fear of rejection & staying in control?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
fear of rejection & staying in control?
5
Wed, 09-29-2004 - 1:16pm
Hi Everybody.

Well, I'm starting to pick myself up and start moving on again. Reading and posting more often really helps. I need you guys to hold me accountable.

I know I need things to be over with XOM, and that my emotional health and marriage depend on it. I want to restore closeness and intimacy with my husband, have a happy marriage and in a couple of years, babies. And most immediately, I want peace. I know that fooling around with XOM is not compatible with those desires. I know that no matter how amazing the high is when I am with XOM, it is even more destructive than it is good-feeling.

Here's my question to you guys...

How do I get over worrying about what he's thinking and whether he is rejecting me? I seem to do better when I know he wants me, as unhealthy as that is. And after every encounter I go through this excrutiating process of wondering what he's thinking. Even though I'm sure he's not thinking at all! I DON"T WANT TO BE THIS PATHETIC! My best friend, who knows all of this, told me the other day that I am more worried about what he thinks than then damage this has caused. I am so afraid of being rejected by him, that I've played these little games for months.

Don't get me wrong, I AM through, and I know all the reasons I need to be. But how do you stop wondering about them? How can I make that shift? I can't seem to shake it because after all of this I still do find myself caring what he thinks. Sorry to sound like a loser. I want to shake this!

Love,

Lily
Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Wed, 09-29-2004 - 1:40pm
Lily, I think that is a perfectly normal feeling, especially in the beginning stages of ending an A. I can tell you from experience, eventually you will lose that need to know what the XOM is thinking, but again, NC is the key to that. Be patient with yourself; tell yourself over & over again why it just doesn't matter what he is thinking, and why YOU are the only one you need to worry about; eventually, you'll believe it! And ensure that his thoughts of you are of a strong woman of integrity, rather than a pathetic, needy woman, by holding your head high and maintaining NC!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2004
Wed, 09-29-2004 - 2:20pm
Hi Lily,

Ok, I see that you recognize that you need things to be over because being with XMM only causes pain and destruction in the long run. This is a good realization!

I’m sure you’ve read this before, but it shouldn’t matter to you anymore what he thinks.

The thing that helped me to get over MM was to write my feelings down constantly. I started documents at work so that I could just type and type and get it out. I’d go back and read it later. To put things in black and white can really help. I asked my mother-in-law and my dad (who both have passed away) to help me get over this. Yes, I obsessed. Yes, I went thru the addiction and withdrawal. Yes, it sucks.

I go to the bookstore on my lunch hour and read about affairs. Tried to figure out the reason I did this.

I made a decision to end it cuz my H was getting really suspicious, I was paranoid and I just can’t live that way (being dishonest). Once I made the decision I am sticking with it. (I am both very strong and very stubborn!) I know I can’t be around MM so I am doing my best to avoid him. I haven’t been able to stop ‘wondering’ about him. I still think about him almost every hour of the day unfortunately. I still have sleepless nights. I think this is due to the fact that I told him I wanted to be friends only to realize when he tried, it made things worse.

I haven’t been able to tell him not to contact me. I’ve just not responded several times to his messages. This after he told me he wanted me in his life. I keep saying to myself, ‘I don’t care what you want – this is about ME!’

I see from my writings that it was a lot easier when I thought he wrote me off. He didn’t contact me for 3 weeks, and I noticed how I didn’t really care anymore. (Still thought about him, but it was not ‘intense’ feelings.) I was not happy when I thought he just walked away from me but everyone said he was making it easier on me. It boggles my mind that he doesn’t care if I know who he ‘really is’. I find that if you can get mad at them, it helps : )

I’m not afraid of him rejecting me – it could happen, and if it does – well then we would know it’s over and there is no point of rehashing the past over and over and over. I do like to be in control – I think we all do.

I wish I could offer more help. But those are some of the things that helped me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2004
Wed, 09-29-2004 - 2:37pm
Lily, I think we all feel this way. We had relationships with these men, many of us loved them. So, I think it's only normal to wonder what they are thinking and to be devastated by their rejection of us. It feels horrible to know that I am sitting here agonizing over MM, and apparently he is able to hold back from contacting me. I am hoping these feelings pass, for all of us who are going through this.

Even though MM says his decision to stop seeing me (for a while or forever) will never change how much he loves me and always will, just the pure fact that he has chosen to end it is rejection. I am having a terrible time with that myself, especially since he has given me back the confidence and self-esteem that I have lost over the years. I don't know what I will do without that - without him making me feel loved, wanted, desired. I am trying to find ways of keeping that feeling without him.

It's hard, I know it is. I guess we all know that we shouldn't care what they think, but we do. We need to find the strength to just do it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Wed, 09-29-2004 - 3:06pm
Hey Lily!

Damn! I could have written that exact same post about a month ago. I dont wonder as much today what he is thinking. But yes, I know exactly how that feels. Wondering does he miss me? Is he miserable? Did he love me? And you know what?? You can do this ALL DAY LONG! Wonder what he is thinking and what he thought and you know what? It doesnt matter anymore! It really doesnt. Trust me I know. If you keep focusing on that you will not only torture yourself but you fall prey to contacting him again. That was my excuse for contact. I always wanted that proper "closure"...but it was never enough. After we had the closure, I felt like I was missing him so much and that there must be another way we could just remain friends and what was he thinking...blah, blah, blah. It is a vicious circle. One you need to force yourself to get out of. Believe me when I tell you stop focusing on his thoughts and focus on YOURS! What are you thinking??? What things can YOU do to gain control and feel HAPPY again!

Ok...I know...its all easier said than done but it MUST be done!

The control and rejection thing. Lord! That would make me crazy. I always felt it easier to end it when I was in control and I was ending it and I was rejecting him. Well when he agreed and actually stuck to it. I was destroyed! It was so much nicer knowing he was yearning for me. I guess in a really messed up way, it must have fed into my ego.

So my simple words of wisdom...WHO CARES WHAT HE THINKS! I know it sounds harsh...but truthfully will it make things better if you do know? The more your torture yourself the harder it is. You will be FINE! Let me be an example...when I started torturing myself with all that BS...I became pathetic. I ending up becoming pathetic. I was out of control...how could he reject ME??? So if you dont want to look as pathetic as I did...STOP THE MADNESS NOW! :) (hope this makes sense...kinda busy at work...so my mind is all over the place)

xo!

Dipss

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Wed, 09-29-2004 - 3:49pm
I am so there with Lily and NYCgemini-

That has been the worst thing for me and the one thing that is making be want to continue to break the NC more than anything..what is he thinkigng I, like Lily, know it is over but this nagging feeling is nuts. He has kept to contact to almost non-existant which from my end seems easy for him and I am struggling through each day to do it. I too keep thinking we need more closure. There will ever be enough closure.. for me it is just another way to keep the drama an the truthfully the pain going.