Feel like I am drowning
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|Fri, 07-11-2014 - 6:39pm|
I'm new and have spent the last several days reading posts and spending time in the Healing Library but now I feel like I need to post my story and reach out for support. I can't do this alone.
My A ending about a week ago...suddenly and without explanation. It lasted several years. We were both married when it started but he already knew the end of his marriage was fast approaching. In the beginning we lived several states apart. However, once he was divorce, work brought him to my area and the A turned physical. Fast forward to last year...circumstance forced him to move away. We continued to talk almost every day and even see each other a couple of times. But 2 months ago he met someone else.
I knew it, he wouldn't confirm or deny it. Our daily talks continued despite the new relationship...until July 4th. All of sudden he's moving..the next day (owns property in 2 different states) and promises to call in a couple of days. He couldn't call me from the road. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out why. He also told me not to worry that he was always with me and would never push me away. I know he arrived safely. Other than that, I haven't heard from him.
I've done a lot of soul searching this week. I have soo many why questions but I know the answers don't really matter. I'm trying really hard to accept what has happened, knowing that I can't change it. That has acted like a life preserver for me...most of the time. But there are times like now where I feel like I am drowning in emotion, drowning in the "whys", I can feel the weight on my chest suffocating me. One little memory pops up and the life preserver falls off.
It's been 4 days since I've tried to contact AP. Last contact with him was a text asking how he was doing but he never replied. I hope I have the strength to continue. I just want the memories to stop invading my head and visions of what he's doing right now to leave me alone. I just can't believe I meant so much to him one day and then I was so easily tossed aside.
I am still married. As far as I know, he doesn't know about the A. The A distracted me from my marriage for years. I know I need to focus on my marriage and figure out what drove me to do this in the first place. I need to figure out "me".
Thank you for listening. I've never told anyone about my A until now.