Feeling crappy once again...... :(
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Feeling crappy once again...... :(
| Tue, 03-16-2010 - 5:10pm |
I am feeling frustrated, down and am struggling again. The A is OVER and has been for about 3 months now (we still small talk about stuff, give each other those looks, or at least he does me from time to time, there is still some flirting that takes place and I will be leaving here in a few months (we work together) which he knows and it was said my last week here we should/want to be together one last time I then said I can’t, just can’t). So the A is over but I feel myself regressing back and I don’t want to, I was doing so good, I was so strong, now all the emotions are crumbling down on me again.

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lifeisgood -
I have some thoughts - if they don't influence your actions, you may understand them better.
I see having an affair as an analogy to being an alcoholic.
Brighterdays09 and magenta2010 –
Let me preface by saying I am not sure I could do any better and may even have to leave my job if I had to see xap every day.
Thank you, lol, I love how you said he is “just a man”!! Ha, how very true.
LIGA -
Recently someone asked where Withclarity is and I have to say that if she was on the board she might have a real problem with
BD,
Excellent post!!
~Iddy~
BD ...
I too was/am so grateful for the response you provided. I had to sit at a meeting with my xAP today (18 days LC/NC)- someone who was leaving his W not quite three weeks ago to get an apartment to be with me - and it took all the strength and courage I had to follow the rules of LC. There were only two other people there and we were in a tiny office. I had to try and not breathe his smell in, appraise his appearance (is he doing okay?, does he look sad?) ... I had to direct his questions to me to the group so that I could function. It was brutal. There will be many situations coming soon where it will likely be just the two of us - I am having nightmares. I love(d) this man - I thought we would be in one an others' lives for the rest of our lives ... and I had to end that when he decided to not leave W (which I believe was actually the right decision). But it meant the A ended then and there. It is not okay to post about the flirting 'you' are doing and how 'you're' wondering about having just one more time - this isn't like messing up, relapse or whatever. It is dangerous thinking for yourself. You will be surprised I bet, by how much more quickly your healing will start to happen when you no longer have to ENDURE your xAP(?).
Just my two cents ...
Jodi
Ya know what, you are so right, (the both of you). My way of thinking is dangerous and I can’t get caught up in his crap, his looks or his teasing. I need to do a better job of ignoring it ALL, not just some of it but all of it. I guess I never really thought that the A could still go on even being long distance from each other, mostly because it wouldn’t be convenient anymore, ya know? But you’re so right. Ugh, this is a drug, a bad-bad drug and just want it out of my veins for good, NOT just a day, NOT just a week or so, but FOR EVER!!
LIGA -
Now that post I like.
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