"Fantasy" vs "Reality"
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| Sun, 09-12-2004 - 9:24am |
The Fantasy:
He was the best lover I ever had. The sex was mind-blowing. I have never felt more connected to anyone like this before. He made me feel special and good about myself.
The Reality:
Being the best lover was his *ego-boosting* goal because he felt neglected at home. What did he have to lose pulling out all of the stops when he was with you? You were his play toy, his fantasy girl, his sexual experiment. You better like sex or in time you will be replaced. Of course he made you feel special. He wants something from you, WHEN it's convenient for him, of course..
The Fantasy:
I know he cares about me because he sends me emails and IM's and calls (when he can).
The Reality:
You sit in front of your computer/or by the phone waiting and wondering and growing more frustrated by the moment that he is not responding, that he is ignoring you, that he is too busy for you. You get angry and start pouting, start over-analyzing everything he said to you last, struggle to fill in the holes of that conversation, wonder what is he REALLY doing right now, racking your brain whether it was something you said, or didn't say or do, or "Does he still want me???"
The Fantasy:
My wife and I haven't had sex in months, years, etc. We are not happy. YOU fill that void that I have in my marriage.
The Reality:
Sex or no sex,(and if you believe he's not getting any at home, you're a fool). WHO does he go home to every night? Who's bed does he share? Who gets him 24/7 minus the hour or two he sneaks off to be with you? There is NOTHING wrong with his marriage. The problem lies within *HIM* And lucky you gets to be the accomplice in helping him hide the evidence of his denials. *YOU* make him forget his shortcommings, because stroking one's EGO (among other things) makes the bad stuff go away. How obliging of you...
The Fantasy:
I cannot give him up. He makes me feel alive. We are going to be together on Friday, and I can't wait to be in his arms.
The Reality:
He was never *YOURS* to give up. He is silently killing you by stripping you of your decency and dignity and "OH, about Friday?" Well, he just left you an EMAIL that said, "Sorry, something came up. Rain check?" (that's if he even remembers he had made plans to see you.)
The Fantasy:
He is my best friend. He is the most wonderful man I have ever known.
The Reality:
He is your worst enemy. He has shown you how easy it is to lie, cheat, betray and master the "Art of Manipulation." And this is a wonderful man?
~True~
Edited 9/12/2004 10:57 am ET ET by b_true_2_yourself

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You could spoon feed it to him over candle light and he still won't "GET" it. These men are in such denial. YOU are the one who has to stop the madness. MMs usually don't put on the skids until they are discovered. THEN, you amazingly disappear.
Good luck in your search for your answers,
~True~
Good posts, all of them, and really helpful - but sorry I have to be a spoilsport here in one respect:
Sex seen as simply the act (and one CAN do that, it's legitimate), the affair and I did have mindblowing sessions. I now have good sex with my H, and I've had good sex with other lovers before marriage, but sex with the affair was the best I ever had. I was 43 (as was he), and have a lot of experience in that field (as had he), so we could both judge well. We were both excellent lovers and we exercised our faculties always looking at the other's pleasure and comfort.
If his partner had not been bodily handicapped after an operation and therefore (understandably) not often inclined to have sex, he would have been (as he HAD been, before she became unable) the same caring, passionate lover he was for me. And maybe the two of us would never have happened. We talked about the subject often.
It was not one-sided: We boosted our egos respectively, we were each other's playtoy/sexual phantasy and experiment. We made each other feel special - well, that's what you DO if you have good sex, isn't it? Our being replaced (respectively) was never a question of sex.
If he had just felt neglected in that respect at home (I'm not saying he wasn't, amongst other things), he could have chosen far, far easier, much less complicated relief-methods than me - I was 2 car-hours away (not convenient, during the week he drove to me and left at 5 in the morning for his demanding job, he + his partner only saw each other at weekends, they didn't live together), always stressy and discussing much.
I will say, though, that of course my (however misguided) feelings for this man contributed to these sexual experiences. On the other hand, our bodies just fit - same as I fit with other men/bodies - just better. It does not excuse or rectify the affair, but bodily, it was an eye-opener for me and I learnt a lot from sex with this man, which I can (and do) integrate into my current sex-life.
I'm glad I had the chance for this sexual experience. And I also wish the affair had never happened. Living with the paradox - don't we all have one left from our affairs?
The hard part, of course, was to learn to do without his body - but MUCH, MUCH harder than that was to learn to live without his brain.
Just want to say, affairs + "the real life" can't always be seen as strictly separated Black and White, as much as we all want/need to see them like that. There are Gray, hazy zones, and wishing them away or bashing them down for a however desperately needed clearer view will not make them non-existent.
Wishing all here well and much strength in their battles,
M.
M.
bump up just means the thread gets moved higher in the threads. The older threads - ones not posted to - go down the line and soon out of sight unless kept active.
lust
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