Feel Like a Crack Addict. You?
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| Wed, 10-27-2004 - 7:45pm |
I have been posting on the Support board for months. After just over a year, I am about to end my A with my MM in two weeks. It is excruciating, but we both agree that now is the time because it is interfereing with our M's and our ability to work on the issues in our M's.
So I am trying my best to prepare as much as I can, emotionally, because I am expecting it to feel like a train wreck in my soul.
We work together, I see him every day and I am agonizing over how to deal with seeing him but not being able to talk or be friendly or have contact.
Today, he had an out of office meeting all day, and it was the first time we couldn't speak like this in a long time, and you guys, I FELT LIKE I WAS GOING OUT OF MY MIND.
Here I am at work, a grown woman with responsibilites, and I honestly stopped and thought, "This must be what it feels like for a drug addict to go without a fix." It was the most unbearable, jonesing feeling, and I have to say that that feeling of desperation truly frightened me. I have bever been addicted to anything in my life, and now since MM I feel like he is my fix.
I am scared you guys. I don't know how I am going to cope. I even started smoking this year since the A. And I know it is related because when I am alone and thinking about him I want to smoke. And I told myself that when I quit MM, I will quit cigarettes.
Do you guys feel like the A is an addiction? How do you cope?
I am afraid I will come apart at the seams and that somehow everyone will see me fall apart. I am also more afraid of hiding my grief from my H than I am of hiding the A. I cannot hide grief! Or can I? Did you??? How do you do this??
I am so scared of facing this grief and desperation in secret.
Help!!!!!!!!!!!

I too am in the same situation... practically identical. I started smoking also. The only thing different is I cant get my guy, who is no longer a MM to give it up. He is now no longer married (his wife left him for another MM). He has begun to date, I told him I cannot handle the dating and want to let go. He says no that he would not let me go. I just cannot for the life of me say no to him. I have told him it makes me sick (really) to think where her lips have been, not to mention his lips and he just responds that he feels the same way about my H and whats the difference now that it is not his wife? There is a big difference. I feel like I am getting walked all over and used. My self esteem has never been this low. I am so addicted to him it is crazy. I think the key to getting them off our minds is to stay busy. I have a problem of looking for other distractions(men) to get my mind off of him. Not that I really want another man... I just want something to get my mind of him and the situation. Oh... and did I mention that he started out as a distraction? I know... I have deep seeded issues that need resolving. But this time around it is physically painful... the worst I have ever felt. I will never do this again... if I can just get out of this and start feeling normal again.
As far as handling grief in front of your H... Well my H and I are so emotionally unattached... he doesnt know the difference. At work... they notice...but they think it is problems at home. Problems... huh - we never fuss... we never talk. But I still wear this anquish all over my face, I guess he is used to it. And as far as leaving my H ..I am leaving when my teenager graduates next year... but not necessarily for him... but for me (or so I tell myself).
It is an emotional rollercoaster. I truly wished I had never laid eyes on him. It is not true that saying... It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. I hope you find answers to your post that will help me too.
Have I made myself perfectly clear? ;)
~True~
Yes it feels like a trainwreck, I am sorry I wont sugarcoat it, when it ends and you still feel for this person, you grieve as if you were truly mourning the death of someone. I still am after 8 weeks of endind a 3.5 year affair. But in all reality all good things come to an end and affairs are just that, A good thing while it lasts. Its up to you to learn how to put on a happy face in front of H and not let them catch on that deep down inside you are torn apart. Eventually I beleive it gets better, You just have to take it day by day. (BABY STEPS).
I wish you lots of luck and here if you need me.
Take Care
Ladybug
Thank you.
I know, I am 1 week into ending a 3yr A. I hate him and love him still all in the same breath. It does feel like a train wreck, a nuclear explosion that happened in your heart. NC girl is the only way, if you talk to him it will only fan the flame. I've blocked e-mail and his number from my phone. I had to, its the only way.
Reading your posts has both comforted me and terrified me. I see it can be done, but I know I'm in for a lot of pain.
HOW do you do NC if you work together?!?!??!?
Tips???
BTDT Stories??
sigh...