Fantasy vs reality
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Fantasy vs reality
| Thu, 10-21-2004 - 12:51am |
I was just reading a post from true and another one from womaninthewoods and I realized how many of you think we are living in a fantasy world. The period during which we are involved in EMA is *very, very* real. This is our life the way we are living it and all the decisions we make during that period become a part of who we will become. Each decision made whether it is right or wrong is major and affects our future. I divorced my husband of 27 years while in my A and although I don't regret it, I know that had I not been involved with my OM I would still be married. Because of the real, strong emotional relationship I had with this man, I changed and my feelings about sex, intimacy, love, communication, trust, and everything I value was changed in some way. I am no longer the person I was 5 1/2 years ago and this is very, very real. There is no fantasy. The life I shared with my OM, although it was only a few hours a week, was my life. Do you know what I am trying to say?
This relationship was very real to me and I truly believe it was real to him. Yes, he denied how long the affair went on, but deep inside, he knows and he cannot deny to himself how involved he was. He has changed also and his marriage will never be what it was. There is no fantasy in that.
I know that many of you are still married and even more of you have very short affairs and realize right away how destructive this behavior is. I agree. It is wrong to have an affair. But for some of us, they are very real and very lasting and they have changed our entire lives.
Take care all!
maria
This relationship was very real to me and I truly believe it was real to him. Yes, he denied how long the affair went on, but deep inside, he knows and he cannot deny to himself how involved he was. He has changed also and his marriage will never be what it was. There is no fantasy in that.
I know that many of you are still married and even more of you have very short affairs and realize right away how destructive this behavior is. I agree. It is wrong to have an affair. But for some of us, they are very real and very lasting and they have changed our entire lives.
Take care all!
maria

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Yes, Maria there are happy endings. I know, because I'm living it.
So can you and everyone else on this board.
Do not settle for anything less than a completely above board relationship with a partner dedicated to open two-way communication and problem solving.......
cl-nre
Hi Bear, thanks for re-posting your story, I wasn't around much earlier this month so I may have missed it... Now I can see where you're coming from. I was confused because I assumed your divorce was final.
So in a nutshell, you now need to pick once and for all which side of the fencepost you're going to land on. And your fear of being alone may be clouding your judgment. Objective outsiders seem to see that the OW is not right for you, for whatever reasons. You are doing couples counseling and you seem willing to work on your marriage to some degree.
My only advice right now is, if you're going to do the couples counseling thing, you've got to give it your ALL, so at least you'll know you gave it your best shot. And giving it your all means you have to completely CUT THE OW OUT OF YOUR LIFE. It's the only way you can work on your relationship with your wife with any degree of integrity. Ultimately, things will work out the way they are meant to be. But you have to decide to get your butt off the fence before you can have any hope of moving on from this painful place you have put yourself in!!
Okay, now I do seem to recall your story about maybe having to go back to work with the OW... As an outsider looking in, all I can say is from everything you have said -- your relationship with this OW sounds *extremely* unhealthy!!!!! I mean, most affairs are unhealthy to some degree, but yours has led to you losing your job; you've admitted to obsessive, almost stalkerish, behavior regarding her; you are now risking your KIDS for her... This is some serious dysfunction going on!!! I am so glad to hear you are in counseling.
You're right, things may or may not work out with your wife if you choose to stay with her; there are no guarantees in life or love. But it sounds like rather than trying to be strong enough to take that risk, you've already given up on the marriage working and you are only going through the motions to try to make the custody hearings go smoother. Again, there are no guarantees that that will work, either; your wife may mean what she says about limiting your contact with the kids if you leave her for the OW, and who could blame her? So, are you really willing to risk losing your kids for this person who appears to be mostly an unhealthy addiction?
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