Feel like I'm losing my H
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Feel like I'm losing my H
| Thu, 07-01-2010 - 10:54pm |
Today was the first day that I felt like my H was fading away from me.
| Thu, 07-01-2010 - 10:54pm |
Today was the first day that I felt like my H was fading away from me.
Moving -
I'm sorry you are hurting. I know your H is hurting, but the only thing you can do is trust that things are going to work out the way they are supposed to. I've read so many stories on this board about marriages getting stronger after the A. But just as you had no control over your XAP and his decisions, you don't have any control over your H and how he as to process all of this.
For your part, take it one day at a time and do all YOU can to repair yourself and your M.
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Maybe he will look at you in a different way, but not necessarily a bad way. Try to take the drama (for lack of a better word) out of what you are feeling. You didn't stab him in the heart, but you did hurt him. And you didn't ruin him. What you did was wrong, but as we all know, if there wasn't something lacking in our M, we wouldn't look elsewhere to fulfill it. What was lacking in your M? You said you were jealous of everyone's supportive H's. I'm sure those women will tell you that it wasn't that way at the beginning. Hang in there. Everything happens for a reason.
Bodhi
Hi Moving-
I am sorry you are feeling this way. Unfortunately it's one of the many consequences of engaging in an A, and I would hope that all of us, now standing on this side of the A, would not have engaged in an A if we would have known... all the pain, all the lost time, all of the consequences- losing a spouse being one of many for some.
I do know what you are going through- I had 3 DDays. After the 2nd one, my H left. I didn't know if he was coming back. I was so caught up in the fog of the A, that I didn't realize at the time all that I stood to lose if my H never came back. He did, but unfortunately I stayed in my A for several more months and we had a 3rd DDay. When we reached that point I thought for sure he'd leave and I never felt so much regret. The A was certainly not worth losing my H over. Of course, during the A, I convinced myself that my H and I were not right for each other in order to justify my bad behavior. The moment I ended my A for good, I knew that I had been blinded my the fog and that I wanted nothing more than for my M to work. Luckily, my H felt the same way- he forgave me and we've been rebuilding our M ever since (a little over 5 months). It's been hard. I've forced myself to be open and honest with him about everything- which is certainly not easy for him- but he's helping me through all of that and our M is better now that it has ever been.
I know that my H is the exception and not the rule. He didn't want to hold onto the anger, so he let
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Thank you for the motivation.
I'm still new to the end of my A, but I am writing to give you strength for NC.
Do you desire to contact xAP for emotional support bc H has moved out? Do you want to have the A start up again? You are physically far away from xAP so you can't meet him, but what do you hope to gain from contacting him? You said he never treated you badly, but I'm concerned if you contact him and your H finds out, he will truly walk away from your M.
Please don't contact xAP. Give it the 48 hour test. Write out a list of reasons why to contact him and put it away. Take out in 2 days and see if you still believe they are valid reasons to contact him.
Good luck. Amazing board with amazing women.
MovingON
I am certainly no expert here, but I have been on both sides of the A and can tell you that he is looking for the woman that you used to be. He wants the one he married. He wants the one he is comfortable with. He wants the old you.
You changed when you made the decision to become a partner in a A.
He is afraid of you now. Trust has been broken. You have to gather all you have to prove that you can be trusted again. The worst part of D day.
"Ratherbeme" is not a smart-ass moniker that I use. I want to be "ME". The old "ME".
We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.
MO50,
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I know I can't and won't contact XAP.
moving, your husband said "if you can't let him go". Does your husband think you still have feelings for your xAP? Are you discussing the sexual attraction you had to xAP?
It sounds like he wants the marriage to work, but also wants to make
sure you want it as well. I think you have to everything in your power to prove to him you want it. I'm not so sure I'd want my husband knowing every little thought I had about xAP - good or bad. The more info he has, the more he has to struggle with. Sometimes, there are things we have to keep to ourselves. You might have to fake it til you make it. I can promise you, if you really want the marriage, then in time, it does come back. BTDT.
Sounds like your husband is reaching out to you, and you for what ever reason are not taking the invite.
You can do what ever you want to do. You have to pursue him. YOU have to get fired up.
You have to make the effort. Not fifty percent, or seventy five percent, but what ever it takes to make him think that you are his, and his alone. It won't be easy.
Most of us have BTDT. Time is not on your side right now. If he is a good man, there will be someone else there to pick up the pieces, and right now he is
We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.
Hello Movingfwd-
It certainly does sound like your H is reaching out to you. If you want your M to work, you have to reach back. When I ended my A, my H asked me how he would ever forget that he is #2 behind xap. I made it my mission from that day forward to prove it to him. Thoughts of xap are still with me today, even after 5 months, but I pushed myself to invest in my M. This is where the fake it till you make it comes in. Think of him first. Do nice things for him. And talk openly about the situation as much as possible so that no secrets remain. If he thinks you still are hiding things from him, things will never be fixed. This is not easy. You are mourning, but you must take action. Your A is ended. Don't let it control you any longer. You may think of xap, but you have to act as if your H is the most important person in the world- act that way until you both believe it.
Hugs,
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/