fate takes a hand

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
fate takes a hand
8
Thu, 08-05-2004 - 10:02pm
Since I last posted earlier in this week, my H and I have received unexpected news. My H has been diagnosed with a medical problem which although treatable, is one which will worsen through the years and will eventually affect our life style. It is not life threatening, but can be disabiling eventually.

This news has been like a cold bucket of water in my face, waking me up to reality and making the A with my OM seem so shallow and meaningless in the overall scope of things. I am here for my H 100 per cent and we will be okay, but I have gone through a meriad of emotions the past couple of days some of which are extreme guilt and remorse for wasting much of the past three years in turmoil over OM who is definitely not worth it. I feel so self centered to have spent what could have been valuable time with my H. I am telling myself that I am human and this A was a major mistake I made in my life and my philosophy has always been that we all make mistakes, but if we learn from those mistakes and can go on to be a better person, then it was not a total waste of time. I am trying hard to remind myself of that.

I am grateful that no major harm seems to be done to anyone becuase of the A.

When I went to work yesterday with the fresh news of my H's medical condition on my mind, I felt nothing toward my OM. I did not have the talk with him that I had planned to have. I was just not emotionally up to that yesterday, but if he continues to persue our A, as I imagine he will, then believe me, that talk will not be as difficult as I thought for me and this will stop. It's sad that it takes something bad to bring some of us back to Earth and to make us, (me), appreciate the blessings I have been given.

Sorry to go on so, but I am still in rather an emotional state, but it will get better and at least, now I have no doubt that the A is at an end.

To answer the question of a poster in one of my previous postings, the question being when does one know when the time has come to let it go, I think it is when there is much more guilt and emotional pain in the A than there is pleasure.

Thanks for listening everyone and when I do have to have that talk with the OM and I'm sure I will, I will let you all know how it goes.

Yes, Free, I too just want to smack him when he pouts and tries to make me feel bad when I'm trying to do right. You made me smile with that one.

Thanks again everyone.

IP

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Thu, 08-05-2004 - 10:27pm
Hello IP

I am so sorry to here that your husband has become ill. Fate I don't know about but it seems clear that this has helped you to get your Priorities clear in your own mind and has blasted the fog of MY NEEDS clearly out of your head.

The past is cast in cement you can't do a thing about it but you have lots of tommorrows to work with, I am sure you will make the most of them.

I don't think I would want to be STBXMM if he tries to push your buttons.

Best wishs to you and your husband

Free

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Thu, 08-05-2004 - 11:15pm
Hiya IP,

I'm so very sorry to read of your DH's illness, honey.

Yes, we've (all of us here) made some bad decisions on our paths. Hell, I've made some right doozies. And you're quite right that it's only when we fail to learn from those mistakes that the time is wasted.

Before you go beating yourself up too much, remember that you had decided to make the break from your EMA before you learned of DH's illness.

Wishing you strength & peace,

Posie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Sat, 08-07-2004 - 10:22pm
Thanks Free and Posie. Thank you for your concern and your words of wisdom. Yes, it is true that I had made the decision to stop the A even before this medical news and that does make me feel better about myself. This medical situation with my H has just brought it home to me that there is much more to life than fun and games and that is what the A was.

Well, I did have the talk with the oM yesterday. Our superviser was out for the day and when this happens, OM and I, or I guess I can now call him ex OM, anyeway, we have much more time alone and undisturbed together in the office. Well, of course, Ex OM started being very friendly, wanting to kiss and touch and all that. I let him know I was not in the mood for that, then I did ask him to go out to lunch with me so that we could talk undisturbed and uninterupted by other coworkers.

I told him to think back on conversations we had when we first became physically intimate with one another Spet. 2001 and how we said that when it just wasn't right for one of us that we would let it go, but we would still be friends because that was the most important part. He said he remember those conversations and he guessed I was telling him it wasn't working for me any more. I told him it had been great, but that it was causing me too many bad feelings now and I wasn't going to do it. I asked him if he really cares about me and if he does, then he will not push this. On the surface, he seemed to accept this very well. He said that he didn't want to ever make me feel bad and that if this is what I wanted, then it would be all right, but that he would miss our fun times. I told him that there were some things I would miss too, but that I just couldn't do it any more. He just touched my hand and said, "hey, it's going to be all right. We'll always be friends, that won't change." We both tried to keep it light after that, but the ride back to work was rather awkward because usually we hold hands or touch or talk intimately, but I guess this was the first step in learning how to deal with each other again just as friends.

We were both very quiet the rest of the afternoon. He doesn't seem to be pouting, but I guess this upcoming week will reallly tell the tale as far as how he is going to really react.

I feel sad, a little, but most of my emotional state is involved with my H right now and I just don't have the desire to deal too much with Ex OM. He'll just have to work things out for himself. Believe me, he is quite self centered and I fully expect to have to deal with this again, but at least i finally told him that I did not want to do it any more. No hinting around about it or vague suggestions that things should change. There should be no doubt in his mind what I was saying.

