"Fantasy" vs "Reality"

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
"Fantasy" vs "Reality"
18
Sun, 09-12-2004 - 9:24am
I thought I would put *stuff* into perspective for all of you who still teeter-totter emotionally...

The Fantasy:

He was the best lover I ever had. The sex was mind-blowing. I have never felt more connected to anyone like this before. He made me feel special and good about myself.

The Reality:

Being the best lover was his *ego-boosting* goal because he felt neglected at home. What did he have to lose pulling out all of the stops when he was with you? You were his play toy, his fantasy girl, his sexual experiment. You better like sex or in time you will be replaced. Of course he made you feel special. He wants something from you, WHEN it's convenient for him, of course..

The Fantasy:

I know he cares about me because he sends me emails and IM's and calls (when he can).

The Reality:

You sit in front of your computer/or by the phone waiting and wondering and growing more frustrated by the moment that he is not responding, that he is ignoring you, that he is too busy for you. You get angry and start pouting, start over-analyzing everything he said to you last, struggle to fill in the holes of that conversation, wonder what is he REALLY doing right now, racking your brain whether it was something you said, or didn't say or do, or "Does he still want me???"

The Fantasy:

My wife and I haven't had sex in months, years, etc. We are not happy. YOU fill that void that I have in my marriage.

The Reality:

Sex or no sex,(and if you believe he's not getting any at home, you're a fool). WHO does he go home to every night? Who's bed does he share? Who gets him 24/7 minus the hour or two he sneaks off to be with you? There is NOTHING wrong with his marriage. The problem lies within *HIM* And lucky you gets to be the accomplice in helping him hide the evidence of his denials. *YOU* make him forget his shortcommings, because stroking one's EGO (among other things) makes the bad stuff go away. How obliging of you...

The Fantasy:

I cannot give him up. He makes me feel alive. We are going to be together on Friday, and I can't wait to be in his arms.

The Reality:

He was never *YOURS* to give up. He is silently killing you by stripping you of your decency and dignity and "OH, about Friday?" Well, he just left you an EMAIL that said, "Sorry, something came up. Rain check?" (that's if he even remembers he had made plans to see you.)

The Fantasy:

He is my best friend. He is the most wonderful man I have ever known.

The Reality:

He is your worst enemy. He has shown you how easy it is to lie, cheat, betray and master the "Art of Manipulation." And this is a wonderful man?

~True~


Edited 9/12/2004 10:57 am ET ET by b_true_2_yourself

 

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Sun, 09-12-2004 - 11:10am
Absolutely fantastic train of thought here, True. Very theopudic.

Let's see, I think I can add to this without much trouble.

Fantasy: "I just don't know what I would do without you in my life."

Reality: He seems to do quite well. Going on trips with his W, taking her to first rate shows and plays, Etc. And he doesn't seem to have lost the 20 or 25 pouds I have stressing over the A and he doesn't seem to have too many sleepless nights as I seem to.

Fantasy: "We would have so much fun if we could go to Europe, New York, Jamaka. You'd be more fun than my W.

Reality: Yeah, right. We're lucky to even have long lunch hours together and he doesn't seem to even go to too much trouble about that.

Okay, anyone else. This is a good way to vent, I'm thinking.

Thanks. And most of your fantasy-verses-realities sure hit home with me. I'm saving this one.

Thanks again.

IP

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
Sun, 09-12-2004 - 12:03pm
<<<>>>

Hah! I was hoping the first person to respond would follow suit. You didn't let me down, IP. GMTA!!!!

Congrats on your progress!

~True~

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Sun, 09-12-2004 - 1:20pm
Fantasy: We can go back to being friends - he PROMISED me that it was the most important part of our relationship. He says can leave the sex behind if that is what I need - but he will always be my friend.

Reality: He wants to keep his foot in the door for sex. He thinks if he can keep me close then he can work his way back into my bed. He isn't the one who felt guilty and wanted to stop! If he truly cared he wouldn't have left me hanging so many times and he would have been consistant - like a TRUE friend would.

Fantasy: I want to be his friend. I can give up the sexual attention for our old conversations.

Reality: I don't want to give up MY ego boosts from him - even though I should know I don't really need them! Our old conversations were full of ineuendos and flirtations. He isn't really all that interesting and not nearly as insightful as one of my girlfriends! Just a whole lot more flattering and thrilling.

TOUGH to admit but oh so true. This helps!

I'm looking forward to more!

-lazy



iVillage Member
Registered: 06-21-2004
Sun, 09-12-2004 - 3:28pm

Reality: He wants to keep his foot in the door for sex. He thinks if he can keep me close then he can work his way back into my bed. He isn't the one who felt guilty and wanted to stop! If he truly cared he wouldn't have left me hanging so many times and he would have been consistant - like a TRUE friend would. >

I laugh at this one because for me the shoe is on the other foot. He was the one overcome with guilt ( mainly I wasn't since my H and I were seperated at the time )and put an end to things. I keep up with the "friendship" part because I secretly hope for another chance to be with him physically. So, I have to remind myself every time I'm tempted to call him that its better for him to end it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Sun, 09-12-2004 - 4:03pm
Awesome post...totally hits home.

Fantasy: "I think we have something really special between us."

Reality: "I love that you let me use your body whenever it's convenient to me...and I don't even have to offer you any committment or give anything up. I mean, even though you tell me you feel used afterwards when I keep my distance, you always take me back in whenever I need a fix. Thanks! That really IS special!"

Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2004
Sun, 09-12-2004 - 5:13pm
Fantasy: We will both get the pleasure and not have to worry about the committment.

Reality: No committment except for that emotional one you will create as I treat you like a queen and make you feel like the most beautiful, wonderful, sexy woman alive.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
Sun, 09-12-2004 - 6:59pm
<<<"I love that you let me use your body whenever it's convenient to me...and I don't even have to offer you any committment or give anything up.>>>>

Hah! I loved this one. OH how I remember those good old being used feelings. Thanks for the reminder.....

Hugs,

~True~

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Sun, 09-12-2004 - 9:33pm
Wow!! These are all great.

It's sad to say, but it's kind of a comfort to know that my XMM was not the only man who was so full of well, let's be nice and say full of crap.

Take care everyone and have a good upcoming week and stay strong.

IP
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2004
Sun, 09-12-2004 - 11:31pm
True-

I've been lurking here for months and I'm coming out of hiding to respond to this post. The tears will not stop flowing, because in my mind I know all this is true in my situation as well. I'm really wanting to print these posts out and give them to MM just to see his reaction..

Thanks for the "reality"

Sen

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2004
Mon, 09-13-2004 - 1:12am
Fantasy: He says, just as you're going past the point of no return, "Our friendship is the most important thing. If you ever feel uncomfortable and want to stop, just say so, because your friendship is so important to me."

Reality: A few months later, he makes plans to be with you, and never shows up. Never calls. The next day he's got a great excuse, but seems taken back that you would be so bent out of shape that this happened. Then he does it again, and again, and again. Plus he's so worried that his wife will catch on, that starts treating you like you don't exist when you're in the same room together. Since he doesn't pay attention to you, you feel dismissed, and suddenly your friendship has all but disappeared because you resent the way he treats you...all because of some great, tremendously damaging, sex.

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