all affairs and putting them in the fantasy-drawer (I'm not disputing the fact that some affairs DO belong there), we're making it too easy on ourselves.
Thank you for your post, and all the best for you,
M.
I couldn't agree more!!! Everything you said is exactly how I feel. I am going through a divorce right now and I didn't leave my X for the OM but the help and confidence booster the OM gave me helped me get out of a terrible situation. Till the day I die this affair will always be with me...that is real!! One thing when the A started my OMM asked was to be "real". And I still to this day question his realness, and he does get upset when I do. And says everything he said to me was real, we just at the time didn't know the consequences and how bad our A could really, really hurt people, kids and all.
Above all this pain I am experiencing letting go is in the end going to make me strong. And hopefully I can learn to be happy by myself and learn confidence and self esteem without someone giving it to me. I am learning a lot about myself who I am and what I need in life! And the pain I feel is no fantasy, it's as real hurt as it gets!! Funny I never once felt this bad about leaving my x after 12 years?? Maybe that miserable marriage was a horrible fantasy and nothing really real!!
I am not going to get too into this discussion, as there are myriads of books and articles on this subject... But no one is claiming that by saying an A is based on fantasy that it didn't happen, that it wasn't a real event, that it couldn't have impacted your life forever, that you didn't have real feelings for the A partner.
But a few hours a week is NOT life!!! It is a teeny, tiny slice of life. What about the rest of it??? If the REST of life isn't part of your relationship, you are not quite experiencing that relationship in reality. An A is an INSULATED reality, free from all the mundanity of sharing a real day-in-day-out, for-better-for-worse life, therefore what some would call fantasy.
Thanks all for your replies.
To womaninthewoods; I appreciate your thoughts and agree that we grow and learn from the experience of an A. I think I am a better person now because of what I learned about people and circumstances.
To startingover; I felt exactly the same when I left my husband. I did not feel any pain or heartache. I was sad that my family was breaking up and my kids would have to adjust. I was terribly upset to have to sell my beautiful home that I had created for 18 years with love and hard work. But as far as my X, I didn't feel much at all. I now realize how very different we are and how we got along all those years by talking little and concentrating all our lives on our children.
I am not trying to say that A are "real" life situations. Of course when you live with someone you learn all their faults and bad habits, etc. But the A becomes a huge part of your daily life and how you act and react to all situations. I tried at times during my A to meet someone new, to go out with friends and have fun and now I realize my heart was never in it. I can now look back and see that I didn't want to meet anyone else, and I'm not sure I am ready for a new relationship even now.
The most positive thing to come out of all this is that I really know myself for the first time in 40 years and I am happy with who I am. I have learned all my shortcomings, my strengths and can now honestly say I like the person I am.
Some day I may have an honest, loving relationship with a man. Who knows? I will trust in God as he has really helped me get through this drama.
Have a great day everyone and stay sane.
maria
If folding laundry was still exciting, believe me, you hadn't made it out of the fantasy stage of the relationship yet. ;-) I feel like I have been picking on you a little bit today, Bear, I'm sorry, don't mean to... Can you share your story? Why are you not with the OW now?
CL-NoRegretsEver did have a happy ending to his A story, ended up with his OW, but only after a long period of No Contact with her and a struggle to fix and then finally end his M. He checks in here periodically, maybe he will give you his story.
Since the odds of a "normal" relationship having a happy ending aren't high, I can only imagine what the odds are for an A having an happy ending...
And I guess by happy ending you mean for the A partners...I doubt if they end up together their ex-spouses, children and families are all that thrilled.
Not a judgment, but the baggage that comes with hooking up with you A partner is significant...at first I thought I could've dealt w/it w/regards my exMM...but now I wonder, what the HECK was I thinking?
there are some that have posted on this board. I know that I will have a happy ending
with or without OM. I think that if the children/wives/husbands of people in A want what is best for those involved in the A, then they will be happy for them also. Bitterness is ugly.
maria
Thanks Katie for passing on my storyline. Bear, you can read about my transition from affair to marriage with the last xOW in the archives.
Katie's synopsis about my experience is on point. By the time I left the marriage it was O.V.E.R. and I wasn't sitting on a fence any longer about it.
Bear, the worst place to be is sitting on the fence. As both of the women in your life have asked, get a spine, make a choice and a commitment to see it through and then get moving. Until then you're on the outside lokking in or worse yet sitting there watching life go by. It is painful at first, yet having lived through it, my only wish is that I had done it 15 years earlier.......
Good luck,
cl-nre
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