Feeling Fabulous Today!
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| Thu, 09-02-2004 - 12:19pm |
Last night I broke NC ... again. But a funny thing happened. I called him at the time when he historically had called me every day. (We hadn't had voice communication for over a week). I heard his voice, and nothing stirred inside. We talked for a while, and I got bored. I was bored with the conversation content. I was bored with his whining about his continued "confusion." And, for the first time ever, I withheld any emotional sharing. Talked about my work, my dinner plans, my weekend plans with the kids. There were pregnant pauses as he waited for me to get personal, and I let those pauses hang. I walked away from the call with no feelings of need, desire or hope. No feelings that I needed to contact him again. I awoke this morning, and I really don't feel like I want to hear from him right now.
Another surprise occurred last night, too. After the transaction with XMM, I went home and made dinner for the kids. My H came home later, and our interactions were relatively normal and not strained. At first I thought that maybe he was in a different mood, but then I realized, it was probably due to my sense of release from XMM. It gave me a first glimpse of the possibilities of reconnecting. (OK, this morning wasn't the best, but last night was a start!)
I know there will continue to be those moments when I go psychotic and feel a need to break NC. But today feels so good, and I wanted to share it with you and see it in writing to remind me. My life is good and positive, and I really don't need the weight of the XMM and his "confusion." (Neither do you!)

Congratulations!!!
: )