Feeling down...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2004
Feeling down...
3
Mon, 11-22-2004 - 11:43am
Hi. I posted here a few weeks ago about a MM that I was with almost 2 years ago. When I met him he told me he was single. We really clicked and seemed to care deeply for each other. When I finally found out he was married I ended things and was very hurt. A few months after that he had contacted me, we talked for a few hours, and he told me he didnt know how to tell me he was married, that he didn't expect to develop the feelings he had developed,,and so on. He had also lied about other things in his life,,,things he had. Why, i have no clue.
Anyhow, last month he contacted me. We talked through IM. He said the he has never stopped thinking about me, that his marriage was awful and thought it would be ending soon. He told me that he missed me, still had feelings for me, how much we had clicked (i think that's what hurt the most about everything that had happened,,,it just seemed we did click and that doesnt happen for me with alot of men), started getting flirty with me.
For some reason I believed him. I guess alot of it had to do with the fact that he had called me months after the first time and told me how sorry he was for hurting me, I believed him.
We talked for a few weeks and he kept saying he wanted to see me, he and his wife weren't talking, and weren't going to be together much longer, that she was moving out. I finally met him. We had a really nice afternoon together, talked for hours and hours, ended up becoming sexual. I wish I had not done that. I seemed right after that he had become cold. Talked about how he didn't know what was going on in his marriage, that he didn't want to lead me on, that he "cared" for me (yeah, felt like the family pet). We went back and forth about things for a few days. I just was not feeling right about any of it. He already had led me on, to believe there was something there.
Last week he contacted me through IM. He said hello. I said hello back and told him I was busy with work. He said ok. I think he was waiting for me to come back and talk with him. I signed off. Since then we have not spoken. I have not contacted him and he has not contacted me.
I know it's healthier this way. I do not want to be involved with a guy who is married and playing these kind of games. Why am i feeling so bad about all of this? I feel such a sense of rejection. I'm beginning to wonder if he cares anything about the people he hurts. I know I am the one who ended (or didn't begin), the last conversation, so why am I feeling rejected? I keep trying to figure out why someone would come back into my life, after so long, just to play the same game all over again. I'd like to think that he cared about me but I'm truely beginning to wonder and I guess I'm letting that hurt me and affect my emotions. One day I will have a "screw it" attitude and the next I feel bad. Is this normal?
Thanks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Mon, 11-22-2004 - 2:31pm
You are experiencing normal feelings. We all have ups and downs. You did the right thing not answering him this last time.
I still have days when I'm down, like today. I broke up with my MM 5 months ago and I still miss him a lot. I think it hurts knowing we have been used and lied to. And yet, there are moments that we look back on what we shared and feel it was very real. I know that if my XMM had not been married (and I knew he was and so was I when it started), we would be together today. We also clicked and I gave my heart away. Now, I often feel pretty empty inside.
But, tomorrow is another day and we will both feel better. Til then, this is a great site for support and encouragement. Don't lose sight of the bigger picture which is that there is someone wonderful for us out there who will love us unconditionally.
Hugs,
maria
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
Mon, 11-22-2004 - 2:38pm

>>>>>I just was not feeling right about any of it. He already had led me on, to believe there was something there. <<<<

Dear Kindheart98,

What you wrote above is EXACTLY what so many of us fail to do: Follow our instincts! I wonder just how many of these affairs would never get out of the gate if only we would do that. If something feels weird or uncomfortable, you can bet your bottom $ that you already KNOW you shouldn't go there. This man is trouble with a capital "T". He's a user, a lyer, AND a cheater. Why would you believe anything that comes out of his mouth?

Cut your losses sweetie, change your IM handle and email address and totally block this jerk out of your life. Having a few moments of unhealthy attention is hardly worth losing your self-esteem, integrity, and heart for, IS IT?

True

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2004
Tue, 11-23-2004 - 7:56am
Thankyou btrue and marie,,,you are both so right. He is a liar, cheat and manipulator. I may not have ever realized it unless he came back into my life. I thought his call out of the blue 2 years ago, apologizing for all he had done, was sincere. It could not have been very sincere if he had it in himself to do the same thing all over again, this time claiming he wasn't going to be married for long, complaining about his wife, so on. He was just feeling down about his own life and needed to know that someone still cared about him. How selfish. I could never do that to another person, especially someone that I had previously hurt, if I truely cared about them. My xh and I are best friends, get along wonderful, but I would never start coming on to him, telling him I still had feelings for him,or sleep with him, because I would never ever want to play with his heart like that. I care about him alot and I care about his feelings. It's just not right.
I truely wonder if this man is capable of caring about anyone. He had only been married for a year when he and I met. He and his wife were having problems and she left for her home country, was gone a few months when we met. I guess when things in his life are not going well he has to reach out to someone else to make himself feel better. Doesn't matter what it does to the other person. I have a sneaky feeling that he's probably done this to other women to, has probably got a few others on the hook at the moment. I don't think men like him change. How sad.
I guess what's been bothering me is that he hasn't had the guts to apologize for doing it all over again, since he "cares" so much for me. lol. But, his apology would most likely not be sincere, just a pile of words that he's learned to master.
Thanks for the support, it really helps alot.
Hugs.