feeling down today
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feeling down today
| Fri, 10-08-2004 - 10:12am |
Hi to everyone, I'm just leaving for work and have a hard time accessing this website at work. But I just wanted to vent before i left since i don't want to do what i did two days ago, called xMM after 3 weeks of no contact and saw him for a short period and we kissed, i just can't hold myself back. Why am i so vulnerable when i'm with him and he just doesn't show he cares. i told him about me leaving in a few months and he just said that it was so sad and it will be a depressing year from him and didn't try to see me again. not that i want to but i want him to want me, i know this sounds ridiculous and i'm just so tired and depressed about this whole thing. I just don't want to contact him again and i want him to know that it didn't end because i left but because i wanted to, so i want to start today and not contact him. His birthday is coming up soon and i'm just going to ignore it. I just hope i'll have the strenght to do it!
I was reading a lot the posts recently and one thing that makesme more depressed is that we all say it's just aboutsex for them and i think it is too but i think for my own sanity i like to think it was more than sex for him, otherwise i don't want to feel so used. But then again maybe i used him too, since eversince my A my sex life with H has been so much better, i was not very experienced before and i learned a lot from him. So maybe i used him too but i hate not being able to stop to think about him all the time and i just want to have the strenght to not contact him again.
Please help me, i'm going crazy and want to show him that i'm strong, no show myself that i'm strong and have the will power to do it.

You want to show XMM that your strong, you do that by doing TOTAL NO CONTACT, you want to look weak and pathetic you do that by contacting him and giving him an EGO BOOST at your expense.
If you need to talk to someone call your HUSBAND, i you can't call hubby post here like nuts take a walk and leave you cell phone home, the urge will pass if you don't cave.
YOU ARE STRONG
Free
No contact is the only way you will appear strong and eventually become strong for yourself. You regain the control and the power.
Dont feel like you have to explain or justify anything for his sake but for yours. I kept going back and breaking the NC just to explain "one more thing or one more feeling or ask just one more question"...the answers I wanted were never entirely there and I always felt worse after I reached out to him.
Moving away will probably do you some good. A few people here told me to look deep and find out "why I got into the A in the first place" so I have been trying to take that energy and focus my thoughts on that and ME.
Yes, I know its hard...but when you are struggling go back and read the post from yesterday that had the article about A's and the hell of them and the reality of what they do. Very eye opening and quickly helps to put some things in perspective.
When I first started posting here in April...everyone always said to me the only way was through NC...I didnt always believe it...or chose to ignore that advice thinking that our situation "was different"...all of our stories may be different but at the end of the day our crime is all the same. BE STRONG FOR YOU AND YOUR PEACE OF MIND!
Wishing you well!!!
xo!
Dipss