feel like i have lost control of myself

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2004
feel like i have lost control of myself
3
Mon, 08-23-2004 - 9:54pm
I posted previously about the start of an affair with someone I work with. He's not married (but in a relationship), I am. I think I have lost all feeling for my H. We were having problems before the A and since it began, I've distanced myself from him a great deal. I feel like I am cheating on the OM just by kissing my H. At first we just kissed and met with each other after work, but last week things got really heated and we began having sex...he stopped it b'se he said if we were going to go any further he wanted it to be "right" (meaning when I'm no longer married).

I'm pushing my H away hoping he'll get sick of me and leave. He thinks I am going through serious depression and need help - He's not too far from the truth...if only I could tell him everything. All I do is think of OM, day and night, awake and in my dreams - he's all I want.

If it weren't for my 2 sons, I think I would probably leave my H. I've always thought cheating was SO HORRIFIC - I have never cheated in my life _UNTIL NOW. I can't think straight, I don't know what to do. Well, I know I should talk to OM and just end it, but I see him every day and I don't think I have ever wanted something/ someone so badly.

I know I am rambling, but my thoughts are so mixed up. I always thought I was in-control, rational and a sane person, but lately I feel so confused, so depressed, so angry...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Mon, 08-23-2004 - 10:05pm
HI MB

May I ask who your angry at and way your angry at them, is it yourself.

Affairs are by there nature very intense experiences you would be well advised not to make any life altering decisions well you are involved with this man, you should also bare in mind that you are involved with a man that is prepared to cheat on another woman that has given him her trust and love.

Consider IC to help orginize you thoughts and feelings, be truthfull with the C for maximum help.

Good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Mon, 08-23-2004 - 11:26pm
Please consider getting into therapy. You are seriously depressed and out of control. An affair will only make a much bigger mess of you, your life, your H, and your dear children. All of you deserve better than the tornado you're bringing into your life with this A.

Your behavior and sadness and cries for help tell me that you need professional help. This is not a slam -- I used therapy to help me recover from my affair 18 mos. ago. I was a mess too after 3.5 years in an A with an MM (I am a divorced mom of 2). Among other things -- I felt like I was falling apart, lots of self-hatred & depression & confusion and a biggie -- the idea of my teenage boys finding out drove me to get help.

I only had to go through about 3 mos of every other week therapy. This does not have to be a huge thing or involve medication, but do something now before you're in a real mess. Judges do not look kindly on spouses who have affairs when it comes to property division and child custody.

Good luck!! This site also helped save me so you're in a good place to start!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2004
Tue, 08-24-2004 - 11:20pm
I just left seeing OM at work...tonight it was if we were "just friends." I don't know if I'm starting to lose it - starting to get paranoid, but out of the blue I feel like he doesn't have "that" feeling he had for me only days before, something feels different somehow...Tomorrow I am calling my dr. for a RX or to set up an appt. with a counsler BUT tonight I am feeling like I am at an all time LOW. My stomach is in knots and I just want to cry uncontrollably. I don't know what to do - i just want to run FAR AWAY....

i sound nuts...i cannot believe this mess i have created!