Feel like a complete failure

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2008
Feel like a complete failure
26
Wed, 10-20-2010 - 1:14pm

Hi all,

It has taken me days to get the courage up to write this.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
Wed, 10-20-2010 - 1:42pm

Dear LL,

If therapy hasn't been able to help you, and you already know the issues you have that are keeping you in this co-dependent /destructive relationship, just what is it that you think we can do?

Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life. ~ Buddha
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2009
Wed, 10-20-2010 - 2:49pm

Welcome Back ((LL)).

BE the change that you want to see in the world! Life loves me and I love life! <3
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2008
Wed, 10-20-2010 - 3:33pm
Iddy,

Your reply got to me. You are absolutely correct. What AM I looking for? A magic pill?

What I need to do now is to stay away from him. I need to respect myself. I need to stop pushing down the hurt and accepting crumbs. I need to stop badgering him. I need to respect the deep layers of hurt I feel and to daily, head-on, just feel them.

Somehow I have desensitized myself. He can pull away, tell me the words that he doesn't want me in "that way" and yet I cling. It's a pathetic existence. I need to start respecting myself enough to walk away.

My god, how have I sunk this low? I think I need to stop having a pity party for myself and find a new way.

Iddy, you've been patient with me many times. Thank you....
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Wed, 10-20-2010 - 3:39pm

Hi Life,

Glad to hear that you are not giving up and are continuing to make efforts to end this toxic R. As long as you are willing to commit to ending and complete NC, then there is hope.

I do agree with what Iddy posted. There is only so much support we can offer. The commitment and work need to come from you.

I can say that I do see some progress from when you first started posting late last year/early this year.

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2008
Wed, 10-20-2010 - 3:48pm
New Season,

Thank you. I'm choosing to pick myself up and stop groveling at this man's feet. I have given him all the power. My biggest obstacle has been taking control of this situation and allowing myself to be the puppet. I'm not angry, just sad. Sad that I've allowed myself to continue and lose the progress I once had. I have NO choice now. I have to survive.

I'm choosing to stop begging a man to love me. How sad to even type that. ): I'm going to stick around and walk through this until I someone gain back my self-respect.

Thanks for your kind words today--it means sooo much to me.

p.s. I'm glad to hear you have survived and have started to really thrive! You give me hope.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2008
Wed, 10-20-2010 - 4:01pm
E1....

Hi (:

Deep sigh. Thank you and yes. You are right. My whole "script" has been that of feeling like the victim. I have been called out on that in counseling and with a few friends. I wonder why I do this? Sure I got played. But I wasn't innocent. Now I can at least admit that! (a step I guess?) But damn, why is it easier for me to just blame him??? To let my sorry self off the hook? When I have REALLY taken my whole A apart, it seems the reoccurring theme for me was about "winning" and then "not being enough". Those two things keep me in the sick on-down victim thinking. It's such a waste of time and life. No one is going to do the hard work for me. I know that--yet I feel already so "therapy-ed out".....stupid--but true. I feel like it's been easier to just give in to the addiction and sickness because the other work equally sucks!

I went in to the A as an escape from my marriage issues and my low self-esteem. I re-entered for the same reasons. I wanted to win. I didn't/don't want his wife to win. Saying that last line is truthful and hard to write. I need to conquer this whole "competition" thing.

Thanks for your ipod analogy. It's true.

LL (2008) tells you just how long I've been around here ): Ugh
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2009
Wed, 10-20-2010 - 4:15pm
((LL))..I have tears rolling down my face as I read this because I too once groveled at a man's feet for many years and more than once and it makes me sad to remember that woman that I once was...I am please to hear that you plan on sticking around and please know I am always here for you LL as are the rest of the women here at EAS. You can survive and thrive too LL. When all you have is hope, let it light the way to love, faith, peace and happiness. ...much love
BE the change that you want to see in the world! Life loves me and I love life! <3
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Wed, 10-20-2010 - 4:50pm

<>

How much poison are you willing to drink Life in hopes to defeat his wife? How much are you willing to destroy yourself and your family to win…and would you really win anything at all or would you really be the loser?

It’s very possible somewhere in your past someone took something very valuable to you emotionally and you felt powerless and you are trying to win it back now through this scenario.

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
Wed, 10-20-2010 - 4:54pm

LL,

<>

Sounds like a game plan to me and I like it. :smileywink: Knowing what we need to do is the first step in reaching our goals. From there you take it one day at a time, and another step at a time. You already know what doesn't work so if my calculations are correct, anything you do now "differently" stands a good chance at being your ticket out of Dodge.

Very wise E1 (I was thinking of you this morning, girl, and hoped everything was okay), called it right. Manipulation = needing to be in control, so right there is where you start your homework. We've talked quite a bit on here about the benefits of CBT. Have you tried this yet? Retraining your thoughts, replacing negative tapes with positive ones, learning that our thoughts cause our behavior and not external things like people, situations, and events, etc. There's a set amount of sessions, there is homework you are given, and you know exactly when the therapy ends. It does not go on and on like psychotherapy. Anyway, have you tried this yet? If not, look into it.

<>

Honey, hitting rock bottom does have it's merits. There is only "up" from there but you have to find the strength to pull yourself up by the bootstraps and get moving, KWIM? Do you remember the book, "Been down so long it looks like up to me?" Well, it was written back in the 60's and I never read it (just a babe in the woods back then. ;-), but the title stuck in my head over the years. I would say it everytime life threw me another curve ball. The "Doors" even named one of their albums after it. ( a litle trivia) :smileywink: Anway, my point is, we can only go so low and then our survival instincts kick in. (Hopefully, or we talking about something else altogether.) Once our arse's have hit gravel pit, it's time to start crawling out. I don't think there is one of us on this board that hasn't had gravel in their underwear at one time or another.:smileyvery-happy:

You can do it this time, Life. Sheesh, just look at your moniker. This is your "life" and you can make it whatever you want to make it. You have control over YOU, and that is what makes this whole journey worth it. Oh, I and I don't think I have welcomed you back, so "Hello again" and ""Hi Dee Ho." (thought this song fits in good with the jist of this post) :smileywink:

Hi De Ho
Written by - G. Goffin & C. King
Blood, Sweat & Tears


Hi de ho
Hi de hi
Gonna get me
A piece of the pie
Gonna get me
Some of that old sweet roll
Singin' Hi de hi de hi de hi de ho

I've been down so low
Bottom looked like up
Once I thought that seconds saves
Was enough to fill my cup
So I proffered all I got
But it ain't no way to live
Being taken by the ones who got
The least amount to give

Hi de ho
Hi de hi
Gonna get me a piece of the sky
Gonna get me some of that old sweet roll
Singing hi de hi de hi de hi de ho

Once I met the devil
He was mighty slick
Tempted me with worldly goods
Said 'you can have your pick'
But when he laid that paper on me
And he showed me where to sign
I said thank you very kindly
But I'm in too good a mood to mind

Hi de ho
Hi de hi
Gonna get me a piece of the sky
Gonna get me some of that old sweet roll
Singin' hi de hi de hi de hi de ho
Hi de ho
Hi de hi
Gonna get me a piece of the sky
Gonna get me some of that old sweet roll
Singin' hi de hi de hi de hi de ho
(((Hugs))
Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life. ~ Buddha
Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 10-20-2010 - 5:58pm

Good for you for facing your life in such an honest and raw way.

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