feeling like a fool
Find a Conversation
feeling like a fool
| Wed, 10-06-2004 - 5:35pm |
well i broke down today and i called him. he picked up the phone and he didnt say anything. he knew it was me.
i dont know why i do this to myself. i dont know why i cant just stop and move on.
i want to be happy again.
i sent him a letter to his po box address which had the dates which we had been together.
i didnt sign the letter or anything. i did it because i wanted him to see the times we had been together. i wanted him to remember it was more than once.
the next two days is going to be hell for me b/c i ususally wait to see if he checks for me to talk.
what hurts the most is knowing that its over.
i dont want it to be over.

Where you are right now is a very tough place. I would like to strongly encourage you to find a good therapist who can help you sort these painful issues out and help you find a way to making a real life for yourself, real friendships and not clinging to something destructive and self-hating like an affair.
Let me tell you, my MM did crazy manipulative emotional stuff like you are describing. The calls, following me around, writing me long emotional letters. It made me hate him for a while. I forgive him now. I know how hard it was for me to end it; I know it was hard for him too.
I'm not being mean to you. Until I ended it, I clung desperately to the affair for 3 years. I would have been devastated if he had ended it. Something in me rose above it and I've been free for 18 mos. now. You can do this. One of my many saving graces was a good therapist. Give it a try!