Feeling like the "bad person"
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| Thu, 06-02-2005 - 10:19pm |
Well..several days ago.(13 to be exact) Just like that, total cold turkey I put my communication with XMM to a halt for good. I guess right now I'm feeling like the bad person of this pair because of.. no reason was given to him for the ending, no closure, no goodbye's. In the past when we would go down this road, he would come barreling back into my life after just a few days, telling me how much his heart hurts and how much he needed me in his life, etc and I fell back into the vicious cycle we had going. This time was different. For some reason, I think he knew it was over. He has not contacted me at all, and even tho it hasn't been very long, I don't think he will. (I'm sure most here will disagree).
I care for him very much, but I don't have the "love" feelings that I used to. Because I finally came to realize that I am not a priority in his life. Never will be. Regardless of how many times he came crawling back, begging and pleading and professing his unconditional love for me. He has things & people in his life that are important and he makes time for these things and people. And I guess doesn't care to see that he wanted me when it was convenient. We have not a Sex for several years, mostly he was emotionally attached I think.
I was telling myself that maybe he will come to realize that he really, really, does love me, then I stop and laugh, and think no he won't. I don't want him to and I don't want this affair anymore.
Why do I feel like the bad person for walking away like I did, when really I did the RIGHT thing??? Boy , I sure hope I shake this feeling fast. I'm sure he is not still asking himself what happened to us.

I might be wrong and someone else will probably have a better explanation but the only thing I can think of is the little part of you that was "use" to him needing you is feeling like you've abandoned him, which is so far from the truth because he OBVIOUSLY doesn't rely THAT greatly on you or he'd be in a hospital or jail cell but he's not... he's still living HIS life... and maybe you beating yourself up makes you feel like you need to run back and be there for him... in the little 1/16 of an existent capacity that he allowed you to be... but how strong and self confident you are to realize you deserve better - or even if you aren't looking for better - you realize he doesn't deserve to get to experience sunshine's goodness and love when he offers so LITTLE in return. Save it for someone who deserves it - or give it to yourself... which it sounds like you're doing and I applaud you for believing in yourself enough to get out!
I admire you!
Fresh
>"Why do I feel like the bad person for walking away like I did, when really I did the RIGHT thing??? "<
Because your a Woman, every instinct you have is to care and nurture, what your instincts can't understand is that is what you have done for everyone involved by ending it.
You did do the right thing, don't allow yourself to stop believing that.
Free
I'm in the same boat as you. Did the cold turkey thing myself. Didn't explain, didn't fight, just stopped contact. And yes, I do wonder if that makes me a horrible person. But I can't dwell on that now. I have to do what I need to do for me in order to break this cycle. I was the only one who cared. I wasn't worth his time and effort and the only reason this went on as long as it did was because I kept it on life support.
Whenever I feel bad about it, I just remember how I felt on the various times that he blew me off with not so much as a phone call.
Deep down I know you may fear him trying to contact you as much as you may fear how you'd fare if he doesn't. Either way it's a hard road. Maybe people here would disagree, but they don't always come back. Mine never questioned where I went and it's been a month. That should (and does) say a lot. And I'd be lying if I didn't say that hurt too. But that's just my pride talking. I know I'm better off. You are too.
yes...i always cringe a little when i read on here that "dont worry..they will try to contact you so be prepared for that".
They dont always try to recontact. Yes, its ok to prepare your mind for *if* they do...but that should only be a brief thought. They don't always contact back.
Sometimes... actually...in reality....MOST OF THE TIME ....RELATIONSHIPS END. Period, end of story....END.
Its just usually then end after a back and forth back and forth thing. Most, if having done the back and forth thing...at some point...people, either out of pride or pure acceptance or out of never wanting to ever have that conversation again or the love chemicals get time to disappate or someone new in someone's life has replaced them or you...or some just muster some dignity.....it can be easier and sometimes...very necessary for someone to never call again.
It doesnt have to be a "hospital or jail" choice for someone who is unceremoniously dumped..so go off...in the shock...or just quiet desparation and live their lives...mourning or not...but can do it...without the outward histrionics made known to the dumper. Believe me I know. . ...i am sure many of us do.
But you are commended for trying to not feed the beast of this relationship any longer. You may feel guilt. Thats ok...shows you have human ...and humane....emotions. I would worry if you didn't feel a lil guilt.
Guilt didn't stop my xMM from doing what he did...his life goes on rosier than ever (soon to be divorced and with the person he dumped me for). I am glad now...he is her problem...i really do feel i dodged a bullet. I hope he feels something...otherwise he is the sociopath. Either way...it doesnt matter ........anymore...I am not in a relationship with him....and my life has to go on. ::gripping to that fact...and remembering why I should be happy he is gone:::
relationships do end...there was a time in our lives before we met someone...we have to remember that although people impact our lives...we lived before them and we do after. It helps to take them off the pedestal and put yourself up in that spot.
Lizzie
Well..several days ago.(13 to be exact) Just like that, total cold turkey I put my communication with XMM to a halt for good. <<<>>>
**Terri**
You are not alone, I certainly feel that my *guilt* kept me in the A much longer.
Hey Sunshine,
I know just how you feel about being the "bad" one. I did the same thing. Ended it with no real explanations, just an email saying "I'm gone". We had already ended the A and were trying to go the "friendship" route again. No way was I gonna do that again! I felt bad sometimes, like I should try to contact him and make him try to understand why I did what I did, but in the end what would it matter?
In my situation, I had initiated NC several times in the last month of the A. It would last a day or two. By the time I sent that final email, he knew I meant it.I think we were both tired of it - the back and forth - and I have never heard from him again. That was over 5 months ago. So, no they don't always come back. I guess it depends on the AP. I know without a doubt I'll never hear from mine again. He's too much like me, and if he had sent the email I sent him, there is no way in h*ll I would contact him again!
Fotunately we now live at opposite sides of a big city so I don't have to worry about our paths crossing, and we don't work together either.
You and your xMM could be at the same point, tired of the back and forth, and if he knows you mean it this time, you could be one of the lucky ones that never hear another word.
Owl