Feeling Down

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2009
Feeling Down
3
Thu, 10-22-2009 - 5:14pm

Been NC for 2 weeks. I have never been the one 2 break NC, but I've always rushed back. The past week has been easy as my xAP is on a tropical vacation with the spouse. Didn't ask when the exact return date is, but as my xAP is my neighbor, I'll know. And if the past is prologue, I'll be contacted. (Feels very much like I want to be)

But I miss the friendship and closeness that just is never going to happen at home. It just won't. But my xAP would be a much worse choice.

Are we so bound with the AP by the sharing of a horrible secret? We are sharing the worst secret of our respective lives - does that transfer over to a comfort level to share all else? Or is it just the fact that when we share all our thoughts, fears, troubles - it's easy to listen because when we part it's no longer impacting our world.

But I find myself depressed that I can no longer share things with her. Things my spouse has zero interest in. And responds with "tough luck, you should have married someone else" But when I said I was leaving on Sunday (and flushed my wedding ring down the toilet -OMG I suck) - I was asked to stay together as a family as a marriage of convenience. My spouse's father died as a child and is left with huge abandonment issues. I need to take better care of my DS.

I could have huge problems and personal issues, but if I hold myself together for the short time we get to spend together - it has no impact on my xAP's life. Nor their's on mine.

Anyhow, I miss things (not sex - I have great sex at home) that I just will never have with my spouse.

It's often tough convincing myself that I can't have both. That's one of my biggest issues - you cant have both. I know that is true, although the good folks over at MAS will disagree.

"You Cant Lose What You Never Had" ---

Muddy Waters
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Thu, 10-22-2009 - 6:52pm

Your post made me think of something my sister use to say when we were in college. She would tell me that she is going to have at least three boyfriends at one time. One that is in a rock band and has a motorcycle and is artistic as well as cool.

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2009
Thu, 10-22-2009 - 9:23pm

I will not even attempt to say anything as deep and well thought out as E1.


But i understand what you are saying. I don't agree with the argument that EVERYTHING in an A is a fantasy and a lie. There are some facts that cannot be discarded, such as sharing common interests with our xAP or enjoying being with them.

Sunshine

.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2007
Fri, 10-23-2009 - 7:53am
Good for you that you have kept N/C for 2 weeks, even if she is on vacation. The trick will be for you to keep N/C upon her return or L/C if you have to be around her for some reason. I know the feeling of feeling so good that you made it for so long w/o talking to them but inside wishing that they would call. No good thinking that way. Those are the type of thoughts you have to let go of. I do see my xAP around socially and it is always after that when he