feeling awful-what kind of person am i?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2010
feeling awful-what kind of person am i?
5
Fri, 08-27-2010 - 2:27pm

guys,

i'm having a moment. i know we're not bad people, but i'm really feeling self loathing right now. i had posted something on the "all sides" board some time ago, trying to understand the BS's experience, wanting to express that as an OW, I thought a lot about his wife and about how i could do that to another woman, that i felt awful, and that i wondered what the BS's thought about the other woman.

so i got a lot of responses, most of them very thoughtful, and one that was absolutely cutting. basically telling me that i suck, how could i do this to another woman, the BS probably wants me dead, i should be disgusted with myself, does my husband know what a horrible woman he married, what kind of person am i, etc etc. she went on to say that she occassionally reads EAS and finds us all to be whiny and pathetic because we invaded somebody else's marriage and are then acting like victims. so then i started reading a thread about how the BS forgives the OW, and many of them posted that they are trying to let go of their hatred for OW, but that theyc onsider the OW's to be amoral, selfish and reckless.

OUCH. maybe i'm just feeling particularly sensitive (which i have been lately), but i started thinking about all of this, about how my AP's wife saw me eating lunch with her H, about how much she must hate me, about how i could do this to another woman, about all the betrayed spouses out there and how much they must hate all of us for screwing their lives up, and i just want to crawl into a hole and die. i feel like i've incurred enough bad karma to last the next five lifetimes; i feel like im the most horrible person on the planet.

okay. dramatic i know. in my head, i know this is untrue. i know that my AP made his choices to betray his wife. i know that i was not a passive participant in that, but he bears the lion's share of responsibility to her. but taking her out of the equation, i still feel like i just put so much negativity into the world by sinking to the level of, well, being such a freaking scumbag.

what does it take to forgive ourselves and let go?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
Fri, 08-27-2010 - 3:03pm

what does it take to forgive ourselves and let go?


It takes time. I too felt, and sometimes still do feel like a monster for betraying my M vows, even though my DH also cheated but you know what, we are not bad ppl. The very fact that you are feeling bad about what you have done shows that you are a good person who lost her way. Sociopathic ppl don’t feel bad about hurting other ppl. You are not a sociopath. My T told me that ppl who are betrayed go through worse feelings than those ppl who have had a death of an immediate family member. She said that they suffer PTSD. It was an eye-opener for me because I hurt when I found out about my DH betrayal but because I had up my wall it wasn't that bad. I have a friend who went through her DH having an A and she had a nervous breakdown. With that said, stop reading the BS board for a while. Those women over there are going through h*ll. I think the biggest part is that the OW is an unknown to them. Someone who threatened the security of everything they loved and yet they have no idea who she is (KWIM?). I think it's the fear of the unknown. You were hidden in her life but yet you were a danger to her sharing something that only she should have had (her DH). I know that the OW feels pain when the A ends but realistically she signed up for the pain while the BS was blindsided. Many women believe they have a good M and them bam, they find out someone else is sleeping with their H.


The greatest thing you can do is live an honest and truthful life from today forward. Make a commitment to yourself to be honorable. You can't change the past but you can shape your future. Make a promise to stay away from MM until he gets a D and please don't ever let another MM talk you into coming into their M home. It’s not only his home but another woman has worked hard for that home. I don't know if you are a religious person but I know prayer has helped me tremendously. As long as you don't continue repeating the same bad mistakes this will get better for you. I wish you peace.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2010
Fri, 08-27-2010 - 3:20pm

I just want to give you a hug right now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2010
Fri, 08-27-2010 - 3:23pm

thanks mmmmb (you need a nickname!). i did not realize that you had also experienced a betrayal, and i am very sorry for that. you are right that the BS's on the all sides board are going through hell, and they dont know who their OW is so they're really lashing out. i cannot imagine what my AP's wife went through, because i was the 2nd woman he cheated with, and they have a young baby.

you are also right that we in the affair are the only ones who know the truth, and we know we have signed up to be in a twisted situation. the BS has no clue, and no matter what my AP tells her, she's not going to believe him because he's been lying for so long. so, it is not only the betrayal by another woman, but also feeling lied to and deceived for so long. i cannot imagine if she will ever be able to trust again.

thank you for telling me i am not a monster. i know that because i feel guilty and am trying to atone, i am not a sociopath. i know that i have good, redeeming qualities, and that before engaging in this affair, i was a very upstanding woman (never even had a speeding ticket!). i know that i'll be okay if i keep to being good from here on out. i'll never make up for what happened, but i can try to turn over a new leaf.

it was just so harsh reading that woman's post about how what an amoral piece of crud i was. i mean, i dont need anybody else making me feel bad about myself. but i guess the fact is, i did this horrible thing, and feeling horrible about it is part of the bargain.

thanks for your support :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2010
Fri, 08-27-2010 - 3:29pm

pinky, you hit the nail dead on the head. i AM trying to punish myself. i'm looking for absolution from other BS's because i cant get it from the woman i personally betrayed. the fact is, i need absolution from myself, and thats all i can do.

i think i am trying to punish myself because i feel like i "got away with it" and its not fair. my AP has lost everything. his W is divorcing him and taking full custody of their child. my H believes i had an emotional affair, and while rebuilding trust is giong to be a challenge for us, i haven't caused any irrevocable damage. my H and i were having lots of problems before the A, and with counseling and good conversations, he's starting to see a lot of the ways in which his behavior pushed me away and hurt me.

so, that said, i feel like there's hope for me and for us. and i dont feel like i deserve it. but, the truth is, i am suffering. i'm harboring a great deal of guilt and self loathing. so thats my punishment. why am i abusing myself even more? i gotta stop this self flaggelation and find a healthier way of coming to terms with my mistakes.

thanks ladies :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2010
Fri, 08-27-2010 - 3:34pm
Your first paragraph above said it way better than I did and that's EXACTLY what I meant!