Feeling guilty....wait what!?

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Feeling guilty....wait what!?
9
Sat, 08-11-2012 - 1:39pm
For some reason I'm feeling guilty today that I may have kept my exAP from finding an available partner. I'm fairly new so most may not know my story. I'm M and he is S. 3 year physical A, we fell in love, were soul mates, same story as most. we agreed to end our A the end of July. It was the right thing to do. He needs someone who Can devote entirely to him. I sent him a final text (I always need final closure) and we have now not spoken or texted since last Thursday. Why am I feeling guilty. I didn't enter this alone. He could have said no ( yeah right I know). I think I feel I "broke" him. But looking at his story he is 44, never married, always blamed it on finding the wrong type of girl. But I was different he said. We we meant to be together. Again blah blah blah. He was "broken" before I met him. I think I wanted to fix him, not sure. Ugh so many emotions today. Not to mention my day started out with a funeral of a long time friend and today ends with a wedding of a couple who were HS sweethearts and reconnected. I have been focusing on my M. I do have a loving H who thinks the world of me. There are just no sparks. Prob the main reason I pursued my A. I like to think the grass is greener where you water it and I was watering the wrong grass. So I'm back in my own garden where I should have never left. I know I'm all over the place with this post, sorry. Whe I read the posts from all of you who were the OW I again feel like, oh goodness what did I do to him? He was the OM. Not a lot of that on this board. Again, sorry for rambling but it was better to ramble here than text him with my feelings of guilt. NC ='no new hurts!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2011
Sat, 08-11-2012 - 2:46pm
Hi Love! Glad you're doing well and moving forward! I struggled with this, a bit. In the end, though, I was not in control of xap and he was in the A because he wanted to be. Just like he didn't keep me in it. I'm sure xap doesn't feel badly about the effect the A had on my M, I don't feel guilty for him not finding Ms Right in these past 5 years. Not my problem. We made our own choices.

I'd save the guilt for your H, family issues-not xap.

Gypsy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Sat, 08-11-2012 - 4:17pm

Ahhh..never apologize for being all over the place with all your thoughts and feelings.  This is the place to come and work through them.  

I truly hope that you have now blocked and walked...that you have closed down all avenues of communication.  This works two-fold, but ultimately to protect you...so he can't reach you during a weak moment and you can't reach him during a weak moment...and there will be many.  You'll have to find other ways to get through them.  Coming here is good :smileyhappy:

Gypsie said it best...you are not response for his choices.  I CAN understand the guilt some may have if they think back and see that they strung someone along with false words of one day being together...but ultimately again, we make our own choices to believe those words and go for the ride.  And even if you didn't speak that kind of language, he made the choice to involve himself in a go-no-where relationship. Please try not to spend any more time feeling guilty.  He's a big boy...he'll work through it and forge future relationships.

I'm sorry for the loss of your long-time friend.  Another loss to deal with...not easy.  Keep posting in for support, Love. You're working through your stuff, and that's good.

((hugs))

Clarity

 


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Sun, 08-12-2012 - 12:11pm

I was quite an expert at making something out of anything to believe that we were meant to be.  If I came across his last name out of the blue..."ooooo, we were soooo meant to be"...If I ran into him in traffic..."ooooo, we were soooo meant to be." BIG UGH

I'm glad to hear your days have been a little easier, that you are working hard to focus on reality instead of allowing your brain to become the runaway brain and that you are checking out all resources to help you put this behind you once and for all.

((hugs))

Clarity

 


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2012
Sun, 08-12-2012 - 12:39pm

Just wanted to chime in that i have been (and still am, unfortunately) very guilty of doing this too!  So many "coincidences" that happen always swim through my brain as being evidence that we are destined to be together.  Such unhealthy thinking, I know, but so hard to break :-(

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Sun, 08-12-2012 - 12:44pm

I think many of us are guilty of this.  The only problem, of course, is that it would not be so hard...and it wouldn't have to be manipulated and forced.  If we were meant to be, then we would BE.  But we are not meant to be and therefore are not.

It's all just fantasy in our minds.  The reality is is that we are where we are meant to be.

((hugs))

Clarity


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2012
Sun, 08-12-2012 - 1:04pm

Clarity, I think that is the part my head (and heart) struggle with.  I guess I feel like sometimes people take awhile to end up where they are meant to be.  That sometimes people don't always "get it right" the first time, that sometimes life experiences and learning and growing change your original "meant to be" to another, if that makes sense.  I think I am viewing "meant to be" as a destination while you are viewing it as more of a present state, which I think is a good way to view it.  Regardless of where I end up and which road my life takes, I like to think that I will continue to make choices that move me in the right direction of happiness and fulfillment.  I guess it's a process, and I need to stop thinking of it as an end all, be all kind of thing.  I think it's ok to accept that RIGHT NOW, I am meant to be working on my M and seeing if I can make things work and that whatever happens as a result will also be meant to be, whether that's staying in my M, moving on with xAP, or another option not yet known to me. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Sun, 08-12-2012 - 2:10pm

I hear what you are saying.  Our ideas of where we can be change over time...it''s what hopes and dreams are all about.

We just have to make sure that we take care of our present to the best of our ability.  We can eventually leave our present, but I think it's always best to leave our present with no loose strings...all tidied up I suppose.