Feeling confused..help me out here

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2004
Feeling confused..help me out here
15
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 5:55pm
I posted a while back in regards to trying to end my email correspondance with a MM. It wasn't one of those situations where this man is a stranger. I have known him my entire adult life. I never believed in "love at first sight", however, since the first time I saw him (I was married back then-not now), I have had this unexplainable attraction to him that I can't seem to shake. I made the mistake of contacting him a few years ago via email and that was it....we have played with each other (guess you call that playing it safe) ever since. He have had lunch together a few times but have always managed to keep our boundries in sight. We make a point to never discuss feelings and always have kept it light hearted. He never shared what he thought about me and I never asked perhaps out of fear of his answer. Maybe because it made it easier to keep it within the boundries. However, it is evident that everytime I have tried NC (without success I might add) he didn't want me to go away.

I am mainly a lurker on these boards so I can read and learn from the pain everyone is experiencing. I was at one time the wife who was betrayed, so I know that pain as well. Having been through that, I thump myself on the head knowing I have no right to feel anything for this man....just can't help it. I also am a firm believer that "feeling are just feeling. It is how we act or react to those feeling that ultimately matters".

I am single and not dating anyone and haven't for quite some time so I understand the theories on these boards about this filling a big fat whole in life. It has been so much fun and I really longed for each day when we would correspond.

We were joking one day about a particular dress style and going to lunch and I would wear that dress. I said I don't own a dress like that one. He said go buy one and I will pay for it. This is where it gets wierd. I had this fleeting moment of sheer joy. This man I am so crazy about wanted to buy me this dress and he wanted have lunch with me again. Remember, this is the man who has always been clear on where the line is.

I toyed with him about the dress, then made it clear that I might have lunch but he could never buy me that dress.

I already know that I was toast have been too emotionally attached to what ever it is called that we were doing. It seemed his longing for correspondance with me became more frequent over time and after the dress incident, I wonder if he was experiencing the same thing.

Last week on the 17th, I sent him one final email stating all that is true which included of the following not word for word.

1) I actually said I am crazy about him

2) I had no right contacting him 2.5 yrs ago.

3) We have taken this as far as it can go

4) I can't do this anymore...it's just too frustrating.

5) Please don't be angry with me

6) Thank you for all the fun.

7) He was my hero.

As I have mentioned, I have tried NC in the past but it didn't work because we always avoided sharing feeling and what was really going here. Nobody wants to admit what the are doing is wrong. I figured that if I tried a new approach, he would run. So far haven't heard a word.

OK everyone...tell me what I want to hear. lol

He understand, I didn't crush him and will have withdrawls also.

Please don't think I am clueless because a physical affair never happened. I now know the anticipation of being with someone you long for is very unforgiving also.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 7:17pm
I'm not sure exactly what it is you want to hear ;) but I think you absolutely are doing the right thing! I think you are very wise to have confronted the situation. You are not clueless. It sounds like you really were becoming involved in an emotional affair, and it sounds like you are getting out before it gets out of hand; I think that's smart. In my opinion, the physical stuff is easy to get over; it's the emotional stuff that's hard!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 8:51pm
I agree on all points, I would add that I thinki once you let it go beyond Emotional the emotions only get deeper
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 7:40am
thinkingtomuch~

I had to come out of lurkdom to post to you....as your situation is VERY similar to mine (the length, the type of contact, the setting of boundaries , the not discussing of true feelings), him spelling out that he was NOT going to have an affair , we tried numerous times at NC and always broke it because we never really discussed our feelings). I just ended it in January....after a pretty intense meeting and IC...but I realized that it was never going to be what I "wanted" it to be and what I wanted was pretty damn selfish, not in my character, and more a manifestation of the baggage I continue to carry with me.

Here's the thing....once you begin to have "romantic" feelings for someone, its hard to revert back to the "just friends" thing...its ALWAYS in the back of your head. And the things that you liked about him aren't going to change. You guys might have a wonderful chemistry, like my exMM and I did, but truth be told...it doesn't matter--he's married. Its extremely difficult to undo the feelings that you have for him...no doubt about that. But TRUST ME, if you continue this...it will be so, so, so much worse.

Save yourself the heartache, depression, obsession, psychosis (lol!) and all the dr's bills that will come from pursuing it any further. He's probably struggling right now with his feelings...but that's his stuff. If he is unhappy in his marriage, in any way, he has two options: fix it or leave it. You play no part in that (or rather, you SHOULDN'T!)

I still miss my exMM...there is a dull ache in my heart, that will probably exist for a while....but I also believe that God had a plan for bringing him into my life when He did...but I also have to recognize it was more about a reason, then it was for a lifetime thing.

big hugs

dharma

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2004
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 11:48am
Thanks for all the words of wisdom. It is easy to second guess ourselves in these situations. I have always thought and even told MM at one point that I do not what to be the source of his regret. I also know that if we were to crack and take it to the next level, I would eventally be that...his regret. Him thinking highly of me is important to me, more so than me being the other women. I do wonder if I made a complete fool of myself for putting my feeling out on the table and running... or if him being a man even understands. I suppose the good thing about me putting my feelings on the table made me vulnerable and now I feel embarressed about what me must think of me. That alone will give me strenght to not hit that little send button anymore.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 6:18pm


You were not foolish you were BOTH BRAVE AND SMART, well done.

F

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 6:32pm
Never had a physical A either. I don't think it matters. You can ache and yearn and feel pain over the relationship you never had. Sometimes, i think it's worse.

My A started via email too, then it was phone calls, then visits to my house for take in lunches. We communicated daily dozens of times. Most of that has stopped now and it hurts.

He is probably shaken by your email and needs some time to "process it." At least that is what my XMM told me that last time i ended it (last july). It took him a month or more to figure out what he wanted to say.

It's hard. Hang in there. He cares, he loves you, he probably misses you like crazy--and he's probably scared to death.

Clarice

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2004
Tue, 03-30-2004 - 5:11pm
Feeling weak today...somebody remind me why I am maintaining NC.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
Wed, 03-31-2004 - 12:23pm
i try and do NC and it never works, partly because i still have work and neighborhood connections with my XMM. Until i break those, NC will never work for me.

So why are you doing it? I've read over and over here it is the only way. These As were like drugs to us--we all needed to feel better, to feel loved, to feel desired--and i know you can't stop an addiction to anything, if you have whatever you are addicted to still in your life.

How many days? How is it going?

Clarice

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2004
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 5:32pm
Im bumping this up for a some much needed support. I broke NC and sent a joke thru. I know he got it because I received a read receipt. He didn't reply. I should see this as a good thing because he has honored my wishes to stop. What I feel is:

Much regret because I didn't have the strength to stay away.

Very embarressed because he blew me off after sharing some pretty intimate stuff over 2 years.

Would someone please reassure the that it isn't just us women who struggle with this. I don't want to believe men are that cold.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 5:41pm
Whomp! That's your little whack on the head for breaking NC.... Now, put it behind you! :)

Listen. Who hasn't broken down and done something like that at some point?? Don't beat yourself up. I did something very similar about a month ago and that is what brought me to this board in the first place. I broke NC, and was feeling very bad about not getting any response. Thank god I found this place! Something good DOES come out of every mistake! When I eventually did get the response, a week later, I was much better equipped to handle it because of this board.

I *know* these guys struggle with this as much as we do, but perhaps they deal with it differently. Your x is probably feeling confused to hear from you at all, but you may have opened a door you really would rather keep closed. So, stay strong! :)

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