feeling a little off today

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2010
feeling a little off today
5
Sun, 08-15-2010 - 10:36am

Hello my friends,

It's been four months of NC. Today the pain is creeping in to my heart and it hurts.

I had a dream about xAP last night. I hate it when that happens, thankfully, it rarely happens. But it has brought up some memories, all good of course, and it's making me wonder about him.

For the newbies... my xAP was single. After four years of a very passionate A, he met someone else and began dating her. He did not tell me, I found out (damn Facebook). I ended it, and that that was it. I never broke NC, and neither did he. 15 weeks later, I found out (damn Facebook again) he married his new GF.

I still don't miss what WAS, only what COULD have been. And by that, I mean the fantasy that I had created. It really would not have worked out the way I always hoped and prayed for.

Things at home are good right now. Never had a Dday. But my heart is hurting today, tears are flowing, missing my escape, my fantasy, missing the way he held me, the way he kissed me, told me he loved me, told me he'd wait for me because someday we'd be together for real.

I was very wrapped up in my addiction, in my fantasy. I have come so far, and most days I don't look back.

But today... I don't know. guess that dream was a trigger of some sort.

Thanks as always for being there for me, for letting me vent and lean on you all for just a little while.
Love, Angel

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2010
Sun, 08-15-2010 - 10:56am

Oh, Angel, our stories are indeed similar, and here we are posting similar messages at the same time!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2009
Sun, 08-15-2010 - 11:26am
I had the same situation as you. My xap is S. I never had a dday. I too saw pictures of him on FB with women, however, he is still S. You said it yourself angel, it was a fantasy. The dream you had of him signals the fact that you still fantasize about him. Check out the "Dreams" post to see what happens to our dreams when our hearts are finally on board with our heads. Continue to do the hard work that it takes to rid him from your thoughts. It really helped for me to spend as much time with my DH as possible. In the beginning just "actingasif" I was madly in love/attracted to him. Eventually my thoughts followed my actions. It works! It really does.
Hang in there girlie, AAI
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Sun, 08-15-2010 - 3:22pm

You’ve been doing so well Angel, you are still healing and there will be some rough days still.


Triggers will do that and dreams sometimes seem so real, except when cartoon characters show up in them but that is for a whole other post and I’m sure that is just me and my creative imagination.

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Sun, 08-15-2010 - 9:56pm

Sorry for your rough day Angel. You are not alone in your feelings. I'm 2 and 1/2 months of NC and I also have those days where I truly miss the fantasy world I created with xMM. In the beginning, I would get angry with myself for mourning xMM, but now I just realize its part of the healing process and allow myself to dwell on it, get through the emotions and soon it does pass. It seems each time I fall into this 'dream state' it lasts less. So instead of pushing it out of my mind, I allow myself to remember the feelings and soon I'm over them. I must be part of the grieving process.

Hang in there. Tomorrow will be a new day!

MovingON

MovingON

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Mon, 08-16-2010 - 4:49pm

Hello Angel-


I wanted to post solely to tell you that you are not alone and that this is normal. I am almost 7 months out of my A and I still have those moments when I think I will always feel this hurt... and then just as quickly, it passes and I remember that it's all part of the process. Keep doing what you are doing. Keep investing in your marriage. Try to enforce some more safeguards so you don't have to face triggers about xap- like NOT looking at Facebook. And if that means you have to cancel your account for now, so be it. Better that than stall your healing.


I know exactly how you feel. You are cruising along, feeling good, feeling like you've healed, then something happens and you hit a wall or have a moment. I had a series of moments the past few weeks and it was hard to dig myself out... but I did and you will too. Take heart, this too shall pass and happier days are ahead.


Hugs,


Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/