Farewell

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
Farewell
3
Mon, 01-03-2005 - 10:23am

Hello, everyone. Or I guess this is goodbye for now. Thank you all of you for everything, for all the support. I need to not be on this board for a while. My husband got into my email account this weekend and read a message from someone on this board telling me she was sorry our anniversary was bad and wishing me strength dealing with xOM, and we had a very big fight...fortunately, we were able to talk about the things that are wrong with our marriage...probably the first real conversation we have had about the issues between us that led to this...except that I did not admit to the A, but I think he knows but also knows it is over and believes me when I tell him there is no one else. I know, sounds like a contradiction to say that we had a "real" conversation without admitting to the A...it's just that I know for a fact that if I said the words to him aloud, our marriage would be over or at least damaged severely, perhaps mortally. The irony here is that after all the agonizing, the sudden, very real possibility that I could lose my husband and my close relationship with my daughter made everything else seem insignificant. It gave me a whole new understanding of what was really important here. In fact, the horrible pain I felt at the prospect of losing him was suprising to me after all the anger I have harbored against him for so long. And believe me, there was no holding back the tears as I was able to do with xOM. It was like a flood that wouldn't stop, and I think it shocked us both. There had been so few displays of real emotion between us.

Now, it is my fear for losing my family that motivates me not to write here any more. If he were to discover this board, it would hurt him beyond repair. I love my husband and our life together. I think we both realize that we have to value this and be committed to it fully if we are to truly know the happiness of marriage. This weekend, we talked more and spent more time together than we have in years. I know I am rambling, and I realize that it could still blow up in my face, but I am going to focus 100 percent on my marriage. That means I cannot think about xOM and dealing with all that. I did send him a message...very cold and blunt and said that he should get rid of any emails, photos, anything that reminds him of me (he told me he kept everything...even a lock of my hair). I told him that he should "delete me from memory" if things are to ever be appropriate and normal again. I saw him in passing afterward, and he was very pale and sweaty (although it could be related to his illness, for which he has surgery today), but he was kind. It's over. Done. That book is not only shut, but I have burned it. Now, on with the new chapters of my life...and it feels so good...even with a few butterflies of fear in my stomach. Good luck to all of you, and God bless you. You all have been my sanity, my compass when I was lost. I probably will not even be able to check any responses. So this is my last goodbye for now. Take care, all of you.

Newsgal

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
In reply to: newsgal524
Mon, 01-03-2005 - 11:50am

Gal

GOOD LUCK AND GODS SPEED

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
In reply to: newsgal524
Mon, 01-03-2005 - 3:42pm

Hey Newsgal -

I was actually going to post to you today and see how you were doing!

While I am sorry to hear about what happened, I hope this will be for the best for you and you will be able to move on w/H and heal and have a very happy and wonderful life together.

I had a similar thing happen while in the midst of my A (H found an email xOM had wirtten me, and we had a huge blowout at 3am!). Anyway, H and I had a long talk and sorted through alot of pent up feelings and emotions. I think we both realized alot that night. I only wish I had walked away from my A then.

I wish you love and happiness...and stay away from that eggnog!

Luv,
Diva

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2005
In reply to: newsgal524
Mon, 01-03-2005 - 11:43pm

Formerly known as UnhappyGirl 2004 or UHG