Fear of abandonment in new R
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| Sun, 05-22-2005 - 11:53am |
i have been seeing a new man recently, xmm and i broke up roughly two months ago, kind of on again off again with communication but we both knew it was over, as he had decided to stay with his w and move to another stated 1/2 the country away.
New guy has been wonderful in many ways, one of them is accepting and understanding the mm situation and not judging me for it. However i have a problem. i have mentioned it to new guy but we haven't talked about it in depth. i have a deep seated fear of abandonment now. i always probably had it but it was not intense, not a real worry for me. i am having a deep fear everytime i see or talk this man it will be the last time. He has given me *EVERY* indication that he likes me ("alot" lol), is going to be around for awhile. i think it has to do with the fact that while i understood mm's promises to leave wouldn't/couldn't come to fruition, i never expected him to go so far away. He broke a promise to me that i believed (he'd never leave me) even though i should have realized it wasn't realistic.
Edited to add: i have also realized i have never been in a "normal" R. ex H and mm, we both fell hard and fast. We were inseperable from the beginning. New guy is single and never married. i have no idea how a normal dating R is supposed to go.
Any advice???
Edited 5/22/2005 11:59 am ET ET by jennlynnk

my 2 cents Jennlynn
Stop talking about past relationships for awhile. Usually people dating new people really don't want to hear tooooo much about past relationships. They are not there to be a therapist and you don't want to turn them into the person who "saves" you. They might resent being unconciously compared (and that is what can be done at times). Whether you mean it or not...people try to see how they measure up when you are talking alot about someone else.
Turn the tables a bit...would you want to hear about some other woman all the time? I know you are not doing that but keep that in mind when you get the inclination to do so. You are still grieving this relationship...its hard not to think about...but a date is not someone who should be hearing about it. Its not dishonest. When one has been in a dishonest thing, its natural to want to purge yourself and not be dishonest with someone...but just like that age old question of "how many have you slept with" its really not the kind of information that is important if you are establishing something ...or trying to....with someone else. If you have to tell this guy about your MM because of perhaps...the moods you might be in...then you are perhaps dating too soon or unable to put your feelings aside yet. Both are, in my opinion, unfair to new folks.
Enjoy the lightness...I hope having someone treat you well makes you feel good now. I am not ready for a relationship with someone yet and its been 6 months. I suppose if the situation felt right...I would. So far no go as I am in a depression of sorts and only some of it is feeling lonely.
Lizzie