Fantasy vs reality

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Fantasy vs reality
15
Thu, 10-21-2004 - 12:51am
I was just reading a post from true and another one from womaninthewoods and I realized how many of you think we are living in a fantasy world. The period during which we are involved in EMA is *very, very* real. This is our life the way we are living it and all the decisions we make during that period become a part of who we will become. Each decision made whether it is right or wrong is major and affects our future. I divorced my husband of 27 years while in my A and although I don't regret it, I know that had I not been involved with my OM I would still be married. Because of the real, strong emotional relationship I had with this man, I changed and my feelings about sex, intimacy, love, communication, trust, and everything I value was changed in some way. I am no longer the person I was 5 1/2 years ago and this is very, very real. There is no fantasy. The life I shared with my OM, although it was only a few hours a week, was my life. Do you know what I am trying to say?
This relationship was very real to me and I truly believe it was real to him. Yes, he denied how long the affair went on, but deep inside, he knows and he cannot deny to himself how involved he was. He has changed also and his marriage will never be what it was. There is no fantasy in that.
I know that many of you are still married and even more of you have very short affairs and realize right away how destructive this behavior is. I agree. It is wrong to have an affair. But for some of us, they are very real and very lasting and they have changed our entire lives.
Take care all!
maria

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 10-21-2004 - 11:53pm

Yes, Maria there are happy endings. I know, because I'm living it.


So can you and everyone else on this board.


Do not settle for anything less than a completely above board relationship with a partner dedicated to open two-way communication and problem solving.......


cl-nre

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2004
Fri, 10-22-2004 - 9:43am
Your right about the laundry. That would have got old. I posted my story "lost and confused" earlier this month. Thumbnail- married for 13 years to my HS sweetheart with 2 young children. last 2 yrs of marriage were not good. I stayed with the w because of the kids and financial security. I had an affair last year with a former co worker that was also having marital problems and has since divorced. We fell madly and love and you all know how it goes from there. I stumbled on this board while looking up some information my counselor asked me to find about divorce. I thought what the heck. THe good thing about it is- instead of typing e-mails to the ow I am typing here. I am still communicating with the ow but we are not together as we were. Matter of fact as I am typing this the ow has just e-mailed me asking to see me tonight. I have a hard time saying no. Especially when I feel we will likely be back together. THe reason I'm not with the ow is because I started listening to all the people in my life including my counselor telling me my relationship with the ow would never work. I got scared it would fail and I would be alone. THat is a whole issue in itself which I am seeking help for. I didn't want ot give up my kids 1/2 the time, 1/2 my pay check to child support and alimony, my house and my comfort to be alone. Ow and I both have insecurity about the other person's ex. My w wants to reconcile and ow knows that. Ow ex comes around more than I like. I suspect she lets him in case she needs a fall back plan. I am going to couples counseling with w to work on our relationship so if we do conclude our divorce we can still co parent and be decent to each other. I'm not divorced yet but the papers are filed. IT is painful as hell to be on the fence. My life has really taken a huge nose dive since my affair started. As you will read in my previous postings I have since lost my job as a result of my affair. Most of the advice I get from people is to just get divorced and be alone. I struggle with that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Fri, 10-22-2004 - 12:14pm

Hi Bear, thanks for re-posting your story, I wasn't around much earlier this month so I may have missed it... Now I can see where you're coming from. I was confused because I assumed your divorce was final.

So in a nutshell, you now need to pick once and for all which side of the fencepost you're going to land on. And your fear of being alone may be clouding your judgment. Objective outsiders seem to see that the OW is not right for you, for whatever reasons. You are doing couples counseling and you seem willing to work on your marriage to some degree.

My only advice right now is, if you're going to do the couples counseling thing, you've got to give it your ALL, so at least you'll know you gave it your best shot. And giving it your all means you have to completely CUT THE OW OUT OF YOUR LIFE. It's the only way you can work on your relationship with your wife with any degree of integrity. Ultimately, things will work out the way they are meant to be. But you have to decide to get your butt off the fence before you can have any hope of moving on from this painful place you have put yourself in!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2004
Fri, 10-22-2004 - 12:25pm
thanks for the advice. Another reason I'm on the fence is because I fear I won't be able to make things work with the w. I will be working in the same office as the ow in the near future. I try to cut her out but I can't seem to let go. Everytime I try-- I break the NC rule or she does. We both know we can't work together and get over each other. I recently got fired from my job due to the affects my affair had on my work performance. My former employer has offered me a job. I need the job. IF I choose the ow my w said she will limit my time with the kids. I can't handle that. I am hoping couples counseling may help me in that regard. Maybe the w will soften a bit on that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Fri, 10-22-2004 - 1:23pm

Okay, now I do seem to recall your story about maybe having to go back to work with the OW... As an outsider looking in, all I can say is from everything you have said -- your relationship with this OW sounds *extremely* unhealthy!!!!! I mean, most affairs are unhealthy to some degree, but yours has led to you losing your job; you've admitted to obsessive, almost stalkerish, behavior regarding her; you are now risking your KIDS for her... This is some serious dysfunction going on!!! I am so glad to hear you are in counseling.

You're right, things may or may not work out with your wife if you choose to stay with her; there are no guarantees in life or love. But it sounds like rather than trying to be strong enough to take that risk, you've already given up on the marriage working and you are only going through the motions to try to make the custody hearings go smoother. Again, there are no guarantees that that will work, either; your wife may mean what she says about limiting your contact with the kids if you leave her for the OW, and who could blame her? So, are you really willing to risk losing your kids for this person who appears to be mostly an unhealthy addiction?

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