feel like my M is ending now :(
Find a Conversation
feel like my M is ending now :(
| Wed, 08-18-2010 - 9:30am |
hi :)
Since i last posted regarding my own situation i have stuck rigidly to LC with XAP. I say LC because i have to work side by side with him.

I was just like your DH before my A. I had 0 desire to have s*x with my DH. He begged and pleaded with me all the time. We had s*x once a month when I would finally give in. My DH ended up having an A before I had one. I couldn't blame him so when I snooped and found out that he was having once I somewhat felt relieved (looking back at my attitude I just want to slap myself). Well eventually as I thought he was developing feelings for his XAP and pulling away from me and not asking, I sought out my own A, really just for spite. I picked the man and degraded myself totally for my XAP. My DH and I are rebuilding our M now and it has never been this good. We have created a new M and I have been in T for a while to help me with my issues. I'm telling you this because I really think you should sit your DH and tell him that you are having desires for other men. I think if my DH would have told me that he needed attention and love from his W otherwise he would get it elsewhere it would haven awaken me out of my emotional shutdown. An A is never the answer.
thanks mom :)
I had said those things to him so many times even before my A started. I wasn't threathing him with it or anything like that i just used to say that one of us is going to end up looking else where because its human nature to want attention and s*x. I never once thought that would actually happen. Ive told him how great it feels when other men pay me attention and that even when his friends pay me attention it feels good. So yesterday i told him once again that i cant promise that i wont end up falling for someone else because I just cant go on with no s*x in a relationship. I told him him that if he has issues we can work on them together. I am so open minded about s*x nothing phases me.
I totally agree cheating is not the answer....i know only to well how bad it is.
Gal,
Im so sorry to hear that you H wont address this with you. I cant speak for other women but for me...being desired and wanted is paramount. I know that passion doesnt last but the connection should. Intimacy is a huge part of a M and its not just a matter of not enough sex, its a matter of that connection, that glue that holds a M together.
E1 has a great thread about intimacy...you should read it.
What are your thoughts on M counseling?? Would your H be willing to go with you? Id hate to see you come so far, heal from your A only to have your M hanging on by a thread.
Please keep me posted and I am praying for you.
GMLB
Gal...have you ever checked out this "Mismatched Libidos" ivillage site?
hi gmlb
I totally agree. I feel the same. Being desired by my H is so important to me.
We did do MC before and it did help some what. Hes not very open when it comes to talking about s*x so this opened him up a small bit. But we just keep going around in circles all the time. Things improve i get really hopeful and positive then things fall back the way they were. He is willing to try anything now so I think I'll give it once last shot...lol dont know how many times ive said that.
I think the problem between us too is that he doesn't actually have a problem with it. Hes happy to go without it or very little. So when I talk to him about this he sees me as nagging. I have tried so many different ways of approaching him but its never the right approach or right time according to him.
Maybe i got through to him yesterday. I told him how i was starting question my own sanity as it was on my mind constantly and that i was considering going to the doctor for depression tablets as I am just so sick and tired of it getting me down. Its just how i feel right now :( I just dont know how much more i can give. I give so much more in other areas of our M too. I take care of him very well and I am always there to support him in everything that he does. I am always on ear if he has a problem. He rings me about 20 times a day lol.
Hes looking up herbel suppliments at the moment for increasing libido. Have you any thoughts or heard anything about this method? I just dont know how these will help him look at me in a s*xual way. I mean i either do it for him or I dont. Plus this is not just a phase for him he has always been like this.
Gal,
I too had carried the weight of my M on my own shoulders so I understand completely. My H didnt really step up to the plate till it got bad enough for me to threaten to leave. And Gal, let me tell you...it got pretty bad. Here I was recovering from an A and was confused about the direction of my M so I just folded and decided to deal with one thing at a time....ending the A and going NC. After awhile things got much better with DH but its a constant work in progress.
Plus, I wont lie....antidepressants helped....A LOT! I was on one prior to my A anyway but as soon as it ended I asked if we could up the dose and it has certainly been effective.
I hope that you got through to him. There is a book that has been recommended on here before called..The 5 different love languages. I havent read it but I did look it up online and read the summary. Its important for me to be appreciated and desired, for my H, he could care less. What he wants is affirmations and reassurance. He saw what I needed as pointless when in fact appreciation and desire for me is like air in my lungs. For my H, his needs are just as foreign to me and being the strong type A person that I am...reassurance isnt really my forte. But we have spent a lot of time discussing how hard it is to love someone in the way they feel it rather than the way we give it. Its only natural to care for someone how you would want to be cared for but when you have different ways or expressing and accepting that love needs dont get met.
I hope the best for you and dont count your H out just yet. Guys sometimes need a wake up call before they can fully asertain the severity of a situation. They are quite passive and will wait till a point of no return before kicking into gear.
GMLB