Feel Like a Crack Addict. You?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Feel Like a Crack Addict. You?
8
Wed, 10-27-2004 - 7:45pm
Hi all,

I have been posting on the Support board for months. After just over a year, I am about to end my A with my MM in two weeks. It is excruciating, but we both agree that now is the time because it is interfereing with our M's and our ability to work on the issues in our M's.

So I am trying my best to prepare as much as I can, emotionally, because I am expecting it to feel like a train wreck in my soul.

We work together, I see him every day and I am agonizing over how to deal with seeing him but not being able to talk or be friendly or have contact.

Today, he had an out of office meeting all day, and it was the first time we couldn't speak like this in a long time, and you guys, I FELT LIKE I WAS GOING OUT OF MY MIND.

Here I am at work, a grown woman with responsibilites, and I honestly stopped and thought, "This must be what it feels like for a drug addict to go without a fix." It was the most unbearable, jonesing feeling, and I have to say that that feeling of desperation truly frightened me. I have bever been addicted to anything in my life, and now since MM I feel like he is my fix.

I am scared you guys. I don't know how I am going to cope. I even started smoking this year since the A. And I know it is related because when I am alone and thinking about him I want to smoke. And I told myself that when I quit MM, I will quit cigarettes.

Do you guys feel like the A is an addiction? How do you cope?

I am afraid I will come apart at the seams and that somehow everyone will see me fall apart. I am also more afraid of hiding my grief from my H than I am of hiding the A. I cannot hide grief! Or can I? Did you??? How do you do this??

I am so scared of facing this grief and desperation in secret.

Help!!!!!!!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2004
Wed, 10-27-2004 - 8:24pm
Yes my affair in which I am still in after over 2 years is I believe a type of addiction on both our parts. An addiction of one of the worst kinds. To a person. We need to speak to each everyday several times & see each other everytime possible. Withdrawal is horrible and physically painful. My head and now even my heart is telling me it has to end but I just can't let go. So yes I feel like an addict.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Sat, 10-30-2004 - 10:51am
Dear lovesec...

I too am in the same situation... practically identical. I started smoking also. The only thing different is I cant get my guy, who is no longer a MM to give it up. He is now no longer married (his wife left him for another MM). He has begun to date, I told him I cannot handle the dating and want to let go. He says no that he would not let me go. I just cannot for the life of me say no to him. I have told him it makes me sick (really) to think where her lips have been, not to mention his lips and he just responds that he feels the same way about my H and whats the difference now that it is not his wife? There is a big difference. I feel like I am getting walked all over and used. My self esteem has never been this low. I am so addicted to him it is crazy. I think the key to getting them off our minds is to stay busy. I have a problem of looking for other distractions(men) to get my mind off of him. Not that I really want another man... I just want something to get my mind of him and the situation. Oh... and did I mention that he started out as a distraction? I know... I have deep seeded issues that need resolving. But this time around it is physically painful... the worst I have ever felt. I will never do this again... if I can just get out of this and start feeling normal again.

As far as handling grief in front of your H... Well my H and I are so emotionally unattached... he doesnt know the difference. At work... they notice...but they think it is problems at home. Problems... huh - we never fuss... we never talk. But I still wear this anquish all over my face, I guess he is used to it. And as far as leaving my H ..I am leaving when my teenager graduates next year... but not necessarily for him... but for me (or so I tell myself).

It is an emotional rollercoaster. I truly wished I had never laid eyes on him. It is not true that saying... It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. I hope you find answers to your post that will help me too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
Sat, 10-30-2004 - 11:10am
There is only ONE way to end an addiction. <<<>>>> !!!! Then you seek support. For affairs, this board is amazing. It saw me through ending a 4 year affair. AND I STILL WORK WITH HIM! But, cold turkey, my friends. No sex, no talkie, no emailing, no instant messaging, no text messaging, no phone calls, NO NOTHING!

Have I made myself perfectly clear? ;)



~True~

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2004
Sat, 10-30-2004 - 4:58pm
You have summed it up perfectly, it is like an addiction, a bad one. I go crazy if I dont hear from him in one form or another throughout the day. Weekends are awful, if I dont get an email from him, I am absolutely grrrrrrrrr. miserable. Its terrible, and I hate myself for it sometimes. Now he wants it over with, (whatever he means this time), and I have sat here all day totally needing to talk to him. I am smoking my face off, which also p's me off. I am suppose to go out with friends tonight, and am looking forward to it, but know I will have this thing come over me where I will want to try and call him, or come home at 3 in the morning to see if he emailed me, and be totally upset if nothing is there. Its brutal, and sometimes I know how stupid I am being, but in reading these messages, I see sooner or later you must get to the point where you start looking after yourself only and do the "cold turkey" thing. I agree it is probably the only way to go.. but getting there I dont think is easy. I feel like I am sixteen again, and crying over my first boyfriend. I am normally a very strong, calm, independant person, but it is amazing what this can all do to you. You are not alone in your addiction, I guess we just all reach a point, I hope anyways, where we get strong and realize we dont deserve to be in these situations.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Sat, 10-30-2004 - 5:31pm
Hey There

Yes it feels like a trainwreck, I am sorry I wont sugarcoat it, when it ends and you still feel for this person, you grieve as if you were truly mourning the death of someone. I still am after 8 weeks of endind a 3.5 year affair. But in all reality all good things come to an end and affairs are just that, A good thing while it lasts. Its up to you to learn how to put on a happy face in front of H and not let them catch on that deep down inside you are torn apart. Eventually I beleive it gets better, You just have to take it day by day. (BABY STEPS).

I wish you lots of luck and here if you need me.

Take Care

Ladybug

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Sat, 10-30-2004 - 8:48pm
Yes I get the message loud and clear... and you are so right. Cold Turkey.

Thank you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Sun, 10-31-2004 - 12:53am
lovesec,

I know, I am 1 week into ending a 3yr A. I hate him and love him still all in the same breath. It does feel like a train wreck, a nuclear explosion that happened in your heart. NC girl is the only way, if you talk to him it will only fan the flame. I've blocked e-mail and his number from my phone. I had to, its the only way.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Sun, 10-31-2004 - 8:58am
God you guys,

Reading your posts has both comforted me and terrified me. I see it can be done, but I know I'm in for a lot of pain.

HOW do you do NC if you work together?!?!??!?

Tips???

BTDT Stories??


sigh...