Feeling Anxious and Sad. :( Why why why!
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| Thu, 02-10-2011 - 12:16pm |
Well, I am going on month of the end of A with my boss. It's been really difficult. The first week, I was very strong and happy. This week has been shaky. I am happy its over but I also miss the attention. He is super nice to me and been really attentive and just trying to be a friend. Which LC is working an not working, its almost impossible with my position in this company and my working relationship with him.
Today, I am nervous, antsy, and sad. I woke up wanting to ask him why or when are we going to talk about stuff. Which I know its wrong and I won't do it. I am just being honest, I know its wrong, I am glad its over, I know what my issues are, I know the triggers etc.
I was in his office this morning and his W stopped by. She was happy to see me and complimented me about how amazing I looked. Oh it was ackward for me, it made me sad. He patted my back after she left. I wanted to cry because I felt so freaking sorry for myself.
I am glad that he is not being a jerk to me and I have managed to be very composed and kept my mouth shut. I will get through this but its hard. I miss him and I feel rejected but I know its not about me. I never knew it was going to be such a struggle to be ok and normal again.

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That being said - I'm proud you haven't given in to ask the Why's - there is no answer that will make things better - NOT ONE. Take strength as this next week or so will be tougher than you think as the fog continues to lift and you question a lot of things. YOU have power in this. YOU ARE amazing - and while it was awkward for you, in time it WILL get better!
I miss the attention, too - but, I continue to dress and look pretty for ME. I can look in the mirror again without feeling shame and guilt. It is SO worth it!
Hi HC,
I think you are doing a wonderful job, it has to be very difficult to work every day with your exAP.
Thank you everyone for the encouraging words. I know that it will take some time to basically retrain my mind and get over the addiction part of it. I am glad that he is being so sweet to me but it also kills me because he was never that attentive to me before our big blow out. I know the whole thing was wrong to begin with but I wished we had talked more openly about things years ago because it would have saved me a lot of damage. I just had no idea how he felt, why he was involved with me, and how much I meant to him. I know he is not mine and never was and that whole thing was wrong but still. It makes me sad.
Ok I am about to cry now. I am not sure why I am crying, I don't know why I feel a sense of loss.
oh, honey, you feel a sense of loss because you DID lose something - wrong as it may have been, it is still a loss of something that meant a great deal to you.
I am not proud to admit that I made a complete a** out of myself and managed to put myself in a situation where I was rejected by him. Oh my god, I am so mad at myself, and shaking. First of all, everyone, I am sure you are all upset and disapointed at me, I am so sorry. Secondly, why the hell would I throw myself at him, and allow him to reject me? What is wrong with me? Why do I have such a need for his affection and why did I misread his friendliness as an invitation and why would I even go there? I feel like slipped back 4 weeks. He said why can't you just relax and stop reading into things so much. Why can't you just be and enjoy being friends. This would be a lot of easier if I didn't have to see him 8 hours a day. I made a total fool out of myself not to mention its all wrong to begin with.
Why am i feeling this way? Why would I go there again? Why would I throw myself and feel that its rejection, when its wrong to begin with and even if something had happened it would still make me feel like crap afterwards.
I know I am responsible for my own actions and this is all about me and my issues I know this. But I do think he is playing with my emotions and he is in charge and it strokes his ego. What is wrong with me? Why can't I look in the mirror and see that I am a wonderful gorgeous girl and I have a great life. Why do I need something so wrong and dirty to make me feel beautiful for 5 minutes?
Sweetie, i am not going to add-on - you are doing a good job beating yoursefl up.
I wavered 3X in the less than 2 Weeks.
That is exactly what I am struggling with, why isn't my husbands affection and kindess enough? Why do I need this and what caused me to slip today? I want to kick myself! It's like ahhhhhh you dumb girl, what the hell is wrong with you. I have no idea. No idea. Thank you for your reply, this board is really my rock.
HC,
We are not disappointed in you, but for you.
I don't have anything to add that hadn't already been stated by the amazing posters before me ... only, that NO one is responsible for YOUR happiness and wellbeing except YOU. If you look to others to fulfill you, you'll never feel grounded or secure. YOU will run toward whomever is giving you feel-goods regardless of who they are, and the long term consequences.
And do not get within an arms reach of him ... his pat to you on your back? YUCK. You gotta send off stronger professional vibes ... like you are wrapped in barbed wire kinda vibes. He has no right to touch you.
Make that CLEAR by YOUR actions. HOLD you head high in dignity. Even engaging with W is a no no beyond basic politeness.
Dust yourself off, learn from where you went wrong, and begin again tomorrow. This isn't something that you get to quit on - YOU do not get to give up on yourself.
Much Care,
TU.
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