"Feel Goods" and "Feel Bads"

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
"Feel Goods" and "Feel Bads"
11
Wed, 03-10-2010 - 10:30am

While all A's are really the same (deceitful, false and destructive) the motives for becomming involved may differ among us all. As so many have posted in EAS, part of the healing process involves analyzing why we got involved in the A in the first place. I think everyone would agree that the "Feel Goods" are what initially hooked us and the "Feel Bads" helped us realize we needed to get out.


I'm curious to know what some of your "Feel Goods" were and what your "Feel Bads" were/are. I think if we can identify the "Feel Goods" then we can work on finding healthier substitutes to achieve those same good feelings.


For me, the "Feel Goods" were knowing how much he desired me,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Wed, 03-10-2010 - 11:37am

I could have written your feel goods and feel bads word for word.

Put simply, xap gave me validation that I so needed at the time. Now I realize that validation comes from within myself. I don't need another person to make me feel good about myself.

And yes, the scaled back communication that came at the end, him not being there when I needed him most, and me finally realizing that this wasn't going anywhere- those were the feel bads that finally prompted me to end it. (Not to mention the escalating guilt I felt for living a double life).

Jane

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2007
Wed, 03-10-2010 - 1:42pm

Hmm, not so sure I want to revisit all that

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Wed, 03-10-2010 - 2:33pm

Good thread!


Feel Goods I got from A:


desirable


needed


valued opinion


self-worth (because he was risking his on-again off-again R with LIGF for ME!)

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2009
Wed, 03-10-2010 - 2:52pm

Hey ladies!....wanted to chime in on this one...For me he was pulling away more and more

BE the change that you want to see in the world! Life loves me and I love life! <3
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2009
Wed, 03-10-2010 - 3:02pm

I totally agree, GREAT THREAD!!!


E1, you are always so spot on. The same things that made me feel good at the begining are the same things the A took away at the end. The A gave me validation, a sense of appreciation and self worth. Little did I know that those were also the sacrifices of such a destructive mess.


And WOW did you hit me hard with: Men dont just pay prostitutes for sex because there are

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2009
Wed, 03-10-2010 - 3:06pm
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2009
Wed, 03-10-2010 - 3:24pm
>>This man mad me feel like the most alive, special, beautiful and important person in the world, and then he made me feel like the smallest dirtiest piece of crap possible.
---
I'm with you on that one. Never ever in my life man made me feel so unworthy and insignificant.
**Bloodied but unbowed**
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Wed, 03-10-2010 - 3:33pm

Alice, I remember your story and telling you what a paranoid little

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2009
Wed, 03-10-2010 - 3:41pm
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Wed, 03-10-2010 - 4:08pm

---I love it! Made me LOL.


If you run for office, I will move to your town and vote for you!!! I used a public forum and the community to build my strength after my xap and I had a d-day 20 years ago. I was absolutely ashamed and mortified for

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