Feel like a complete failure
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Feel like a complete failure
| Wed, 10-20-2010 - 1:14pm |
Hi all,
It has taken me days to get the courage up to write this.
| Wed, 10-20-2010 - 1:14pm |
Hi all,
It has taken me days to get the courage up to write this.
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I wanted to pipe in with a very abbreviated response...
Mark,
Yes, I do both individual counseling and group.
Well said and yep--excatly me! I have 47 years worth of approval issues. I wanted so badly to get my AP to be the "one" (yet knowing full well the statistics sucked) so I literally set myself up for failure!)
My whole persona right now is the whole unworthy, self-criticism deal. I AM going to work to change that!
Thank you for responding with a great thought!
p.s. your pic is darling (:
(((LL))))
Thanks so much for the compliment -
I think you're saying that you're a ball of negatives is A START. I actually think that you coming back here and posting and taking a risk to be ridiculed or shamed for "failing" as you are doing to yourself is a HUGE SIGN THAT YOU BELIEVE IN YOURSELF.
Frankly, If you didnt think somewhere deep down inside that you are WORTH IT...You'd just be off enjoying the pain of your affair. Better yet, NOT EVEN NOTICING your pain...you'd just be staying in it and NOT second guessing yourself.
I caught onto something when I first arrived here -
1) through reading all the posts
2) through the types of SMART RESPONSES I got
The focus for "endings' ....is NOT THE AFFAIR!
(thank God! I did that enough!!!)
It's the WHO got into the AFFAIR...and the WHO ARE YOU NOW...OR WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
Not...the s*it that if you FOCUS ON IT..it's gna keep you stuck. If I start talking to you about what happened during the A I was in...before long - Im going to be a MESS - cuz Im back focusing on "him"..."what Happened" ...."what I called it" ..."what I wanted"...ISNT IT ENOUGH ALREADY? Isnt it too much time...you've already given?
Something NEW...which if you're ending something...that's all you have now...the "NEW"....the NEW YOU...even though the current you may have gotten yourself into a pickle and you arrive smelling like pickle juice - You're OUT now. You're either In or you're OUT. (just like not being "a little bit pregnant") So Being OUT, Being NEW - is about YOU.
If I may suggest...don't let your brain think there's a "him" at all. Not for awhile. THINK ABOUT YOU. The messed up you. The scared you. The confused you. The unsure you. The "crazy" you. It's ALL OK- As long as YOU are YOUR priority. Cuz YOU can FIX anything that's not likeable (in YOUR estimation) of YOU.
All the power's back in your lap.
What a GIFT!!!!!
Are you In or are you OUT? :)
You are one smart cookie. I have spent three years talking to women (and men) about all the details of my A. I focused constantly on all the rights and wrongs of him, all the reasons I was miserable or happy, it was all him, him , him.
I literally gave him my heart and soul and mind! (yep and body).....
It's time to re-think that.......
or better yet...just DO it! :)
Nike...
Always had it "right" :)
Best to you!
Hi LL,
I know the feeling of 'winning/losing' because that was my feeling too then.
So this MM possessed all of the qualities you want in a man. That means you want a man who lies, cheats and doesn't believe in commitments he makes (i.e. marriage). Think about that for a second. Ask yourself why honesty, integrity and total commitment are not important to you. That is setting the bar really low in terms of finding a life long partner. We we enter into an A we put on a mask. We become s*x goddesses and we play a role. A role were we can live out our fantasies. That is why we always think the A is so great because it's our fantasy and we live it out. When the fog clears and we look at the situation through our real eyes instead of rose colored glasses we realized how dysfunctional our A and our behavior really was. You are a whole person without a man who brings out the worse in you (i.e. the lying, cheating, deceiving part of you).
I don't want those qualities at all! It's the illusion of him--the fake parts of him where he played the part of the illusionary perfect partner.
Gawd, he is as broken as I am now. And I continue to act like a dreamy teenager waiting for this stud. NO! ):
I think the parts or qualities I liked in him best are the ones that are hugely missing in my marriage. My H is very emotionally unavailable. My H is distant and not a warm person. My MM had all that, but lacked what it really takes to take a good look at his own shortcomings instead of looking for outside validation. Just like me.
Thank you for your thoughts! It all has me thinking today....
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