Feeling like I made the worst decision

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Feeling like I made the worst decision
7
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 12:02am
Hello to everyone. For all of you who have been reading my posts over the last few weeks you know how much difficulty I was having with making a decision whether to continue with my 2 yr A with MM or to end it. Realizing how unsuccessful I have been the last two times I gave him ultimadums I didn't want a repeat of that. Well last night during a normal phone conversation I had asked him exactly what his plan was as he told me that when his daughter graduated he would be able to leave, and he told me that he still didn't have a plan. Well, that was it I knew right then and there that he had no intension of leaving and I told him that I had enough of him stringing me along, and that I couldn't accept things as they were anymore. And while I know it's actually better that he didn't plead with me not to do this, his silence literally torn my heart to pieces. I ended our conversation with asking him not to call me anymore, and he has respected my wishes thus far, but he did send me an email telling me how wrong I was about him stringing me along and that I can't truly believe that he doesn't love me. He told me that he loves me enough not to try to talk me into not leaving him, even though it's going to be the hardest thing he has ever had to do. He claims that he can't bear to see the pain that all of this is causing me, but he just can't leave right now

claiming financial committments. Sound like a bunch of bullcrap doesn't it? Then why am I still sitting here wishing that he would call? And why do I feel like I made the worst decision of my life by just not waiting it out until June like I said that I would?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2004
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 12:18am
You TOTALLLYYYY did the right thing. He is stringing you along. He may love you but he is having his cake and eating it too. I know beacuse I did the same thing. It's sick!!! He probablly really does love you but he doesn't have the courage to leave. He will always come up with an excuse. I will tell you one thing though...if you stick to your NC...and I mean NC he could do what he has to do to see you. Sticking to it is really what you have to do...NC...no emails nothing....

good luck...come on the board when you are down and out...
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2003
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 7:16am
dek8109,

If I may give my 2cents here. I think the reason you feel like you made the wrong decision is because although you know it was the right thing to do (and you did make the right decision!!), I think you were waiting to hear what you WANTED to hear, and not the silence. What I mean by this is; the day I broke it off with my MM I told him pretty much what you told yours and deep in my heart I was waiting to hear all the words I was/have always been waiting for..."Okay, you are right, I am going to leave, etc, etc..." And not just say it but really do it. It hurts when we want SO badly to hear those words we've been longing to hear be instead reality comes walking through the door and we have to face the facts and either decide whether we want to hold out and wait and be secondary, OR we follow up on our decision and end it. A part of me keeps waiting for the that faithful email or phone call telling me..."I did it, I served W papers...we can start our life together now..." I know it's not that simple but I think you understand what I am referring to.

BUT, I know logic and reality is what is in front of me and the hardest thing I have ever done is to say good-bye to the one man that I ever truly experienced pure, genuine love with...something I have been looking for my whole life..

MidnightBlue

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 10:05am
Hey Dek, love and heartfelt hugs to you this morning. You did do the right thing, and you probably know that in your heart. Midnight is dead on, you're hurt because you didn't hear what you needed to hear to feel okay about the way it ended. Just to share my experience: I ended it with my OMM because I was the one who decided not to leave my marriage. For whatever its worth to make you feel a bit better, I was never "stringing him along," although he did acuse me of that. I truly wanted to end my marriage and start over with him, and I kept thinking that one of these days I would wake up ready to do just that. But time kept passing and I kept not being able to end my marriage for one reason or another. When I realized I couldn't end my marriage and I would not be able to make good on my promises to OMM, I knew I had to let him go. I was wasting his time. This may be exactly what your OMM went through. I know that probably doesn't make it much easier, but my experience was that I did truly love OMM and in another life maybe it would have worked out (little consolation, I know). But it's not always that easy. I had deep emotional ties to my H and just couldn't imagine my life without him. So when push came to shove, I decided to rebuild my marriage. But as you must realize just because I'm posting on this board, it really hurts to be without OMM. The fact that it was my idea to end the A doesn't mean it doesn't hurt alot. I was just trying to do the right thing.

I'm sorry that you're having such a tough day, but I do think you did the right thing. If you hadn't done it last night, you would have had to do it eventually. You would just have been prolonging the inevitable. Hang on here with us. We're all in different situations, but all feeling that very painful void that ending an A brings. Love and hugs to you! Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 10:26am

First of all, you DID NOT make the "wrong" decision. Your MM did. Or at least he refused to be completely honest with you and that's equivalent to making the wrong decision.


I know from personal experience of making excuses (they aren't "reasons, they're excuses) to my EMA partners about needing to stay until the kids were out of school, or money was right or, or, or........all BS. He doesn't want anything more than what he's getting: relief from having to work on his life and marriage provided by another woman he can hood-wink into giving him immediate gratification without his full commitment.


I may sound harsh, however, I knew when I made the decision to leave my affair lifestyle AND my marriage, there was NO HESITATION and further hand-wringing about the "right thing".

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 9:17pm
Hearing your story brought me more comfort than I can express, and I'm not even sure why. I mean we all know that men and women think and respond to things completely different. And while your version of how things went down with you and your xMM does sound exactly like what is happening here with us but just the roles reversed, I still can't help but feel that somewhere along the line he realized that things were never going to be as we had talked about so many times, but he choose not to tell me because he didn't want to lose me. It took for me to push for an answer before he finally told me. Didn't he realize that eventually it was going to have to be told? Couldn't he see that prolonging this was only going to make things harder for both of us? How can someone who has brought so much love and joy into your life cause you so much pain. I want to believe that he really and truly loves me, but not unless he's ready to be with me, as what's the point otherwise?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Sat, 05-01-2004 - 4:15pm
UPDATE: Well, since my last post we have spoken and he sent me an email now telling me that maybe we should take a break to give him the motivation to make his move. He claims that he can't phatom losing me and maybe by not seeing me (in a sexual way, his words not mine)that this will force him to do what is necessary to have me back in his life. He said that it's going to be up to me whether or not we see each other and still talk to each other simply as friends, but warned me that he wouldn't be able to reject any type of sexual advances I might throw his way. He also made a comment about how he knows that we're both trying to do what we can to stay together. It was that comment that made me reply back. I told him that we've BEEN doing what we could to hold things together but obviously that's not working as we keep winding up back in this same situation. I told him that I don't have the control here, as only he can do what is necessary to make things change. I told him that it wasn't out of anger that I ask that we break all contact but more out of giving me time to heal as he totally destroyed my heart. I also told him that what bothers me the most is that I know that letting him go is the right thing to do, but I can't help feeling that by doing so that I'll be rewarded by having him all to myself, but then what do I do when that doesn't happen?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Sun, 05-02-2004 - 1:31pm
Hang in there. You did the RIGHT thing!!
Love