Feel like a fool

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Feel like a fool
8
Wed, 10-13-2004 - 2:38pm
I'm new to the message boards, but not new to my affair. I've been seeing my OM for two-and-a-half years. My story is so similar to those I've read. We met at work, there was this incredible connection. We "fit" so well, it was almost fateful. We had a point where we discussed leaving our spouses to be together, but we were too scared to take that step

We've been on-again and off-again so many times, it's become predictable. This time, we'd had six looong weeks of NC. He broke it and left me an empty phone message. It was just a way to let me know he wanted to talk without actually leaving me a message.

I fell for it. I called him, we met and all the old emotions and excitement were there. We met a few more times and then I got the classic "kiss off" note. He loves his wife, he'll never leave her, I'm his biggest mistake, we'll never be together, etc. etc.

Now I feel stupid and worthless. I'm back at square one with the NC, which is hard enough without all the negative feelings I have for myself.

I just don't know why I keep letting myself fall into this same trap. I want out! I need to get control of my life. I've never stopped loving my husband and our life. Why do I continue to risk losing my life with him!

I just really need some advice and support.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2004
In reply to: shel0815
Wed, 10-13-2004 - 2:48pm
shel -

I'm sorry you are feeling down.

I will put it in black and white for you.

YOU ARE in control of YOUR life.

YOU CHOSE to meet him, talk to him, etc. You are making decisions and acting on them.

YOU HAVE THE POWER to take back yourself, get your sh*t together and act like

the good wife I am sure you are.

It will hurt and will be the hardest thing you've ever had to do. But let him go. Do it for your kids, for your H, for his wife, or do it for YOU.

YOU ARE IN CONTROL. No contact DOES WORK. It's been over 9 weeks for me and believe me, those first 2 weeks are really hard. But listen to everyone, it DOES get easier. I still think of him everyday - not wanting to be with him but rather wondering what the hell he did to me! How the heck did I let my good morals out the window (even if only for a short time?)

Good luck and just put your mind in NC mode, and you CAN do it!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2004
In reply to: shel0815
Wed, 10-13-2004 - 3:02pm
"Now I feel stupid and worthless. I'm back at square one with the NC, which is hard enough without all the negative feelings I have for myself."

"I just don't know why I keep letting myself fall into this same trap. I want out! I need to get control of my life. I've never stopped loving my husband and our life. Why do I continue to risk losing my life with him!"

Hello shel! I usually post on the My Affair Support board, but I think its about time to join this board.

What you said in your post really hit close to home for me. I havent talked to my OM in 8 days now. No reasons why there would be NC, no Im going out of town, no anything.

He has been my best friend for forever and we just recently started kind of a FWB situation about 8 months ago. But of course while I thought we were progressing into a full blown A, I think he was not. I have never led on to my deep feelings for him, nor have I ever acted like I wanted more than just FWB.

I also know I love my H and he loves his W. Yet I still keep talking to him and keep risking my M and my entire life for someone who doesnt really give a damn about persuing any sort of relationship ewith me besides FWB.

Today I just feel terrible. I feel like the lowest person on earth for longing so much to talk to someone who doesnt care, when I have a wonderful H who would give absolutly anything for me to reciprocate those feelings to him.

WHY DO WE DO THIS? WHY DO WE LONG FOR SOMETHING THAT REALLY ISNT THAT GREAT? WHY DO I WANT SOMEONE WHO OBVIOUSLY DOESNT WANT ME LIKE I WANT HIM??

Im sorry I wasnt much help, but just thought I would let you know that I conpletely understand what your going through. And just beginning to go through it myself, dont have many words of wisdom for you...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
In reply to: shel0815
Wed, 10-13-2004 - 3:06pm
Why is it so easy to give advice, but yet we don't take our own - I'm speaking of myself of course :-)

Shel,

I completely understand. My xOM (who was/is single) and I had that same "connection". Some people will tell you it wasn't real, but only you know whether it was or not. I would like to believe mine was. Same as you - I thought it was fate, destiny, karma, whatever, but we were meant to be.

After we broke up, I tried NC but that only lasted for 9 days - he broke. Nothing special, just a general, "Hey what's up" email. That then led to late night phone calls of "Want to hook up". I met my xOM - didn't sleep with him, but felt stupid for ditching my friends on a girls night out.

Everytime I talk to him, email him, think about him, I feel stupid. Why on earth would I let this guy have such control over my life? I'm trying to stop blaming him for being a jerk - and start taking responsibility for allowing him to treat me this way. It's hard, I know, when you love someone. You want them to still want you - you want them to love you the way you love them. But know that you are a strong, beautiful, intelligent woman. You deserve better - and I'll bet you will find it at home with your H.

Luv,

Actressdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
In reply to: shel0815
Wed, 10-13-2004 - 3:10pm
You are so right. That's exactly what I need to hear. I had my eyes wide open when this whole thing started, and I can still see clearly. This is a mistake, and one that I don't want to keep repeating.

I refuse to wallow for one more minute for someone who does not deserve my tears. I love my husband, I know he loves me. I made it six weeks with NC and I can start all over. This IS my life and I chose to turn it around and get back on the right path.

Thanks for reading my message and taking the time to share your advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2004
In reply to: shel0815
Wed, 10-13-2004 - 3:29pm
shel -

We've all been there. I had an 'ah ha' moment when I felt my H was saying things jokingly about me having an A and there I was betraying him. I knew that if he ever found out it would destroy US, me, my kids, etc. I could NOT do it.

Anyway, the things that helped the most was posting here when I needed someone to give me support, advice, or just plain listen.

Everytime I got or read good advice, I saved it. I still re-read those articles. I wrote everyday (sometimes - lots of times a bunch of times a day) in a journal I keep at work. It helps tremendously to get the feelings out.

I read books at the bookstore - 'Not just friends' and 'Don't call that man' helped. Although by the time I read the second book I was well on my way to getting out.

Just commit yourself to your marriage and don't get drawn in by your MM.

He's led you to the side of cheating, lies and deceit. I don't think you want to be there and ONLY you can get yourself out.

Good luck, you can and WILL do it!!!

And feel free to em me if you need to talk more. I'm all for venting! I can even send those articles that helped me if you want.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
In reply to: shel0815
Wed, 10-13-2004 - 3:44pm
I can definitely relate...

My exMM and I broke it off the first time b/c his W found out and told him to. Of course, I contacted him about 10 days later, and the whole nonsense started up again. And, of course, after about a month and a half, he was back with his W and kid, saying he had to "rebuild his life" b/c he loved his W and kid too much to leave them for me.

Well...its been 7 weeks since we've seen each other. I contacted him once. We argued, it sucked, but it hit home to me that it was truly over, so in a way, it helped me move on.

Well...he called my apartment the other day from a pay phone. Didn't leave a message.

I was sorely tempted to try and contact him. But you know what?

Fool me once, shame on you.

Fool me twice, shame on me.

He's already fooled me twice, and I'm not giving him the opportunity to do it again. Because I KNOW the same thing would happen. We'd get all hot and heavy again, then he'd start missing his kid and old life and boom, he's gone AGAIN.

I'd like to think I am stronger than letting that happen to me...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
In reply to: shel0815
Wed, 10-13-2004 - 7:14pm
hi there iv--

Can you post the articles on a new thread? I, too, would love to read them if possible.

thanks :-0

Meg

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2004
In reply to: shel0815
Wed, 10-13-2004 - 9:04pm
Actressdiva

What do I do when I broke up with my OM (he broke up with me) and I am separated from H? I feel like a fool and am a mess.

How could I have been so naive?

Beeya