Fate?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2009
Fate?
7
Thu, 02-18-2010 - 8:17am
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Thu, 02-18-2010 - 8:26am
IMHO and as a relative newbie to endings, I think you answered your own question. You are NOT leaving your husband and that means there is NO room for your AP in your life. If he wants to leave his W, that's his prerogative, but since you have no intention of leaving your H, it has to be over between you and him. You can't have both, as you know so well.
Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2010
Thu, 02-18-2010 - 9:03am

Hi AiW

OMG that is one hell of a guilt trip to land on someone during a chance meeting at a drug store..... that is cruel and smacks of desparation to me.
You do say quite clearly that you love your husband and do not want to leave him......if you are bing honest with yourself..... keep telling yourself that and dont let the fog cloud your judgement

At the start of my A we both stated categorically that no one was leaving their SOs... then lo and behold about 3 months in it turns out xAP (9 days and counting!!!) admits to having seen a lawyer a year or so prior and that he is holding out till both children leave school.... (3 years)..... i was still fog free and adamant i was not leaving DH... as time went on my resolve started to waiver (fog), as as soon as i waivered ......bam he had an epiphany..... my responsibilities to my children have grown...i need space blah blah....

Your xAP only wants you all the more because you are making it clear he cant have you and he is getting more and more desparate and will make wilder suggestions to try and keep you... i admire what you have acheived so far......stick tp your resolve....

Focus on your H.... 20years + must count for something (80/20 rule).....put your H and children first and then when you are 70 you can ride on your gofer side by side with hubbie and hold hands and look back at all you acheived and have no regrets....
JMHO
Good luck.....

Life is too Short ... A. since Mar 29th 2009

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2009
Thu, 02-18-2010 - 9:24am

Good Morning~


Well I have a news flash for you my dear....


"It seems so real"


ITS NOT!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2009
Thu, 02-18-2010 - 10:04am

Alice -


Let me tell you a little story about a girl we'll call "Gal" and her 8 year on again, off again A.

NC since October 2, 2009.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2009
Thu, 02-18-2010 - 10:22am

Hi Alice,

If someone is even going to consider leaving their marriage they should do it for themselves alone. No one should leave their marriage for their AP. That is one thing I constantly had to remind myself. Was my marriage so terrible that I would rather be alone? Because no matter what your AP says you cannot guarantee that he will do what he says he will do. My xAP said very similar things to me as what yours is saying. He told me that I will never be alone and he would divorce his wife within the year to be with me and so on, but I never saw any actions corroborating what he was saying. His main issues with leaving were financial. However, he was still making large purchases and spending a lot of money. He would start new long-term house projects and so forth. His actions showed me that he didn't really have any intention of leaving. Actions speak louder than words.

Anyway, it does sound like your xAP has feelings for you, but you did say you love your husband and you wouldn't leave him. If that is the case you owe it to yourself and to your xAP and both families to continue steadfastly down the path of NC.

Take care

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2009
Thu, 02-18-2010 - 11:01am

Hey. I rarely post, but had to respond to that, because I was thrown the same bait and swallowed it and regretted it terribly, so speaking from experience here.

Your xAP is as addicted to your affair as you are. He's going through the same withdrawals and will do anything to get his fix back. He'll tell you anything just to get you back where he wants you. I know you don't want to believe it, you think you know him and he is not like all those scumbags we talk about.

But that's what my xAP did to me. I ended an A last year, we've been apart for 4 or 5 months, in LC (coworkers). He was trying to restart is many times, I would resist him - hated all about it. I was getting over him and actually doing great. And finally he came to me and said he'll leave his wife and will do whatever I want him to do, he loves me and can't imagine his life without me. IT SEEMED SO REAL. And never before he'd said anything like that. And he is in good position to leave - kids grown, no financial issues etc.

And naive fool as I am, I believed him...and guess what, ended up in affair again, and invited all this misery back into my life. My own advice to myself would be - wait to see if he'll put any actions behind his words. My advice to you - if you're not even considering leaving your husband, then forget all about it and save yourself from more heartache. You just don't need all this drama.

**Bloodied but unbowed**
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2009
Thu, 02-18-2010 - 12:32pm

Gal~


REALITY!!!!


What a great post!