Feeling better than I thought...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2004
Feeling better than I thought...
4
Tue, 02-08-2005 - 2:07pm

I'm feeling better than I thought I would today. I guess for me, the A was already over in my head before I started NC. I haven't been with xMM for 3 weeks anyway, just talking on the phone, so I'm not dying like I thought I might. I'm also lucky that I got to have a whole conversation with xMM about my decision so I feel like I had the "closure" many of us want. And we ended on good terms, nothing ugly.

Don't get me wrong- I miss him already. It's just that I thought I'd be crying for days, and I cried only yesterday. That's it. (Could be the meds I'm on, LOL) I know that there's the possibility that I will start to feel worse as time goes by without talking to him, but I think I'm going to handle it okay this time. I'm starting T on Friday, so I hope to find out what made me think it was okay to sleep with someone else's husband, and hopefully work to fix that so I can go on to be part of a healthy adult relationship, whether it be my H in the end, or someone new.

I actually turned my cell phone off today. And (can you believe this?) I have NOT replayed yesterday's phone conversation in my head a hundred times like usual. In fact, there's not a lot about it that I care to dwell on. I am just ready to move on with my life.

I still have to see xMM at work once in a while, but I know for sure that it will be over 3 weeks until I work with him again. Like Free says, 21 days of breaking old habits should make seeing him again less of a heartache.

To any of you hurting right now, I have to tell you, I feel FREE. I am not feeling the pain I thought I would. I actually feel better now than I have many times during the A. I just got sick of hurting and obsessing over someone I was never going to end up with anyway. Plus, you really do get a kick of self-esteem when you stop doing something you know is wrong that you've been rationalizing all this time.

Hugs to all-

Breathe

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
Tue, 02-08-2005 - 3:26pm

Yeay for you and for me, and for whomever else is moving on and showing progress!

<< I guess for me, the A was already over in my head before I started NC.>>

Makes a big difference when you realize this.

<>

I, too, said what needed to be said. If I didn't say my peace, it would make it 10x harder to get past this.

<>

Good for you :) Hold your head high as you do what's right for YOU and look at it as just a chapter in your life that you're now moving past.

<< I know that there's the possibility that I will start to feel worse as time goes by without talking to him, but I think I'm going to handle it okay this time.>>

There will be good days, great days, then some sad days too. I keep fooling myself when I'm having a few care-free days that I'm over it. Then out of the blue, it hurts again. It's a process, keep remembering that.

<>

My kick of self-esteem came when I refused to keep giving him what he needed out this A, when I wasn't getting what I needed. I felt that as long as he was still able to meet me for lunch and call me, he was getting what he wanted. Once I stopped it, I felt better that now he's not having his cake, and getting me too :)

There's IS a definate satisfaction over YOU being the one to say "you had your chance to make things right with me, now this is how it's going to be from now on".

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2004
Tue, 02-08-2005 - 7:21pm

Thanks, Hurtpup. Even though I'm doing okay today, I know there will be some hard days ahead. It's nice to have someone tell you, "Good job! Keep it up. It's the right thing."

<<>>

I felt this way too! He said he couldn't see me because it was hard for him, but he wanted to keep talking to me. I said talking to him was hard for me. So I know, whatever he was getting from the A, talking to me was still satisfying it for him. I was getting nothing from it anymore, so I did have that thought of taking away his "cake."

One more thing helps me stay focused, even though it's a tad mean-spirited. When we started the A, he was already on-line in "married but looking" chat rooms. He was already bored and dissatisfied at home before I came along. I provided his "escape" for the last six months. I am going to go to T and become a healthier person and a better partner for someone. He is going to go back to his old life and back to being bored and dissatisfied. But I know that whether he does or not is really none of my concern.

The day is almost over and I made it through with NC. And no crying. I'm proud of myself and looking forward to cuddling on the couch with my kids and watching some American Idol fluff TV!

-Breathe

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
Wed, 02-09-2005 - 9:29am

Hi again Breathe..hope you are still feeling good today :)

<>

Same with my XMM. I've noticed him going into his chatrooms again lately, and although my first reaction is annoyance over him obviously HAVING to have this type of outside stimulation or whatever it is he gets from it, I then say out loud to myself something to the effect.."he can do what he wants, he's not your boyfriend, let him go". And I then go find something constructive to do with myself. Let me say though, I wasn't always like that. I used to retaliate to 'get even' and go into chat rooms too. I realized that was counter-productive, and really not what I wanted.

What I WANT and NEED, is to feel indifferent to whatever it is he does. So whether it be a chatroom, or a new girlfriend, I want to get the point in my own recovery where it just doesn't matter. I don't think I'm there yet, but it's definately getting easier.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2005
Wed, 02-09-2005 - 8:02pm


It's very, very nice to see posts where 2 of you are feeling improvement. I am very new to all of this and first had difficulty reading the messages on this board because many of those I read were still so full of pain. I needed to move away from the pain some and see progress.

It has only been a short time for me - I had the pleasure (NOT) of conversing with he and his wife just a few days ago. I chose to answer her questions because it seems it is the right thing to do. It was extremely painful, especially when he was openly lying.

I don't know if it hurts more now because I really love him and miss him or because I more clearly realize how wrong it was.

However I am determined to move forward and work on myself rather than let this mistake consume me.

Can I ask how you decided on a therapist? And everyone seems to know the 'rules'...are they posted anywhere?

Again, thanks for posting positive news.