I did not tell him about my H's medical difficulties. That is our personal business and not OM's.

I slept more peacefully last night than I have in a very long time.

Thanks to all of you and I plan to keep posting here. I may still need some support in the weeks or months to come, and I would like to be of help to others going through any similar mess.

IP

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Sat, 08-07-2004 - 11:51pm
Hiya IP,

I'm so glad exOM was able to take the news like a grown-up. After knowing each other for x-number of years, I have no doubt that even if you said nothing about DH's illness, exOM would be well aware something serious was up and that you had good reasons behind both your words and actions.

You're a remarkably strong woman, IP, it may not feel like that at times, but you'll weather this storm and only become stronger having weathered it. And we'll be here to ride it out with ya, honey.

Wishing you strength & peace,

Posie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Sat, 08-07-2004 - 11:58pm
HI IP

I will be pleased to offer you any support I can, the truth is it can be little more then a listening ear and a few incouraging words, but both are there if you need or want them.

Perhaps Xmm will give you a surprise and show you enough respect to honor your wishes, hey you never know sometimes people can surprise you.

My prayers and thoughts are with you and your husband.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
Sun, 08-08-2004 - 9:01am
Dear IP,

Your latest posts have brought tears to my eyes. I'm so sorry that your difficult premeditated plan of action (with XMM) had to be pre-empted by news of your H's illness. I am a firm believer that when someone is such a part of one's soul (your H), that we are able to pick up signals of an impending hardship long before it happens. Your doubts, concerns and confusions over your A, IMHO, were psychically connected to your husband's medical condition. Unaware to what was actually materializing, your soul was imforming you of future events. I know I probably sound (corny and coo-coo), but I am a student of paranormal psychology, allured to this line of thinking since I was a child. MOST tramatic events in my life were all linked to 6th sense awareness, and had I been more intuned with this gift (BTW, we all have it to some extent), I would have skirted around disaster far more successfully than I did. Boiling this down to basics, that little voice we hear inside of our head IS the sound of our own truth. THIS voice commences with a "gut" feeling that is warning us to take the action necessary for self-preservation. MOST people ignore it, brush it off, and sadly continue traveling along the wrong path...

OK, enough of my babbling. I just wanted to tell you that as kindred spirits, I will pray that the pain you will inevitably experience, as you heal, diminishes with each day; that you will find balance in your life that will bring you peace of mind and soul; that you will forgive yourself and not be consumed by guilt; that your husband will be just fine, and that both of you become stronger with each passing day.

Life is giving you another clean slate. Use is wisely and follow those signals that are leading you out of the dark. God speed...

True

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
Sun, 08-08-2004 - 12:06pm
<<<>>>

AHHH YESSSS.....that inner voice that starts out quiet as a mouse and ends up roaring like a lion. And here we are, stuffing in ear plugs in hopes to silence the constant drone of "Hey you?.... Hello?.... Anybody in here? You...who???!"

It took me 4 long years to listen. Well, first I had to wake up...and then I began listening. Going down a long and winding road that leads to nowhere is the path MOST affairs follow. There are a few exceptions where the lady gets her man,(or vice versa) but the destruction left behind takes years to reconstruct and the paranoia that follows puts the heart into a different kind of confusion. "Will I ever be able to trust him/her?"

And the beat goes on.....

Begin

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Sun, 08-08-2004 - 4:11pm
I can't thank you all enough for all your encouraging words and support here. My H's health situation is not life threatening, but within the coming years, it will limit some of our outside activities. We have a very supportive family unit with lots of brothers and sisters, neeces and nephews. There are lots worse situations that people have to deal with, but it is always a shock to know that your little world isn't quite as secure or perfect as you think it was. But my H and I are both strong people and I think we will meet this challenge as just that, a challenge that we can deal with together. He has another doctor's appointment and we will find out more information on this Tuesday. I will be with him at this appointment. YOu know, us women can always ask more questions and find out more info than men can in these situations.

As for the Ex OM, I am pretty nervous about how things will be betwen us at work tomorrow, but I know that if he treats me badly over this, it will affirm my resoluation that I have done the right thing. I just don't know what to expect from him. I hate to admit it, but he is very self centered and I think he will wait a few days, maybe a few weeks even, then try to start it up again, a little at a time. If he does, I will be very angry with him, because, I just don't have the patience or the desire to put up with that game. For our over all friendship's sake, I hope he will behave.

I have already planned to stay very busy at work tomorrow. That will help him not have an opportunity to get into any personal chit chat or anything else. As I have said before, my last resourt within the office is to have my cubicle moved and I will do that if I have to. I truly don't think it will come to that. He has always been able to break down my resolve becuase of our physical attraction for one another. All he used to have to do was touch me and I just melted, but over the past few months, that has been changing and now, with my h's situation, that physical thing is just not there on my part. It just isn't. It's kind of weird, but I am so glad.

Thanks again all for your good wishes and your prayers. Hopefully, we can all make it through our current situations and come out better people in the end.

Take care, and you'll be hearing from me.

IP