Feeling like I made the worst decision
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Feeling like I made the worst decision
| Fri, 04-30-2004 - 12:02am |
Hello to everyone. For all of you who have been reading my posts over the last few weeks you know how much difficulty I was having with making a decision whether to continue with my 2 yr A with MM or to end it. Realizing how unsuccessful I have been the last two times I gave him ultimadums I didn't want a repeat of that. Well last night during a normal phone conversation I had asked him exactly what his plan was as he told me that when his daughter graduated he would be able to leave, and he told me that he still didn't have a plan. Well, that was it I knew right then and there that he had no intension of leaving and I told him that I had enough of him stringing me along, and that I couldn't accept things as they were anymore. And while I know it's actually better that he didn't plead with me not to do this, his silence literally torn my heart to pieces. I ended our conversation with asking him not to call me anymore, and he has respected my wishes thus far, but he did send me an email telling me how wrong I was about him stringing me along and that I can't truly believe that he doesn't love me. He told me that he loves me enough not to try to talk me into not leaving him, even though it's going to be the hardest thing he has ever had to do. He claims that he can't bear to see the pain that all of this is causing me, but he just can't leave right now
claiming financial committments. Sound like a bunch of bullcrap doesn't it? Then why am I still sitting here wishing that he would call? And why do I feel like I made the worst decision of my life by just not waiting it out until June like I said that I would?
claiming financial committments. Sound like a bunch of bullcrap doesn't it? Then why am I still sitting here wishing that he would call? And why do I feel like I made the worst decision of my life by just not waiting it out until June like I said that I would?

good luck...come on the board when you are down and out...
If I may give my 2cents here. I think the reason you feel like you made the wrong decision is because although you know it was the right thing to do (and you did make the right decision!!), I think you were waiting to hear what you WANTED to hear, and not the silence. What I mean by this is; the day I broke it off with my MM I told him pretty much what you told yours and deep in my heart I was waiting to hear all the words I was/have always been waiting for..."Okay, you are right, I am going to leave, etc, etc..." And not just say it but really do it. It hurts when we want SO badly to hear those words we've been longing to hear be instead reality comes walking through the door and we have to face the facts and either decide whether we want to hold out and wait and be secondary, OR we follow up on our decision and end it. A part of me keeps waiting for the that faithful email or phone call telling me..."I did it, I served W papers...we can start our life together now..." I know it's not that simple but I think you understand what I am referring to.
BUT, I know logic and reality is what is in front of me and the hardest thing I have ever done is to say good-bye to the one man that I ever truly experienced pure, genuine love with...something I have been looking for my whole life..
MidnightBlue
I'm sorry that you're having such a tough day, but I do think you did the right thing. If you hadn't done it last night, you would have had to do it eventually. You would just have been prolonging the inevitable. Hang on here with us. We're all in different situations, but all feeling that very painful void that ending an A brings. Love and hugs to you! Mo.
First of all, you DID NOT make the "wrong" decision. Your MM did. Or at least he refused to be completely honest with you and that's equivalent to making the wrong decision.
I know from personal experience of making excuses (they aren't "reasons, they're excuses) to my EMA partners about needing to stay until the kids were out of school, or money was right or, or, or........all BS. He doesn't want anything more than what he's getting: relief from having to work on his life and marriage provided by another woman he can hood-wink into giving him immediate gratification without his full commitment.
I may sound harsh, however, I knew when I made the decision to leave my affair lifestyle AND my marriage, there was NO HESITATION and further hand-wringing about the "right thing".